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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by becksA on July 27, 2004, at 5:10:30
I seem to have a problem with keeping a "medium" distance (emotionally) with new girlfriends...I am a very emotional and sensitive person, and when I begin to date, often I will act so affectionate and caring , that they will want to see me immediately the next day, the next day, and so on.
However, I just moved to the area, I'm still in school, interning, my life is just too unbalanced to handle that. NOt to mention I'm young, I would like to keep my options open without hurting any feelings!
Perfect example, tonight, I had a first date. Things went so well that it finally ended after kissing her goodnight in her car after sitting outside my house until 4:00 AM, and her telling me she would call me tomorow (I told her to call too! ack!) and we plan on watching a movie at her place tomorow.
For me it's always been either nobody, or a girlfriend that clings to me immediately and gets very emotionally attached right from the get-go. I don't understand how all these guys can make it seem so easy to casually (not in a bad way) date a couple of girls ....until one becomes serious after a while,,,instead of after the FIRST DATE like me!
Posted by yoshimi on July 27, 2004, at 12:37:05
In reply to Guy for relationship advice...., posted by becksA on July 27, 2004, at 5:10:30
hi there,
i have the same problem sometimes, but it just takes some restraint and communication. If you stay honest things tend to go better. I always try to say Im just dating different people and takign it slowly, and then see what happens.
Just be clear and you shouldnt be hurting feelings.
It is tough though because its nice to hang out with someone and I know how easy it is to get caught up in it.
yoshimi
Posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 12:37:05
In reply to Guy for relationship advice...., posted by becksA on July 27, 2004, at 5:10:30
No expert here, but I'm happy to give you a woman's perspective. When you say you act affectionate and caring, do you mean all touchy-huggy? Do you think that you might be acting needy emotionally rather than affectionate? I only say this because I have had the same problem in previous relationships (I'm married and deliriously happy!), where I've turned into a Cling-On and really alienated the guy, or gotten in too fast too deep with someone who wasn't really a smart choice for me. Sometimes it was an animal attraction that masked a lack of depth in the relationship too.
I could be glib and say - just be friends and don't let it go any further until you get to know each other better - but I know what it's like to be lonely and new in a place that's unfamiliar.
My step-son, for instance, is 20 years old and has oodles of friends who are girls - not "girlfriends". They hang out together but aren't hung up.
Posted by becksA on July 27, 2004, at 16:23:24
In reply to Re: Guy for relationship advice.... » becksA, posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 12:37:05
Well yeah, I guess to be quite honest...because of the simple fact we've only been on one date, its hard for me to judge what I really think of her. Obviously I've got something for her or I wouldnt be hanging out with her, but tonight we're hanging out again, second date, second night in a row....I don't want to use the cliche "afraid of commitment" because it's not quite that....I just feel crowded and claustrophobic when something like this happens...It may be because I'm very emotionally sensitive and when I havent had a girlfriend for a while, then suddenly this drops into my lap out of nowhere, my emotions can't take that drastic and sudden of a change??
If I feel like I want to tell her I want the dreaded "space" I'm afraid she'll take it completely the wrong way ....like i'm losing interest. What's the best way I can put it to her, tonight when i'm at her place?thanks so much.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 17:51:12
In reply to Re: Guy for relationship advice...., posted by becksA on July 27, 2004, at 16:23:24
Let's see. you can say that you're afraid of too much too soon. (Is that hard for a guy to say?) You're in a new environment, trying to fit in and find your niche. It's great to have a new friend (very important word) because now you have someone to talk to.
Also, keeping your dates on neutral grounds - going to a restaurant or cafe instead of a "destination" (her place or yours) will help keep the distance, unless you LIKE snogging in public. Isn't that a great word? I learned it in England - very handy word.
Have fun tonight, don't be afraid, be honest, be happy for a new friend.
Posted by becksA on July 27, 2004, at 18:10:12
In reply to Re: Guy for relationship advice.... » becksA, posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 17:51:12
That would have been good, but she's no "Friend" anymore.....we cuddled and made out in her car for like 45 minutes when she dropped me off....so its on now. But I still don't want to have anything intensley serious, ya know? doesn't mean I dont like her the same, I just dont know how to tell her that right now sometimes I need my own time and sometimes I wanna be with her, depending on my mood...
Posted by yoshimi on July 28, 2004, at 5:01:06
In reply to Re: Guy for relationship advice...., posted by becksA on July 27, 2004, at 18:10:12
hey there,
i think its totally fine for you to have "snogged" (hehe) for 45 minutes and still
say you dont want to jump into anything to serious. I mean a bit of fun is ok. its not like you all are wearing rings right! Just say how you feel. honesty is always best and if you communicate how you feel then you are doing the right thing.yoshimi
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