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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emme on June 28, 2004, at 0:07:23
Another semi-gloom post from moi. Okay. Well. I guess I'm looking at partial remission. I don't cry as much in the mornings. My bro thinks I look and sound much better than, say, six months ago. All sounds pretty good, huh? And hey, I'll take what I can get!
The thing is, I still can't feel pleasure the way I think I once did. I feel detached. Now maybe it's because I don't have my career together and no love life - all that logistical stuff. But I feel like being really happy or peaceful or whole is no longer something I think much about or expect to happen. I'd expect a bit of perpetual sadness in someone who's survived some major traumas. But I haven't had any. Most of the emotion I have these days is anger/rage. At least I'm acting fairly normally around my friends.
I'm going to become an emotionally limited automaton. Actually, it's probably not a bad strategy while trying to go through the motions and get life in order. "The Depressionator" "I'll be back, baby." "Resistance is futile."
Posted by Racer on June 29, 2004, at 11:12:06
In reply to Is it possible to feel happy again?, posted by Emme on June 28, 2004, at 0:07:23
Emme, my mother used to have mottoes all over the place, and two of them still hang in my mind to help me when I'm convinced that I'll never enjoy anything ever again. I tried very hard to think of a way to paraphrase them, but I can't. It's going to take me a while to find them, since I can't remember enough about the specific words used to make searching easy, but I promise this much, at least: when it's not too dark in me to read them, they always give me Hope.
I don't have time to search right this minute, but I promise to look just as soon as I possibly can.
Hang in, Emme -- if you will, I will, 'K?
Posted by Racer on June 29, 2004, at 13:32:17
In reply to Is it possible to feel happy again?, posted by Emme on June 28, 2004, at 0:07:23
Emme, I couldn't find either of them. I'm very sorry. I will keep looking, but I'm not sure where else to check -- although one sounds like Alexander Pope to my memory, so I may read some of his Essays and see if I can find it there.
They both said about the same thing, though: don't ask if a person is a happy person, ask if that person had a happy life. Again, they don't help me when it's so dark inside me that I can't see any light, but when I'm in that middle state where you're not really *actively* depressed, but you're certainly not satisfied or happy with anything, I can look at that and be reminded that my immediate state is not permanent. Does that make any sense to you? It probably doesn't help much, since I'm Racer and not Pope or someone else with that sort of ability with words, but the idea does help me. It helps me remember that, while today -- this minute -- I may not be *actively* happy, I have had happy moments, and am likely to have more in the future. That it's the overall picture that counts, not the individual brush strokes.
Also, Emme, I think it might be worth taking to your doctor about this, too. I know that some anti-depressants can cause a sort of overall emotional decrease for some people. On Paxil, I couldn't feel pleasure or pain. It was just a total emotional deadening for me, and that's why I finally stopped it. If you're taking a med that is doing something like that for you, changing to another med might help.
Best luck, Emme, and I do hope it gets better for you soon.
Posted by Emme on June 29, 2004, at 16:27:05
In reply to No luck in my search » Emme, posted by Racer on June 29, 2004, at 13:32:17
Hi Racer,
> Emme, I couldn't find either of them.
Thanks so much for looking. That's really nice.
> They both said about the same thing, though: don't ask if a person is a happy person, ask if that person had a happy life. Again, they don't help me when it's so dark inside me that I can't see any light, but when I'm in that middle state where you're not really *actively* depressed, but you're certainly not satisfied or happy with anything, I can look at that and be reminded that my immediate state is not permanent. Does that make any sense to you?
Well, sort of. But I worry that because I can't derive pleasure from my memories, and I'm so lost and have stopped really living, that the cumulative effect is a life of unfulfilled potential and little real "living". Added up over enough time, that's not a happy life.
> It probably doesn't help much, since I'm Racer and not Pope or someone else with that sort of ability with words, but the idea does help me. It helps me remember that, while today -- this minute -- I may not be *actively* happy, I have had happy moments, and am likely to have more in the future. That it's the overall picture that counts, not the individual brush strokes.
Your words are just fine! :) Do you actually get any pleasure or satisfaction from remembering the happy moments you've had? I don't seem to get any satisfaction from anything in my past. My T thinks it's a depression-induced filter.
> Also, Emme, I think it might be worth taking to your doctor about this, too. I know that some anti-depressants can cause a sort of overall emotional decrease for some people. If you're taking a med that is doing something like that for you, changing to another med might help.I was thinking about that very same thing. I've got evil brain fog too. I haven't been on any SSRIs or any other regular ADs except for a recent 4 week trial of SJW. I somehow don't think the Lamictal is doing it. I don't think the Lamictal is doing the brain fog either. Xanax? I hope not. I like the xanax. I'm trying SAM-e, but this way predates that. So I don't know. Maybe it's a product of stress and remaining depression. Maybe I'm battle-weary.
> Best luck, Emme, and I do hope it gets better for you soon.
Thanks! I appreciate that. Actually, the last 2 days haven't been great. Suicidal thoughts have wiggled back into the foreground. Ya know, it's kind of like they have a life of their own. I'm convinced that suicidal thoughts progress from being a part of depression to becoming their own phenomenon and they poke back up when my resistance slides. I'm going to see my pdoc tomorrow. She is Dr. Optimism. I'm hoping for a better second half of the week.
Hope you're doing okay yourself.
Emme
Posted by Racer on June 29, 2004, at 17:53:19
In reply to Re: No luck in my search » Racer, posted by Emme on June 29, 2004, at 16:27:05
You know what, Emme? I do get some satisfaction from my memories, and I do go through the "but I've lost too much of my life!" periods (usually daily), but even now there are things I can find *pleasing* during many of my days. Now, I suspect that that's because I'm in a kind of "holding pattern" right now -- still not medicated, so I can say things to myself like, "Well, sure, but you're not even medicated right now -- just wait until you finally get properly medicated!"
I absolutely agree with you about suicidal thoughts, by the way. Even when I'm otherwise fine, I still sometimes find myself saying to myself, "Sure, go ahead and try it -- if it doesn't work out, you can always just ..." In a way, it's a little liberating, and I do try new things that I probably wouldn't if I didn't have my "back door exit" to make the consequences less frightening, you know? But you have to hang on right now, Emme -- Shar has a rule that any alternative is utterly and entirely unacceptable before hte age of 50. She's been on this site for a long time, so she gets to make that sort of rule and we all have to follow it. Besides, if I can hang in, I want you with me.
Take care, dear, and I do hope tomorrow's visit with Dr Optimism goes well.
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