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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on March 29, 2004, at 15:12:02
You guys gave me some good advice and insight before, so I'm coming to you again. I had this friend for 8 years who in the past year got divorced. She suddenly seemed to have no need for me in her life any more. When I confronted her (after several months had gone by this way) she told me I was too dependant on her friendship, that she was sick of being responsible for everyone elses happiness & now it was her turn. She said she didn't know when we'd ever see each other again, but she hoped we could still be friends. The emails went on for a while and got more and more hurtful until I just washed my hands of the whole thing and decided I didn't need friends like that in my life.
Well, now, a few weeks later, I wrote a mutual friend an email to see if he was mad at me too. He said she (the ex-friend) was not mad, just hurt, confused, and disappointed. So now I'm second guessing myself. She just seems so determined to believe she has done nothing wrong and I'm just being crazy or something. The thing is, I have been needy in the past, but I've worked long and hard to overcome that and become self sufficent, and she knows that! She was there encouraging me along the way. So for her to say that to me was like a slap in the face (not to mention untrue considering I hadn't seen or heard form her in several months). But on the other hand, none of the hurtful things she said seemed like anything she would ever say. So it makes me wonder if there was a comunication problem considering it was all done through email, or if she is just feeling guilty and won't admit to anyone that she is in the wrong. I had my therapist read the emails, and she said everything my ex-friend said validated what I was feeling.
So now I'm just so confused. I don't want to reopen the wounds that are just now starting to heal. I couldn't stop crying for 5 days when this first happened! But she was such a great friend for so long, I hate to lose that if it is indeed a misunderstanding.
Anyway, I know this is long so I'll stop now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Posted by octopusprime on March 30, 2004, at 0:22:06
In reply to Confused, posted by TexasChic on March 29, 2004, at 15:12:02
Hi TexasChic
your friend is probably just confused and hurt. you said she was recently divorced? that is very trying. the "sick of being responsible for everyone elses happiness" line almost sounds like a remark intended for her ex.
i don't know if her confusion and hurt was really intended for you. you just happened to be there when she let it out.
it's probably not your fault, and nothing you said or did. but keep in mind that it's probably hard for your friend to be good to you when it's probably taking everything she has just to be good to herself and to keep her own head above water.
sorry i don't have any helpful advice.
Posted by spoc on March 30, 2004, at 16:08:48
In reply to Re: Confused, posted by octopusprime on March 30, 2004, at 0:22:06
> your friend is probably just confused and hurt. you said she was recently divorced? that is very trying. the "sick of being responsible for everyone elses happiness" line almost sounds like a remark intended for her ex.> > i don't know if her confusion and hurt was really intended for you. you just happened to be there when she let it out.>
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Hi again Tex, just wanted to second octopusprime on this. It's easier to see from outside the situation, as you know! I think a lot of times people undergoing a big change like your friend is do get that "Throw the baby out with the bath water" kind of tunnel vision for awhile. As if virtually anything that has at times been confusing or complicated in their life does not fit with the "new me" they plan to become. They are probably doing what seems right at the moment, but often realize with time that they were hasty and overreacted.The key thing is that it really does sound like she cared about you, and you seem perceptive enough to be able to assess whether she really did get benefits out of the friendship too. So yes, easier said than done, but time will probably lead her back to you -- unless she'll be too proud to admit it if it was a mistake, in which case it may not be worth having someone as a friend who would let you suffer instead....
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