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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tampagirl70 on December 7, 2004, at 11:35:57
About 6 years ago I went through a major depressive episode and it was the worst experience of my life. I also have OCD so that made it even worse. For about 3 1/2 years my OCD has been under control, but this year has just not been a good year. I had some problems in June and then things got better. At the end of October I had some problems and now things still aren't the way they used to be, but I have good days and bad days. I feel like most of the bad days are behind me, but one never knows. I don't want to feel like I do right now forever. I want to be the old me - fun, happy, mischievious (sp?), wanting to go out and do things, looking forward to doing things, etc. I had a good 3 or 4 days and now I'm back to being just mediocre. My OCD is still around, although not as bad as it was, but I know it can be better. My pdoc adjusted my meds about 3 weeks ago and I see my therapist next Thursday. I love Xmas and all that goes with it - baking, decorating, shopping, celebrating - but while I feel the way I do, I don't enjoy it. I'm not anxious to go to lunch like I usually am. I'm hesitant to go anywhere, basically, except when its time to go home. I look forward to going home and feel pretty comfortable and at ease there. I just want to be normal again...
Posted by partlycloudy on December 7, 2004, at 12:03:25
In reply to I don't want to feel like this forever, posted by tampagirl70 on December 7, 2004, at 11:35:57
I've been struggling with these anxiety issues, too. I've had, by my accounts, a bad year personally. I'm better, then I'm not so good, then I have a rotten couple of days and I wonder when will it end? Why is it so hard to accept the ebb and flow of our emotions instead of just letting them happen?
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, tpagirl. I'm trying not to doubt the good days but to accept them, and I'm trying not to anticipate how I'll feel tomorrow. This is that Sunday night syndrome that many of us feel.
For some, it's realizing that Monday morning we have to go back to the drudgery of our work week. For some, it's getting to Sunday night and realizing we didn't do all we wanted to during the weekend (like decorate for Christmas), we beat ourselves up over it.
Everyone tells me to take it easy (sound familiar?). I think it's a combination of therapy helping to untangle all the knots we carry in our heads, finding that elusive balance of medication to alow us to apply ourselves effectively to therapy, and for me, the biggest issue is self acceptance.
When I'm in the thick of it: anxious, upset, frustrated, frozen, and unhappy, I cannot see that things are better than they were. I post here, and my babble friends say to me - of course you're better! You're not (drinking) (gobbling xanax) (crying for hours on end) (take your pick!) like you were when you started, or even a few weeks ago.
BTW did you manage to find a therapist you like? I just started with a new one and I was trying to think of a good excuse not to show up for my appointment today, scared of my own shadow. But (sigh), I'll go, of course. It's only my own head I'm ascared of anyhow.
take good care,
pc, across the bay
Posted by tampagirl70 on December 7, 2004, at 13:06:20
In reply to Re: I don't want to feel like this forever » tampagirl70, posted by partlycloudy on December 7, 2004, at 12:03:25
I thought you were in my area, but couldn't remember. You asked about a therapist - as a matter of fact, I found a therapist that specializes in OCD. I spoke with her in mid-November and she said she didn't have any openings until mid-December, but she wanted me to read a book before I saw her. I have the book, but haven't read it yet. I love to read, but not particularly about OCD. I just ordered a book on HOward Hughes so I can read about someone else's mental health issues.
I know what you mean about a bad year. From 2000 to June of this year I was doing perfectly fine. I had some moments of anxiety, but nothing serious and was able to shake them off. I don't know what happened this year, why all of a sudden I'm flopping around. Actually, I DO know what happened earlier this year and why I fell into a depression in June, but that was a combo of a couple of things, one of which was going off my meds. Anyway....this most recent episode has no real definite trigger, mostly just a conglomeration of many things.
Because I've been so up and down, I'm now trying to anticipate how I'm going to feel and what's going to happen 2 days from now. That in itself creates anxiety and makes things worse. People are always telling me to take it easy, relax, don't push yourself, but when Sunday night comes and I look around and see the things I didn't get accomplished, I get upset. Christmas is here once a year and I only get so many days to enjoy my decorations. I usually start decorating Thanksgiving weekend, but didn't this year. I also told my husband that I'd make him 50 pumpkin breads this year to send to some clients. I did this last year and after they were all done, I couldn't stand the thought of making another pumpkin bread. Right now I have 18 done and keep telling myself "Only 32 more to go," but that hasn't helped me make them. Now that I have a cold, I won't be making any this week either, so another week goes by that I will have not accomplished anything. Well....not necessarily "anything". Laundry will get done, work will get done, some decorating will probably get done, but most likely no baking.
Do you work? Are you married? What meds are you taking? I just took some klonopin - it always makes me feel better, but I don't want to get dependent on it.
Go to your appointment - it'll make you feel better! :)
Posted by tampagirl70 on December 7, 2004, at 13:23:23
In reply to Re: I don't want to feel like this forever » tampagirl70, posted by partlycloudy on December 7, 2004, at 12:03:25
One more thing - how does your husband deal with your anxiety issues? I could use advice in this area.
Posted by antigua on December 7, 2004, at 14:34:42
In reply to Re: I don't want to feel like this forever, posted by tampagirl70 on December 7, 2004, at 13:06:20
Wouldn't it be nice if we could be your little holiday elves and help you bake all the pumpkin bread? I would love it.
antigua
Posted by partlycloudy on December 7, 2004, at 15:04:35
In reply to Re: I don't want to feel like this forever, posted by tampagirl70 on December 7, 2004, at 13:06:20
OMG get this, I showed up for the appointment - and I got the date completely wrong. Now I can get all worked for Thursday, instead - I'm on top of it, believe me.
I've been married 2 and a half years to a very very understanding man who started out saying that he was way more messed up than I am, but he doesn't say that anymore. I have to say that my anxiety really stumps him - you can't see what's happening to me, unless I do that pale, sweating thing. So he gets frustrated with me, but I try to give him as much warning as possible. "I'm having a bad day." "I'm having a really bad day." "Waahhhh!!!" you know. For example, he were going to go to the movies last Sunday. Before we went we went to a very bad crafts fair (too many people), then a nice little shop. Then a motorcycle charity ride thing went past - 2,000 bikes for a toy collection event? - and of course we couldn't leave the store because of all these motorcycles screaming past us. I lost it completely - trapped in a cramped store, unable to get home (for a whole 20 m inutes at least!!), certain that we'd have some life threatening disaster that due to the traffic would mean certain death. So we finally leave. I'm shaking and sweating and hanging on to the seat belt in the car. "I can't go to the movie," I mumbled into the seat belt. Did not go over well, but he immediately said - "we'll just get it on DVD." Now THAT'S a wonderful husband :)
I'm on sick leave from work as I couldn't stop crying and screamed at a vice president when he called on the phone back in October. I go back on the 20th and just hope I can act calm and collected for 40 hours a week again.
Nice to know you!
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