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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daveyboy on January 9, 2004, at 22:15:26
Thought I'd give this another try so here it goes. I know I'm depressed and have a deep seated hatred for myself because of the way I feel all the time as though I were the most dispicable person on this planet. In fact, I'm not really sure what feelings are or what I want to do. If I had a choice between traveling the world or being locked up at home I'd choose locked up at home. The things I do are done because I have to and out of what other people think about me. I've spent my entire life wishing I could be someone else and making sure people like me. Anyways, where all of this causes a problem is at work whenever I need to do something new (especially new job)with the following symptoms:
severe anxiety (cold/sweaty palms and feet, dissociation, etc.)
unable to concentrate
unable to start/complete large tasks
not sure what I should know and not know (which causes me to not ask for help)
not sure how to interact with someone I don't know on a personal level(I approach everyone as a friend) which causes me to not say anything
I tend to isolate and not do anything outside of work...i've tried to but the desire just isn't there (i.e. i force myself to go places)I have been like this my entire life. I grew up w/ an alcoholic/ragaholic father and coddling/codependent mother and am constantly wondering how to act. I wind up assuming the personality of people I like/admire in a certain situation which turns me into a chameleon. Anyways, what sucks the most is that its work and especially new jobs that cripple me. Anyways, just wondering if anyone out there has some suggestions.
Posted by Psychopoppy on January 10, 2004, at 2:44:29
In reply to Need help understanding what's wrong with me, posted by daveyboy on January 9, 2004, at 22:15:26
Have you ever considered or tried psychotherapy ?
Its always a good place to start. Also, I think just writing it all out as you have done is also a very good start at looking at yourself. Its not easy to look in the mirror so you're already 2 steps ahead.I am no psychologist but it seems as if you have a really low self esteem. So, why dont you tell us some positive things about yourself as well...just to balance the scale ? your strengths, talents, characteristics, anything at all ? Try not to think of what others have said about you but what you really feel about yourself. I would be interested to hear about them.
It wont hurt to see someone about your anxiety and crippling feelings. Do you have that possiblity available to you where you live ?
Posted by reluctant on January 10, 2004, at 17:29:28
In reply to Re: Need help understanding what's wrong with me, posted by Psychopoppy on January 10, 2004, at 2:44:29
>
> I am no psychologist but it seems as if you have a really low self esteem. So, why dont you tell us some positive things about yourself as well...just to balance the scale ? your strengths, talents, characteristics, anything at all ? Try not to think of what others have said about you but what you really feel about yourself. I would be interested to hear about them.Me too! Journeyman put me through a similar exercise. It was really difficult, but worth it.
Daveyboy, your life is worth too much to spend it feeling rotten. I don't know what your financial situation is, but there are therapists out there who will work on a sliding scale. Ask around - you could try calling one or two, and if they don't offer reduced rates, ask if they could reccomend anyone who does.
I know someone who is very resistant to therapy because she thinks it's an admission of weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. Good luck to you -
-r.
Posted by Elle2021 on January 10, 2004, at 20:37:04
In reply to Need help understanding what's wrong with me, posted by daveyboy on January 9, 2004, at 22:15:26
You mentioed that you have a deep seeded feeling of hate for yourself and that you feel like you are the most dispicable person on the planet. Is there something that happened recently (or not so recently) that is making you feel like that?
>I wind up assuming the personality of people I like/admire in a certain situation which turns me into a chameleon.
When you don't know who you are or how you are feeling, it's much easier to adopt someone else's personality. But, the thing you have to realize is that you really do have your own personality, even if it's hard to identify what it's like.
My guess is that your suffering from depression and anxiety. Both of these things can be fixed. I can't see any reason that your should have to live the rest of your life like this. Go to your regular doctor and tell her/him that you would like a referral to a psychiatrist. Your regular doctor might even give you some anti-depressants to help you in the mean time. Either way, start looking for a therapist. If you don't have insurance, check with the gov't services in your area, usually they can refer you to someone who can help you for little or no cost. All the best to you and God Bless.
Elle
Posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 12:07:52
In reply to Re: Need help understanding what's wrong with me » daveyboy, posted by Elle2021 on January 10, 2004, at 20:37:04
Daveyboy,
You are already ahead if you recognize problematic aspects of yourself. I, too have depression, although it's in partial remission. Mine is atypical in that I tend to sleep more instead of insomnia, have no motivation to do anything (even get out of bed), and the worst aspect in my opinion--extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection. I, too have tremendous anxiety when I start a new job. I can't let myself be a learner, I feel like I need to do well right away or I'll look stupid.I don't know if any of this resonates with you, but I shared it because there is hope. I am working with my family doc on medications, but more important, I am also working with an excellent therapist. It took me 35+ years to decide I was ready to face my demons. I'm SO glad I did.
If finances are a problem for therapy, you might also consider contacting a local university that has a counseling or clinical psychology program. There are often opportunities for low or no cost therapy in the training clinics associated with these types of programs.
Please take some time to investigate what might be helpful for you. It may not feel like it to you, and thus these words may ring hollow, but we are all worthy of love and respect, especially our own.
Take care and please stay in touch,
g
Posted by daveyboy on January 11, 2004, at 19:56:37
In reply to Re: Need help understanding what's wrong with me, posted by gardenergirl on January 11, 2004, at 12:07:52
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your responses and support. Just to update, I've been on Paxil CR 25mg for 8 weeks now along with Ambien and then Remedron for sleep. I'm finding it hard to get in to see a pdoc. Had to cancel my appt for 1/7 b/c of a work conflict and now can't get in until 2/23. Anyways, hopefully all of you are having better luck than me.
Posted by ann72 on January 12, 2004, at 15:01:52
In reply to Re: Need help understanding what's wrong with me, posted by daveyboy on January 11, 2004, at 19:56:37
Hello, well, you've taken the first steps, recognizing a problem, then starting the paxil. I have the exact thing as you. JOBS were always a nightmare. I work for my dad now and i guess its better. (no co-workers to face) - I hope the paxil works for you. I tried it, but it changed me so much that my husband (ex) said it was like living with a stranger..Im still trying to find the right meds. But just know its not you, its a chemical problem in your head. Your a good person.
ANN
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