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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:46:49
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
I spent some time with a friend and the two babies she adopted from Russia. (This is the second couple/friends of ours who have adopted from Russia). The little girl is nearly a year, walking, and doing a pretty good impression of talking. The phonics might not be exactly right, but the intonation and syllable length are so perfect that it doesn't take much to figure out what she's saying. The little boy was adorable too.
Amazingly, with both families that adopted, the kids look very much like one or the other parent. :) I felt absolutely foolish sometimes starting to say she/he has your/your husband's eyes, nose, personality.
I truly enjoyed being pregnant and breastfeeding. I truly hated postpartum depression and all the accompanying hormone weirdness.
But when you've had them a while you forget how they got there, I think.
Posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:49:09
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:46:49
I left with an unbelievable urge to search the web for the adoption sites she was telling me about. My husband had to do some severe aversion work with me to restrain my maternal instinct gone haywire. Because the truth is that I only want one child. It's just hard to remember that when looking into a pair of dark blue eyes and a sticky grin.
Posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 17:22:07
In reply to a site to get you started » pegasus, posted by judy1 on May 18, 2004, at 16:35:24
Hi judy
Thanks! I should have mentioned that I've looked into IVF and my husband and I have decided against it. At that point, we'd rather adopt, I guess. But I did want to try clomid and insemination first. I am working with a reproductive endocrinologist, and also have had a regular endocrinologist for a long time (since the thyroid cancer), but neither of them know what to do about my weird response to the dose changes. So I guess we'll keep trying the "messing around with dosage" strategy. I just feel the time slipping away, and I have no faith that it'll work out, since there is no theory that explains what's going on. Sigh.
I'll be ok with adoption eventually, it's just a big disappointment. I was thinking of adopting from Korea, because there they put the babies in foster homes instead of orphanages, so they have someone to attach to during that critical early few months of development.
But I still have 10 more months until I turn 40. So I should try to be optimistic.
Thanks again.
pegasus
Posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 17:33:23
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:46:49
Oh, thanks Dinah. That makes me feel a little better. I guess it must be true that once you have them, it's not important how you got them. I mean, I can think about how I feel about my pets, and they're not even the same species as me.
There are a lot of great things about adopting, I know. Such as skipping the pain of childbirth, not contributing to overpopulation, giving a needy child a good home, tax breaks, and a lot more.
Unfortunately, there seems to be an unexpected instinct thing that's getting to me. I want my *own* child, even though I think it's better for the world and probably even my own growth if we adopt.
My husband and I had a sweet little conversation about the parts of each other that we'd want our child to inherit: his hair, my eyes, his feet, my smarts, his temperament, my height, his artistic talents, etc. Of course, they'd probably get my hair, his eyes, my feet, his teeth, my temperament, the mental illness in his family, my impatience, etc. We could probably make a pretty unfortunate person with various combinations of our genes. Ha ha!
pegasus
Posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 17:48:28
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
I was on that fertility roller-coaster for 3 years. I remember each month being hopeful, then disappointed, and then hopeful again. And there is nothing more unromantic than ovulation timing! I have a thyroid condition too which contributed to my problem. Clomid was not successful for me. It was the month that I finally gave up and ordered a book about how to be happy and childless that I became pregnant. Go figure. Stress does weird things to the body.
Anyway, I understand your fears and frustrations. I am seriously considering adopting for baby #2. One thing I learned from having my own child is that I can love any child -- they are all so precious and innocent and full of possibility.
Good luck!
Posted by gardenergirl on May 18, 2004, at 23:43:05
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Posted by All Done on May 19, 2004, at 0:36:33
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
(((Pegasus))),
Sorry for the tough time you're going through. I hope the doctors can help you to have the opportunity to give the clomid and/or inseminations a try. My husband and I went through that and ended up conceiving through IVF. It might be a rough road ahead of you - just know that we'll be here to listen to and support you whenever you need it.
My husband and I are also considering adopting our second child. It is a beautiful thing to provide a home to a child in need of one. You would have more than my respect if that's the choice you make.
Good luck and take care,
All Done
Posted by All Done on May 19, 2004, at 0:38:45
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 17:48:28
> One thing I learned from having my own child is that I can love any child -- they are all so precious and innocent and full of possibility.
Well said, Aphrodite :).
Posted by gardenergirl on May 19, 2004, at 8:44:01
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Pegasus,
Last night when I read your post, I had just finished looking at pictures (with my husband) of a friend's new (first) baby. It was bitter sweet. I've been off of the pill now for at least three years. I know what you mean about getting your period. It is a painful reminder. We haven't tried infertility treatment yet, because I want to wait until I am done with school. Or at least on internship, which will be busy, but fairly consistent. But I will be 39 then, too. It is scary and nerve wracking. The sense of urgency just adds so much stress.And my husband goes back and forth about whether he is "ready" or not. Guess what hubby. You don't have to worry about the timing, but I do. And that means you do too, ya big dork!
On the other hand, a professor I worked for last summer has adopted two absolutely adorable boys from India. They are the cutest, happiest kids. So that give me hope.
But it's hard, I know. Take care, and know that my thoughts are with you on this.
gg
Posted by pegasus on May 19, 2004, at 12:39:52
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by gardenergirl on May 19, 2004, at 8:44:01
I really appreciate your support. Last night I went to meet my neighbor's 2 week old little boy, and it just broke my heart. He's so precious and sweet. I hate to think that I'll never get to be a mom to a little one like that.
But you're all correct that adopting is great, and anyway there may still be some hope.
I just hate hate hate having cramps today. And my endocrinologist is being a jerk about this right now. He acts like all the info I've found on the web is not valid, and I'm full of sh** with the things I want to try. He just wants to keep adjusting dosages until something miraculous happens. Feh! And I wait 4 weeks between adjustments to test again! I haven't got that kind of time!
Thanks everyone, for your similar stories, and happy endings, and support.
pegasus
Posted by Aphrodite on May 19, 2004, at 14:22:56
In reply to Thx much Aphrodite, GG, All Done, posted by pegasus on May 19, 2004, at 12:39:52
I had a doctor who told me to stop playing doctor on the internet when I brought him lots of information on my condition and some experimental treatments. I fired him immediately. Then, I found a compassionate doctor who was interested in my thoughts and worked with me as a team. It was under her care that I became pregnant. As for the first doctor, I sent him a picture of my 2 week old baby and wrote, "I was right. Thanks for nothing." Boy what those postpartum hormones can do to a person!
Some doctors are arrogant and want to play God, and they don't want your involvement. I would look elsewhere if that attitude continued. You need to feel like you are involved in the process of making baby a reality instead of dependent upon the doctor.
Posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:22:22
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Peg,
You are so brave for posting this. My heart goes out to you. But...40 is NOT too old. One of my closest friends had an adorable little guy at 45. Yes, there are risks but still.
And adoption can be wonderful. Our SPT here adopted twin boys who were drug exposed. They were put immediately into fostercare so she got to meet them and see them until she took them home at 6 months of age. Now they are three and doing wonderful. She, btw, just had a baby girl after trying for 8 years and giving up. She thought she had the flu for 2 months...lol.
My brother and his wife (she's a pediatrician) also started trying "late" because she was in med school. They ended up doing IVF and had a wonderful little guy when she was 39. Then poof! along came another when they weren't looking. Amazing how that happens.
Children are a blessing and a curse. I hope you get your prayers answered soon. Someone said already it is a roller coaster ride. We'll help you hang on! Please call out for help as needed.
Posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:24:22
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by gardenergirl on May 19, 2004, at 8:44:01
GG,
Please read my post to Peg. You are brave too. I know it is so painful to want this so badly.
I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it happen for you both. For all of you who are wishing and wanting.
Keep the faith. Anything can happen. And usually does.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2004, at 8:05:53
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » gardenergirl, posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:24:22
Thanks Daisy. You are such a caring, sweet person. Your post to peg helped me too. I haven't given up hope yet, but I also tend not to let myself think about it much (except when I am reminded somewhat irregularly).
Thanks for your wishes and words of comfort.
Take care,
gg
Posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 11:54:15
In reply to Re: Thx much Aphrodite, GG, All Done » pegasus, posted by Aphrodite on May 19, 2004, at 14:22:56
I know you're right. Yesterday I did some research and called around and got appts with a variety of endocrinologists in my general area. The one I'd really like to see is booked until October, so he must be good! I made an appt anyway. I also have an appt with another new endo that I know nothing about on June 2. She works at a university hospital, so I'm hoping she'll be up on the latest thinking and research. And I'm going back to see my old endo on Tuesday, just to lay it all out for him, and see if he has anything helpful to say, and check my records for myself for the last 10 years.
The truth, I think, is that no one knows what to do in a situation like this. My body isn't following the rules. So, I think I'll have to use some intuition. And I've been seeing a nutritionist and an accupuncturist, and I'm starting with a new T who specializes in fertility/pregnancy issues, doing Pilates, and visualizing being a mother, etc. and I'll try anything else at this point. I must say, I'm enjoying the accupuncture and Pilates, and I'm eating a lot better than I used to. So that's got to be worth something, baby or no.
Thanks for your encouragement, and positive stories. I'll keep looking for a decent Dr. around here.
I love your story about sending a picture of the baby to your old doc!
pegasus
Posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 11:56:02
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:22:22
Thanks Daisy, for reminding me that 40 is my own arbitrary deadline. And maybe I should rethink the IVF decision. If I can ever get my thyroid stuff stabilized, we're going to at least do the treatments they recommend before you move on to IVF.
I appreciate everyone's support. This is really hard to admit, and depressing me a lot right now.
pegasus
Posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:29
I totally understand your feelings around maybe never getting to hold your "own" baby only mine comes from another angle. I basically "couldn't" have children of my own or adopted because I didn't feel safe in doing so. I came from a very dysfunctional childhood which then led to alcoholism and drug addiction and made a conscious/unconscious decision not to pass along my "history" Now at 46 I am probably at a place where I could be a wonderful mommy but I do not want to start a family so late. I have an incredible man in my life *finally* who would have been a wonderful father. (he has two grown children) I will now concentrate on enjoying this gloriously happy healthy man/woman relationship and just be a surrogate mommy to you guys on here and to my god-children. My godson and goddaughter are both adopted and are incredible children. I wish you love and happiness in however you achieve your extended family.
Love,
Toots
Posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 15:23:14
In reply to Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:29
Thanks so much for your story tooter. I'm sorry that stability and a great relationship came late to you. But I love your attitude, and I'm going to try to think somewhat that way about my situation as well.
I think I'm getting this thing a little more into perspective. I started trying to get pregnant late in part because I was pretty emotionally unstable for most of my life. It was when I started getting help, and getting better that we started trying. So, I'm trying to recognize that I wasn't just beeing foolish to have waited. And that I'm lucky to have started turning things around when I did.
pegasus
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 20, 2004, at 15:39:23
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 15:23:14
Pegasus,
Can you possibly look at your situation in the perspective that maybe you can't have children of your own because perhaps you were meant or destined to mother another person's bilogical child or even a child related to you? Does this make sense? Maybe you are here to help or provide nurturing for a child who is not biologically yours, but someone you could make a huge difference to. Maybe you couldn't do that if you had a child of your own.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 20, 2004, at 15:40:50
In reply to Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:29
Tooter, I made that same conscious decision about having a family for exactly the same reasons. I'm now 41 and my wonderful second husband has 3 grown children of his own. Isn't life just too strange?
Posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 16:16:21
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 15:23:14
Based on how my life is now.....everything happens for a reason but I don't always get to know what that reason is. I do know that if I have been through all that I have in order to get where I am now I wouldn't change a thing!
Toots
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 20, 2004, at 16:22:53
In reply to Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:38
Hey Toots, That's the same reason I didn't want to have a child. But....I got pregnant when I was 18 and really didn't have a choice not to have a child. I gave my child up for adoption and I was without a child till ten years ago when my son and I connected. I am now a grandmother and there is one on the way!!!!
I was so worried about mental illness and my horrible upbringing that I just couldn't bring myself to have anymore children.
My son is now 35 and healthy. But the manic depressive illness hits our family late. Most were obviously ill in their late 30's. So it's a waiting game, I am hoping and praying he will be okay.
My mothers family had three BP children out of 6 children.
There was a bad chemistry in my mothers family. I think my grandfather was BP as well.
I was never a mom just a birth mother....it was a big deal but now I am so happy.
Posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 16:41:47
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by Jai Narayan on May 20, 2004, at 16:22:53
Jai,
I am so happy you and your son hooked up! I may get to be a grandma because my future hubby has a daughter with 1 son and another baby due July. Like I said in another post everything happens for a reason.....Love ya,
toots
Posted by lonelygirl on May 20, 2004, at 16:54:06
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » Dinah, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 17:33:23
I know I'm a little late in replying to this, Peg, but I'm still catching up on Babble! I'm sorry to hear about your fertility troubles. I can't say I "understand" because I've never, you know, tried, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.
I agree with what judy1 said -- if you adopt, you WILL be a mom just the same as if you gave birth! Dinah's post reminded me of a girl I knew on my swim team (a star swimmer, by the way). I was shocked to find out that she was adopted, because she looked just like her mother!
As you know, though, anything can happen, so who knows? Maybe you will get your "miracle" before you turn 40! I truly hope so. But if not, maybe your "calling" is to adopt a little one who needs you.
Posted by shadows721 on May 20, 2004, at 23:59:36
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Pegasus,
I do hope that you get your wish fulfilled in being a mom. I have to tell you that pressuring yourself does no good at all. I know 3 ladies that had problems and gave up. When they gave up, they got pregnant. This happened, because they weren't so stressed. So try not to stress yourself, please. Stress can play a major role in hormones and fertility.
I wish you could talk with my nursing instructor that tried for 10 years to have a baby. After she adopted a child, she came down with rare migrane disorder. It wasn't a migrane disorder. She was pregnant! She never believed it would happen to her. She tried everything. After adopting a baby, her focus was off of her fertility an on the baby. Bingo! She became pregnant within a year.
Another lady I worked with tried for 5 years, her doctor said stop trying and start shopping. Her doctor said you are trying to hard and stressing yourself out. Sure enough, she had a whole new wardrobe of clothes when she got pregnant.
I am not suggesting those ideas, but I am suggesting in being not so stress out. If you are happy in your life as it is, your health will be better and a better chance of conceiving too. Be kind to yourself in the process.
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