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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 10:36:51
I need a little advice. I don't have that many friends because of my depression and self esteem issues. I really only have two right now that I work with.
The one I'm closest to has a boyfriend I absolutely can not stand. This past friday she and I were at her house. We had ordered pizza and rented Timeline because we both loved the book. Well the movie was terrible and we talked all through it about everything that was wrong about it. We were having alot of fun until her boyfriend comes by. He sits down and starts eating our pizza and starts watching the movie. My friend and I just kept on talking. She got up to take a phone call and during that time he told me it was annoying that we were talking during the movie (it was almost over by this time). I just bit my tongue and ignored him, and my friend came back in the room and started talking about the movie again. After a few minutes of our talking he yells out, "Enough!". I was so shocked and offended my only comeback was, "Hey, we rented it". There was a tense moment and then it passed and we started talking again.
After the movie was over, she and I were talking some more and right when I was in mid-sentence, he tackles her where she's sitting on the floor and proceeds to make out with her. I'm sitting there going, okay, this is uncomfortable. After a couple of minutes I realized she wasn't going to do anything about it so I just got up and left.
He has always showed jealousy towards me and has done the attacking thing before. He also never lets us do anything alone. A couple of weeks ago she wanted a girls night out (which we hadn't had since they started dating), and told him he needed to go out with the boys. We went, but when that night rolled around she told me she had to go spend the night at his place because he accused her of cheating on him. They spend every minute together!
Anyway, I have told her that I think he is possesive and manipulating her, but she just doesn't see it. The worst part of it for me is that she doesn't stand up for me when he insults me, and she doesn't seem to realize making out in front of a friend you invited over is rude.
Now here's the deal, we've been planning a trip for memorial weekend between us and a few other people to go to a concert and then do some tubing on the river. I just don't know how I'm going to stand him. I'm considering not going, but it makes me so mad that he is ruining this trip for me. She is really the only true friend I have right now, and I really don't want to lose her. But how can I put up with this guy without telling him off? I know this is long, but it helped to get it all out. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it.
Posted by tabitha on April 26, 2004, at 11:53:36
In reply to My friend's annoying boyfriend, posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 10:36:51
I don't have any useful advice, but I can empathize. I hate it when formerly close women friends seem to disappear into relationships, and/or I'm forced into doing activities with them as a couple, and I don't particularly like the guy. I guess you have to decide whether to back off from the activities that involve the guy, or think of how you might talk to her about it (risky), or learn to deal with him. Good luck.
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 13:23:23
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend, posted by tabitha on April 26, 2004, at 11:53:36
Thanks Tabitha. I appreciate the empathy. The problem is he won't let her do anything without him. So if I back off from activities that involve him, I won't be able to see her at all. And I don't think I'll ever be able to get used to someone who commands me to be quiet. The worst part is, I don't really have any other friends at the moment. I'm in the process of trying to start over after a long friendship went sour. I just feel like I'm backed into a corner.
Posted by rainyday on April 26, 2004, at 13:38:51
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend, posted by tabitha on April 26, 2004, at 11:53:36
I think your friend deserves to know that her annoying boyfriend is coming between you and your friendship with her. Maybe a three-way conversation about being social instead of him attacking her in front of you? Like get a room? Just that aspect alone would be enough to put me off. I guess I am kind of straightlaced when it comes to displays of affection (if that's what it is) alienating other people.
I don't have many friends either and maybe stuff like this is why?? But I know there are people out there who understand what being a friend means.
rainyday
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 13:49:10
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend, posted by rainyday on April 26, 2004, at 13:38:51
Something just occured to me. My friend is always saying all of her friends hate her boyfriend. But that's not it. You can put up with someone you dislike. What it actually is, is that he intentionally chases her friends away! He wants her all to himself. Wow, I can't believe I didn't see that before.
I will probably end up talking to her about it, because she's going to wonder why I don't hang out with her anymore. The bad thing is, no matter what I do its going to come down to her deciding between me and him. I don't like being in that place. Argggg!!! (growl of frustration).
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 15:09:54
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend, posted by rainyday on April 26, 2004, at 13:38:51
Thanks rainyday, you always say something to make me feel better. Its not really displays of affection that I don't like, its his motivation behind it that bothers me. Plus I think its pretty rude when you have a guest, to do *anything* that makes them feel ignored to the point that they feel the need to leave.
Posted by Tootercat on April 26, 2004, at 15:39:16
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend rainyday, posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 15:09:54
Tex,
I have a couple of thoughts:
1. Don't sacrifice your standards in order to have a "friend" or "friends". That is your responsibility to yourself.
2. Your friend is responsible for taking care of herself. If she "chooses" to LET her boyfriend dictate (and may I be so crude as to say "dick"tate) how her time is spent that is her decision. Most female friendships are put to the test when a man becomes involved. Men are not the only creatures with hormonal drives.
3. It sounds like you need to establish some healthy boundaries without making it sound like whining or threatening. Explain to her that it makes you uncomfortable when they start making out in front of you (especially when he is an uninvited guest)(disrespect to you) or when he treats her with disrespect by not allowing her to be an individual (or whatever). Simply state that you will leave wherever it is that you are should those things occur.Don't know if this sounds feasible but that's my take. I wish you well.
Hugs, Toots
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 15:53:47
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend rainyday » TexasChic, posted by Tootercat on April 26, 2004, at 15:39:16
You know, that's actually a good idea. I just recommended that to someone else, but I couldn't stand back enough to apply it to my own situation. I have complained, but never set down boundries like that before. Thanks tootercat!
Posted by Tootercat on April 26, 2004, at 16:09:14
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend tootercat, posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 15:53:47
Tex,
Most of us are better able at "seeing" solutions or options when it is happening to someone else. Thanks for caring enough and being brave enough to share!
Toots
Posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 16:09:36
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend tootercat, posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 15:53:47
Wait, I just thought that over and if I were to leave, that would be giving him what he wants: to drive me away. I will still use the strategey of setting boundries, but I will have to think of something else as far as what I will do in response. !@#$ this is hard!
Posted by Tootercat on April 26, 2004, at 16:42:29
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend tootercat, posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 16:09:36
Whoa girlfriend! Your leaving is NOT about him! It is about you! If you stay and get more pi**ed off then you have given him what he wants anyway. If you leave you are only taking care of yourself. My guess is that he couldn't care less about whether you stay or not...he is controlling HER. That is HER problem. And I hate to say it sweetie but if she doesn't notice that you've gone...you are better off without a "friend" like that. This is not an easy decision and I am not making light of it. Take care of you and your feelings.
Toots
Posted by octopusprime on April 26, 2004, at 22:00:54
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend tootercat, posted by TexasChic on April 26, 2004, at 16:09:36
chiming in late:
texaschic, it's a good idea to talk to your friend. it has been my experience, however, that you lose the friend.
like bjork says: "i can decide what i give, but it's not up to me what i get given."
if your friend decides not to set boundaries when it comes to her boyfriend, and not to give you some attention as a friend, then you can't force her to give it to you. and it's definitely not your place to try to outwit her boyfriend (who may be controlling, i'm not questioning her analysis). that is typically an argument the female friend loses.
just be clear about what is bothering you ("i'm uncomfortable when your boyfriend interrupts/makes out with you in front of me. i miss our time together"), and what you want ("i want to spend time with you, but less time with your boyfriend. can you arrange some one-on-one time with your female friends"), then leave the ball in her court.
good luck. this is hard.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 1:23:28
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend » TexasChic, posted by octopusprime on April 26, 2004, at 22:00:54
Sorry you have to deal with this. What a crappy situation and crappy behavior on his part, and on hers.
Perhaps you can re-frame it for yourself like this: Poor girlfriend. She has a crappy boyfriend. I can see that he is a jerk, but she can't right now. Someday she might, and she will probably be hurt or angry. She'll need a friend then. In the meantime, I will be the best friend I can, but I will do so within boundaries that are necessary for my own comfort.
I hope you are able to find some way to resolve this for your own best interest.
Take care,
gg
Posted by TexasChic on April 27, 2004, at 8:41:57
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend, posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 1:23:28
Thanks everybody for your input. It really helped give me the courage to talk to her, which I did last night. It went pretty well, I told her exactly how I felt, that I don't think I can be around him anymore, and since he won't let us hang out alone, I don't know what to do. She told me first of all, she really values our friendship, and there is no way she would let him get away with driving me away. She then told me he doesn't control her like that, and that I can declare girl night anytime I want. She also said, yes, he is offensive, he's an offensive guy, but that she seems to be the only one that can see that beneath that he's a really sweet guy. She said she had no idea that I was so offended by him saying "enough" like that, apparently she thought it was an appropriate response because we were talking during the movie. Then she decided on a sign for me to give her when I feel he's just really gone too far, and then she will set him straight. She also said she would make a concentrated effort not to do the making out thing. She said she knows he's possessive and codependent, and apparently she's letting that slide (don't ask me why). I still feel like things aren't resolved, but are at least better and out in the open. The one thing that bothered me is she said he is as annoyed by me as I am by him. I've gone above and beyond to be nice to him and have overlooked many things. I don't know if I'm offended that he apparently talks about how I annoy him to her, or if its just that nothing I could do would ever satisfy him. I guess I'll just have to deal with that as I go along. Thanks again for everyone's support.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 9:43:51
In reply to Re: My friend's annoying boyfriend, posted by TexasChic on April 27, 2004, at 8:41:57
Way to go! I know conversations like that can be hard. Good for you for bringing it up. Hopefully things will get better.
gg
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