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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 1:56:21
When one brings up that they have suicidal thoughts then usually others bring up the questions of whether or not the meds are working properly.
What if they meds are working the best they can? What if this is it?!
So over a decade plus of therapy and almost a decade of meds and for what?
Sure I'm not sobbing hysterically nor actively planning suicide yet the thoughts are in my head almost daily again. The hope for a future slowly sinks away even as I'm doing all I can to ensure that future takes place.
I know death over financial matters is not what I will choose to opt out over. In the USA there is no debtors prison. I keep reminding myself of that as I consider how much I will need to borrow to get through this masters program.
It sounds so rational when I calmly talk about which courses I need and how I plan on going about the next several semesters but beneath the surface I am quite *certain* that I won't make it and that at some weak moment I will succumb to this disease that has so distorted my thinking.
I am beginning to feel as if all the modalities I've tried over the years were just introductions to the inner hell that exists within and that no amount of medicine or therapy will extract this wretched disease from me.
Sure I could take the path of strong chickie and what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Yeah, and I've got some waterfront property to show ya....
My pact with a friend seems to be on shaky ground leaving me feeling even more without an anchor.
I put in the phone calls tonight to the people within the support network as I have agreed to (to the pdoc, the therapist, the group therapy participants, etc.)but no return phone calls.
The only IM session I had tonight with a friend just hammered home how ill we both are and that the liklihood of both of us making it to another decade of life just slips away each day.
Sad. So deeply sad. Ill from the topics dealt with in therapy tonight. Just want to escape. Damn this rx and its effect on alcohol. I just want numb. I would kill for numb.
What's that crock that people drag out from time to time? You gotta feel it to heal it?! Argh. I swear I would rather be dead that have to go through the pain again of trying to reconstruct what occured in the hazy past. The supportive women in this group are kindly reminding me that I've already lived through the worst and that I can survive this. Yeah. They don't live in my body or head. They don't experience the clenching gut, the endless insomnia coupled with the oversleeping.
Pdoc on Monday. I'm going to see if I can't finally make the case for a short acting benzo for these difficult nights where I'm pacing, crying and making poor choices about the prospect of a future.
Well if that hasn't been a purging release then I don't know what is.
No response needed. Just venting out the crapola that surges through my system. The broken coping mechanisms are being challenged.
I just want to give up.
Sigh.
zenhussy a rather wacked out chick who didn't get the one class she needed so now what?!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by fallsfall on August 15, 2003, at 9:00:10
In reply to Meds, mood, motivation and misery, posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 1:56:21
Of course a response is needed. You are worthy of a response.
I understand your dispair. You've worked hard, you've tried all the drugs and yet you are back in the pit again. It isn't supposed to work that way. If you try hard enough you are supposed to get better. If you make the phone calls they are supposed to call back.
People do care about you, and they want you to take care of yourself. I know how two suicidal people can feed each other instead of help each other - even when they really care about each other.
You said that you had a difficult therapy session. Does your therapist know how badly you are feeling these days? (She would if she called you back!!!) Maybe she needs to do a more supportive type of therapy right now.
I was at the bottom of the pit 6 months ago, but two things have happened to make things better - and I didn't think that ANYTHING could happen.
First, I added 2 new meds that have had an incredibly positive affect on my suicidality - Strattera and Provigil. I don't know if one (instead of both) would do it, but both are really incredible. I've been taking meds for 8 1/2 years now, so I was pretty sure that nothing else would help.
Second, I changed therapists. I was so dependent I thought I would still be with her when she retired. But things got very painful and I couldn't stay. My new therapist is completely different - she was CBT, he is Psychodynamic. I've seen him for less than 2 months so it is hard to say, but I have seen things that make me think that the difference in theory will be really good for me. Plus, my attachment to my old therapist was unhealthy, and making me/keeping me sicker than I needed to be.
I guess my point is that when things hit the bottom, it is time to really challenge some of the basic assumptions that we make - because clearly they aren't working. It is terrifying to do this. But it can work.
In my opinion, you are a very valuable member of the Babble family. Let us help.
Don't worry about the next couple of semesters. Worry about today. Maybe this week. The beginning of this semester.
((((zenhussy))))
Posted by slinky on August 15, 2003, at 20:45:59
In reply to Meds, mood, motivation and misery, posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 1:56:21
Zen~hussydon't give up.
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 20:55:05
In reply to Meds, mood, motivation and misery, posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 1:56:21
You know, I'll return the compliment here. I know you're feeling low right now (and who wouldn't with all you've had to deal with plus flashbacks). But I can see a lot of progress in your post. Graduate school. That's a terrific and very hopeful step.
And you've got a good relationship with your therapist and group. Maybe you could tell her it's time to take a consolidating break before opening new material?
Posted by janejj on August 15, 2003, at 23:38:42
In reply to Meds, mood, motivation and misery, posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 1:56:21
Hey Zenhussy,
Don't give up! Lack of sleep can really drive you crazy and amplify feeling/problems as I'm sure you know! Hope you manage to get the doc to prescribe you a benzo, I think you've got a good case!
I have never really understood how delving into the painful past really helps depressed people.
I am also about to undertake some post-grad study and the financial aspect also has me in a bit of a tizzy!! Hopefully its worth it in the end.
Take care!
janejj
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