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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 1:35:54
Another unbearably lonely Friday night. I ate at a restaurant, it didn't feel good at all being there alone. I went to a bookstore that has live music, but mostly the customers were just ignoring it, nobody was chatting. What's with people in bookstores? Aren't they there because they're lonely? It's friday night fer crissakes. How come it's such a non-social atmosphere? Of course I'm too shy to break the mold and chat with anyone.
I scoured the classifieds of the alternative weekly for social groups and there's absolutely nothing that looks appealing. A bunch of 12 step groups, but I've been there and done that and don't want to do that again right now. There's one for a movie-watching club, but somehow I think it would turn out to be terribly under-attended.
There's a church in my area that has a lot of social activities. I've gone to it once, in a different location, but it was just too much new- agey enthusiasm for me. But I was more depressed then, and that one had a different leader. It might be better. I looked at the website listing their beliefs. I think I can tolerate it. I have pretty low tolerance for religious beliefs. I really don't want a spiritual or religious experience now. I just desperately need some new social groups.
It's the only thing I can find that looks halfway promising.
I'm scared to go anyway-- it's been a couple years since I went to any new group. And this isn't a support group, so I just can't go in there and dump my problems, I have to try to make a normal 'good' social impression. Yikes.
Posted by Sebastian on July 26, 2003, at 1:39:28
In reply to Church for social opportunity., posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 1:35:54
Hey I'm having the same problem?
Posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 1:51:53
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity., posted by Sebastian on July 26, 2003, at 1:39:28
the lack of social life problem? How bout your new job-- think there will be social opportunity there?
Posted by Sebastian on July 26, 2003, at 2:02:24
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity. » Sebastian, posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 1:51:53
There is but I don't respond well.? They all try very hard to be freinds, take me out have drinks after work. But I don't talk. I have this fear of knowing people (opening up). I wounder is it my meds or am I just too shy? I youst to be happy had lots of friends. But ever since the accident and my freind died I don't do it any more. I never want to go out, just want to stay home and watch TV all the time?
Posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 2:26:53
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity., posted by Sebastian on July 26, 2003, at 2:02:24
well if you're dealing with losing a friend, no wonder you're not in the mood for light socializing. I hope you have some support, a therapist or a group or something, until you feel like your social self again.
I feel like I'm in an in-between state, not quite troubled enough for support groups anymore, not quite together enough for a real social life, and don't know what to do. how do I get from here to there? I've never ever felt I had an adequate social life.
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 5:21:38
In reply to Church for social opportunity., posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 1:35:54
Well, I hate to sound like I'm taking advantage of God or anything. Because I've always been a person on a spiritual quest. But I stepped up that quest when I had my son, at least in part because of the social aspects of church.
So if this denomination does share your beliefs (more or less, and that's all we can hope for I think), and if it's a place where you think people will share your values, I think it's a wonderful place to go. People at a church are usually eager to be inclusive. There are often group activities. And a few of my friends met their mates at church activities.
At any rate, it can't hurt. You might meet a group of people who you have something in common with. And if you don't, there's no requirement that you continue on there. Give it a few weeks, though. Some churches are sort of confusing at first, others have the welcome wagon very well organized.
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2003, at 5:22:46
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity., posted by Sebastian on July 26, 2003, at 2:02:24
I'm sorry for your loss, Sebastian. It's never easy to lose a friend, especially suddenly like that.
Posted by tina on July 26, 2003, at 13:35:08
In reply to Church for social opportunity., posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 1:35:54
goodluck tabi. I can't really take the churchy social setting either. I feel pressured and like I'm being recruited. It's just the churches in my area. I'm sure they aren't all like that.
You're brave to even look in the paper. At least you're taking positive steps. Good for you.
Let me know what you find. It might give me ideas too.
all the best
tina
Posted by paxvox on July 29, 2003, at 18:25:45
In reply to Church for social opportunity., posted by Tabitha on July 26, 2003, at 1:35:54
Well................ As a "church type" for the past 12 years, I can tell you the good and bad about the "socialization" aspect. Depending upon the denomination, size and demograhics of a particular church, I can almost ASSURE you that the ARE trying to recruit you because that is their MISSION. One should not take that as a negative thing. Although there ARE some churches/denominations that have a bottom line of $$$$$, the vast majority are concerned about the salvation of souls than "loosing the cash from your wallet". As for your "having a pretty low tolerance for religious beliefs", well, not to be judgmental, but THAT'S what churches do. They may have open meetings for the public, and many let organizations unaffiliated with any religion use their facilities, but they are in the "business" of promoting their beliefs in hope others will like what they see and join. I'm not sure how to advise you on this subject, but going to a church and not wanting to be preached to is like going to a bar and not wanting to be offered a drink. I certainly don't mean this as a put down of you or your beliefs, but unless you ARE open to having a church tell you about its beliefs, their programs are probably not what you are looking for. However, unless you know for sure that you would never consider joining a church after learning about what they believe, what harm would it cause you to give it a go? It's not like they are going to drag you away and brain-wash you (well, maybe SOME churches). Anyway, I hope that you DO find a place where you feel welcomed without being uncomfortable about what might be asked of you. Good luck!
PAX
Posted by Tabitha on July 30, 2003, at 1:31:23
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity., posted by paxvox on July 29, 2003, at 18:25:45
Thanks for the warning. This is kind of a new agey self-improvement type of church, so I don't think there will be much salvation of souls preaching. I've actually been to one of their services a couple years ago. I think their courses deal with positive prayer and course in miracles type stuff. Seems like the type of stuff that, even if I can't believe in it 100%, might feel good to practice.
The worst that can happen is, I just won't get anything out of it. Then again, maybe I'm just an innocent lamb and I"ll wander into a recruitment trap.
Posted by paxvox on July 30, 2003, at 17:25:23
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity. » paxvox, posted by Tabitha on July 30, 2003, at 1:31:23
I don't know the particular church you are speaking of, so I can only speculate. However, most main-line (Christian) denominations aren't in the practice of trying to "trap" lambs, but in helping the "lost ones" find Jesus. Now, if you want a personal story, I can give you one, but it is probably more of a topic for the "faith" board. I'll try to be as short as possible. I started back to church in 1992 after not having gone regularly since high school (say 1977, or 1978). What I found were a bunch of really nice and friendly people, seemingly happy to see me there. Well, of course my first reaction was "sure, they are just being nice to me because I am visiting,etc..." However, week after week they responded very favorably to me, which after awhile convinced me that they were indeed genuine. 11 years later, I am now an Elder in that church,and when I meet someone, I try to be as open and friendly as those people were to me. On a side bar, I am in the process of starting up a small support group for people with "mental health" issues. This is a new thing for my VERY old and main-line church, and is raising a few eyebrows. But my feeling is that it's an issue as important as anything else a church congregation has to deal with. We just have, for so long, not WANTED to have to admit it needed to be talked about. With the "stigma" of mental health issues FINALLY starting to subside, perhaps the time is right to push this forward. Good luck in your endevors, just remember that a church DOES have a mission in mind every time it opens its doors.
PAX
Posted by Tabitha on July 31, 2003, at 0:56:38
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity., posted by paxvox on July 30, 2003, at 17:25:23
Thank you Pax, it's inspiring to hear a story of someone finding their spiritual home. And now you're leaving your mark by introducing a new tradition for them. Best of luck with the group.
I thought you were trying to warn me away from churches-- now I realize you were just pointing out that there IS an agenda.
The odd thing is, when I started this thread, and started researching, I was just looking for some beliefs that I could tolerate, and internally re-interpret to become more palatable to myself. Then I kept reading and found myself having a resurgence of interest in my spiritual self. I got hopeful that I can actually find a group whose program can be more than just tolerable to me, but can really become part of my own path.
Posted by paxvox on July 31, 2003, at 18:13:22
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity. » paxvox, posted by Tabitha on July 31, 2003, at 0:56:38
That's great to hear,Tabitha! I generally do not talk much about my personal religious beliefs on these boards because it is not necessarily topically applicable (and of course, there IS a faith board). However, I decided to post back to you because you seemed concerned (rightfully so) that you might or might not be entering into an environment for ONE reason, only to be provided with a DIFFERENT response. That's why, even though I find my personal religious experience very rewarding, I did NOT want to suggest that everyone else necessarily WOULD. Objectively, there have been many studies (conducted in double-blind, scientific modalities) that have shown beyond reasonable doubt that prayer DOES have a positive effect on a sick person's recovery or survival. I'm not making this up, you can check it out. They have even found that people who do not even KNOW that they are being prayed for have also responded better than the control group that was not prayed for. I know I will get some grief for this post, and be told to take it elsewhere, but I firmly believe that THIS particular topic crosses over and between PSB and the faith board. Afterall, this board IS about socialization. OK, I've said my piece.
PAX
Posted by Tabitha on August 1, 2003, at 0:55:37
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity., posted by paxvox on July 31, 2003, at 18:13:22
Pax, I don't think you'll get flamed here for talking about prayer and health. I was trying to look up those studies recently, even before you posted. I had the impression that praying for your own health was proved to have effects, but that positive effects of praying for others was controversial-- I'd seen claims that the study was flawed. It's so hard to tell with internet research, sometimes all you're reading is hearsay upon hearsay.
Here's a thought... even if miracles can't be repeated in double-blind studies, that doesn't mean they never happen.
Posted by kar on August 1, 2003, at 7:08:46
In reply to Re: Church for social opportunity. » paxvox, posted by Tabitha on August 1, 2003, at 0:55:37
Couldn't resist, T.
>Here's a thought... even if miracles can't be repeated in double-blind studies, that doesn't mean they never happen.
Amen. It'really a blurred area, isn't it. Some are atheists and don't believe in that kind of heavenly intervention, some middle or the road "maybes" and some who seem to attribute everything that's positive in their life to God.
Re: meeting people, I had a go at it a few years ago. While i *did* meet plently very kind and friendly people, there would never be single or anyone that I would ever get to the level of seeing on a social basis. That's just me and that's Roman Catholic (fairly liberal but still. I wanna convert...)...I'm not really sure how the impression got around that church is a good place to meet "future significant others". I found there were a lot of married folk,younger couples with kids, and the single guys weren't ripe for the plucking. i'm not trying to sound harsh (matter of fact conceited is more like it, hey?), it's just that there weren't that many singles at all. In any of the churches that I went to. Then there's the issue of getting to know them of course. And unless hye participates in a group or commitee or club, making a connection (!) might be tough. Actually even tougher than at a bar because at least when you go out, people are on the prowl too...and it's easier to socialize. not for *ME* but it'st he word on the streets.
P.S.- whenver I lose something and mom sends a shout out to st. Anthony (patron o li=ost things, the poor guy), it works everytime. She thinks that rather than him being completely rersponsible for hiding, he sort of nudges you in a particular direction. I dont know...as Saints go he's preety good.
If you're really unsure about what house of worship/religion (I read that in your post, didn't i?) then you *really* need to make sure you're interested beFORE you think of finding someone to meet there. Cuz the guys you meet at bars (yea yeah, I know!) are there because they truly believe in the teachings of that church. You'd already have one big difference between you (but by no means necessarily a n issue of course). I just think that churches *are* really be a tough place to meet *friends* unless you're very active- running events or organizing something or other. Just my experience. I suppose you've tried internet dating? Thass how I met my hub, dude.
An aside: PAX I love the why you gently and eloquently express your believes and opinions on this board. i always have. You seem like a very kind soul.Peace out (I mean 'in')
Karen
Posted by Dinah on August 1, 2003, at 8:04:48
In reply to Religions and doll heads » Tabitha, posted by kar on August 1, 2003, at 7:08:46
There are all kinds of churches, with all levels of social interaction. In the Mormon church, where I grew up, there was a large effort to provide support and companionship to the youth, singles, women and men of the church. You could have a very full social life without extending beyond the church. And the people there were very nice.
In the Catholic church, where I also grew up, socialization had to be more intentional. You pretty much had to join the youth groups or CYO. Since there was no Sunday School, only Mass, opportunities for socialization were only fair. On the other hand, my Catholic religious friends did join the singles groups and found partners within them that suited their values for a mate perfectly.
The church I am in now would like to be more like the Mormon one. But it has been struggling for years (the congregation, not the denomination) with declining and aging membership and difficulty in maintaining social support systems for people of traditionally marrying age. But through Sunday School and church activities, a few of the widows and widowers have found life mates. And a few younger couples as well.
I found my husband at school, but if I weren't so lucky, I think church would have been my next choice. In fact, I probably would have searched within the Mormon church and remained Mormon.
We're currently seeking out "couple friends" from within the church, but are running into troubles based just on the fact that our congregation is struggling. Bue we're committed enough to it to not try to switch to the more active churches.
If you have religious beliefs, churches and synagogues are a great source of friends and potential mates, because you know going in that you share some things in common.
This is the end of the thread.
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