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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on September 9, 2003, at 14:05:38
Boy flirts with girl.
Girl feels pretty and attractive first time in a long time.
Boy pursues girl.
Girl not sure.
Boy pursues girl some more.
Girl says OK, let's date.
Boy says, sorry, I can't handle love, too afraid of the hurt of rejection.
Girl is now already hooked.
Girl tries to show boy he's safe.
Boy does something *horrible* to betray their friendship because he is weak and emotionally unhealthy.
Girl tells boy to stay out of her life forever.
Boy stays away. For a couple of months.
Boy comes back and apologizes sincerely, wants to try to fix what's he's broken.Girl doesn't know what to do. Keep ignoring boy and stay safe? Forgive boy and let him do all the work?
Or what? Is girl's wanting to protect herself from more pain any different than boy's original refusal to take a risk? If boy is sincere, shouldn't girl (or anyone) try to forgive? Why does girl still care about boy?
?
Posted by kara lynne on September 9, 2003, at 14:26:09
In reply to I'm Crazy, Aren't I? , posted by Susan J on September 9, 2003, at 14:05:38
I don't know all the circumstances, but if he is sincerely apologizing and wanting to do the work, it sure looks enticing, doesn't it? On the other hand I have found it to be true that people are constantly telling us who they are. It is up to us to see it and believe it. For the most part people remain who they are.
Again, I don't know what happened. If he did something that 'bottom-lined' it for you, you may never be able to trust him again--as it is in my case with my ex-boyfriend. He did something so cruel that even if he did come back wanting to fix it I don't think it could ever be fixed. Maybe it hasn't gotten to that point of no return for you, however.
Girl is smart to be cautious!
Posted by Ted on September 9, 2003, at 15:11:44
In reply to I'm Crazy, Aren't I? , posted by Susan J on September 9, 2003, at 14:05:38
> Boy does something *horrible* to betray their friendship because he is weak and emotionally unhealthy.
....
> Boy comes back and apologizes sincerely, wants to try to fix what's he's broken.
....
> Girl doesn't know what to do. Keep ignoring boy and stay safe? Forgive boy and let him do all the work?
This is the classic scenario of an abuser (either physical or emotional). I am in favor of second chances, but only you can decide how *horrible* he was. I am not in favor of third (or fourth or ...) chances.Only an objective talk with a neutral friend can help if you are unsure. I would probably err on the safe side and tell him to take a hike. After all, he is the one who is so emotionally unhealthy, and you won't be able to change that without *lots* of patient effort.
>Why does girl still care about boy?
Because she is lonely and the familiar is "safe". This is an occasion where you must avoid what feels "safe" and venture out of her cocoon.
Ted
Posted by Susan J on September 9, 2003, at 15:33:42
In reply to Re: I'm Crazy, Aren't I? » Susan J, posted by Ted on September 9, 2003, at 15:11:44
>
> This is the classic scenario of an abuser (either physical or emotional). I am in favor of second chances, but only you can decide how *horrible* he was. I am not in favor of third (or fourth or ...) chances.
<<Never physical abuse. Perhaps emotional, but I don't know how to gauge it. It was a failure to be there for me when I *really* needed help. This would be the second chance....although I still don't know if I'm strong enough to forgive...
>After all, he is the one who is so emotionally unhealthy, and you won't be able to change that without *lots* of patient effort.
<<I know. He's now going to therapy. I don't know when it's OK to forgive someone their faults, because I'd really appreciate if someone would put up with my depression, which may not be a fault, per se, but is/can be difficult for another person to deal with.> Because she is lonely and the familiar is "safe". This is an occasion where you must avoid what feels "safe" and venture out of her cocoon.
<<Probably true. But I've been without him for a few months. *have* ventured out. It's one of those horrible times where you just feel some sort of emotional connection with someone that you rarely ever find.....says lots about me, that's he's the one I feel connected to. :-)But thanks for the advice. Whatever happens, it's going to happen really slowwwwwwwly and on my terms.
It's just weird to have so many conflicting feelings.
Posted by Susan J on September 9, 2003, at 15:37:14
In reply to Not at all., posted by kara lynne on September 9, 2003, at 14:26:09
> I don't know all the circumstances, but if he is sincerely apologizing and wanting to do the work, it sure looks enticing, doesn't it? On the other hand I have found it to be true that people are constantly telling us who they are. It is up to us to see it and believe it. For the most part people remain who they are.
<<Very wise words. He's one who's actions often didn't match his words. He is apparently trying to chance his actions this time around.....wait and see....wait and see.....>
> Again, I don't know what happened. If he did something that 'bottom-lined' it for you, you may never be able to trust him again--as it is in my case with my ex-boyfriend.
>>It was bad, it was failing a friend. I don't know if it's a point of no return. I know it's a point of *never returning to what was* only possibly trying to make something better.> He did something so cruel that even if he did come back wanting to fix it I don't think it could ever be fixed.
>>I wish I could be that strong. :-) When someone hurts someone else, I can never forgive them. When they hurt me, I more easily forgive.....I don't know why. Perhaps I can't bear pain in others, but understand what levels of pain I can deal with. Question is, why deal with any??? I guess I don't know what is an acceptable amount of emotional pain, because even the best relationships have some.
>
> Girl is smart to be cautious!
<<Thanks! I will be....S.
Posted by Susan J on September 9, 2003, at 15:38:44
In reply to Re: I'm Crazy, Aren't I?, posted by Susan J on September 9, 2003, at 15:33:42
This is the end of the thread.
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