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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
And I'm not talkin bout a horse brothers and sisters..........
What does it mean when I no longer hate myself, just am hell bent on self destruction? I actually like the smaller me, I'm more attractive to myself and others. I like to buy clothes and like to make myself look good to go anywhere, even to work. I spend money on clothes I wouldn't have dreamed of before. I buy good make-up now and pamper myself with these things more often, better shampoo, better skin care products, hardbound books, better shoes, better food, better entertainment. I am faced with horrific new challenges at work, yet I feel as if I am appreciated again, although extreemly over worked and over stressed. Sex is good again, and I want it more often, with many people. I smile more, and I laugh more and everyone loves to be around me, I am the virtual "life of the party". Yet, I often see their smiling faces and wonder if that laughter is directed towards me, not with me, and are they all waiting to see what foolish thing I'll do next whilst in my sloppy drunk slurring stage. I see pictures of myself when I have gone out looking smashing, and come home looking smashed. It amazes me that a few drinks can make my face, neck and ears red. And flatten my hair with the sweat I have created from dancing like a baffoon. It's nightmarish, and yet so very funny to others......they love me....don't they? Is everyone out to enable me on my merry drunk way to hell? Or do they enjoy my company and this is normal for a 40 year old woman to go out drinking and whoring at night? I am at the point where I probably would do any man who looked my way with the slightest eyebrow rasing interest. As long as I could get a few drinks in me, a nice tight pair of jeans, I'm good to go. I care nothing for others apparently now. I am not "beating myself up" as many would and have said to me over the past few months. On the contrary, I'm F***ing myself everynight. I'm in a protective stage I guess. Building a wall up around myself, making myself unaproachable emotionally, yet dropping the draw bridge sexually.....(did you all like that analogy? or should I have said "dropping my drawers" LOL) Funny thing is, I am having a bad day today, due to a recent development in the saga I like to call my idiotic internet interlude. And you know what? I cried over it for about 30 minutes last night and drifted of to a dreamy sleep in which I was having sexual relations with a 18 year old boy my daughter goes to school with. Today, I have spent the entire day alternating between checking to see if there are any more messages, planning when and who I can go do next, and how my next glass of wine is going to taste. How good it is going to feel going down. How I will dance around the kitchen tonight while cooking supper and how my children will love their fun, cool, zany Mommy. I am insane, truely insane. I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself, but herhaps I want something terrible to happen to me to punish me, so I won't have to punish myself for these horrific sins I have perpetrated on the "others" in my life. I've often fantasized about having other personalities within myself so that I could function in society, but not have to be the real me. Perhaps that is what I am doing. I wonder what time and this lifestyle is going to do to this face and body. I often have said "she looks hard" like someone has lived a hard life, too much sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. That's me though isn't it. I've become the preacher's daughter who gets pregnant on her 16th birthday because she has never been out of the house and let live, and therefore the first chance she gets, she does it all. It's a life I cannot control anymore. It's a life bent on hell. Hot firey flames of hell, and I am just licking my lips as it approaches me. This is sick, insane, disgusting, and yet I love it, I absolutely love it.By the way, I have begun to think that maybe one of the other reason I quit this place for a while was that I wrote a very suicidal piece on writing, and noone responded. It was like it was totally ignored. But how damn childish is that? I wanted some attention by god, and I didn't get it and I ran to my room and pouted. How disgusting juvenile.
Guess I should go now, I have to put on my happy face and go home and perform. It's a ludicrous play called......."This is Your F'ed up Life" And the players are not actors, they are real live people......except me of course, I am the fake one. It's so fun to play a character role, don't you think?????
AdaGraceNo Responce Necessary
Posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2005, at 18:15:56
In reply to What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers***, posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
Welcome back Adagrace.
There are a lot of reasons why sometimes people don't respond. I personally find it very hard to know what to say in response to peoples writing.
But you know we care about you, right?
That we wondered where the hell you had gotten to
And whether you were alright.
You aren't really alright, are you.
But you are alive
And you are back here with us :-)Ah, the path to self destruction.
I remember it well.
Though sometimes I am compelled to return to it for a while.
Frantic activity
To escape the bad feelings
The happy face
So we feel more acceptable to othersOh, Ada Grace
I don't know what to say.
Please don't hold that against me.
I am so glad you are back.
Posted by rainbowbrite on January 24, 2005, at 19:16:22
In reply to What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers***, posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
((AdaGrace))
I really don't know what to say, im just so sorry that you feel like this. I wish I could say soemthing that would help.
Ive only ever gone into writing maybe once i think, writing to me reminds me of sad days so i avoid it, but Im thinking of you AdaGrace and I hope things get easier
Posted by smokeymadison on January 24, 2005, at 19:22:19
In reply to Re: What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers*** » AdaGrace, posted by alexandra_k on January 24, 2005, at 18:15:56
Adagrace,
i know what you mean about alternate personalities. at times i wonder if i am so very fragmented that i actually have multiple personlity disorder. i know that i don't, but wouldn't it be easier? each part could handle a bit instead of the whole having to handle everything.
i had a period of time a couple of months ago when i went out drinking and to late night parties and did things i now cringe to think of. nothing like getting naked and jumping in a hot tub with people you just met ten minutes before while your boyfriend sleeps at home. lol.
we really do care about you here. i have been hurt too when no one responded to my writing on the writing board. and that wasn't even at all suicidal. i think that alexandra k is right--a lot of time nobody knows what to say. but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. sorry.
SM
Posted by partlycloudy on January 24, 2005, at 19:49:40
In reply to What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers***, posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
Posted by Impermanence on January 24, 2005, at 21:44:34
In reply to What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers***, posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
You're too hard on yourself. So you're a promiscuous binge drinker, if that merits eternal hell fire then at least you won't be alone down there, Satans gonna have his hands full with half the planet.
You sound like a cool Mom, Just be carful with the 18 year old ehh, that may be going too far from your daughters point of view.
You're living life to the full, thats a good thing, you won't be able to do it forever!!!
Posted by Adagrace on January 24, 2005, at 22:58:55
In reply to What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers***, posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
It means that I am nothing and therefore deserve what I do to myself, and what I do to others, and most of all, what others do to me. I don't deserve the love I so desparately seek. It isn't out there for me, and I often times feel as if isn't really out there for anyone. I expect too much. I need to much, I want too much. I don't deserve any of it. not one damn thing of it.
Posted by just plain jane on January 24, 2005, at 23:17:59
In reply to Re: What Does It Mean, posted by Adagrace on January 24, 2005, at 22:58:55
> It means that I am nothing and therefore deserve what I do to myself, and what I do to others, and most of all, what others do to me. I don't deserve the love I so desparately seek. It isn't out there for me, and I often times feel as if isn't really out there for anyone. I expect too much. I need to much, I want too much. I don't deserve any of it. not one damn thing of it.
>Hmmmmm... and here I was, worried that mebbe you'd fallen off the edge...
I'm here, lookin atcha.
jane
Posted by Angel Girl on January 25, 2005, at 0:47:46
In reply to What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers***, posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
AG
I don't know you but I do know about self-destruction. I do that very well, maybe not in the same way you do but I do it just the same. You say you don't hate yourself. Then why do you think you do this self-destructive behavior? See, I do hate myself, I loathe my very being and I don't think I deserve anything and I'm sure that's why I've been in self-destruct mode for years. If you don't hate yourself, do you not think that maybe you must at least have an extremely low self-esteem? I don't know the right things to say to you since I'm very self destructive too but I will urge you to talk to your T about this and your pdoc. Maybe your T can help you to discover why you engage in self-destructive behavior and help you to start turning it around. I think maybe it might start by trying to love yourself, something that is probably hard for you to do. I know I haven't even begun to master it myself. I think that maybe you've hated yourself for so long that it just seems normal to you now and you don't recognize it as such. I'm not putting you down in the least, just offering suggestions of what might be going on by comparing yourself to me. Again, I urge you to talk to your T and pdoc and get help. Please, please take care of yourself. Hugs.
Another AG
Posted by saw on January 25, 2005, at 6:29:13
In reply to Re: What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers*** » AdaGrace, posted by Angel Girl on January 25, 2005, at 0:47:46
I feel ashamed. I have responded on writing board.
S
Posted by Susan47 on January 26, 2005, at 5:38:54
In reply to Re: What Does It Mean, posted by Adagrace on January 24, 2005, at 22:58:55
Man there's a lot of that "I need too much, Iwant too much, I suck it up and don't give back" stuff going on here lately, have you checked writing lately AG? If you're going to post a suicidal thing, post it where it's going to get more immediate attention (likely) like on Social or something, or Psychology, I mean really, it'll take longer to notice if it's on Writing but I could be wrong and I apologize if I am.
Ew, so many run-on sentences today I think I might be a bit manic I feel a shift today or maybe it was last night ... anyway..
And don't take it personally that you didn't get responders you know it happens all the time, you know that. Remember all the posts about thread-killers, everyone feels like they're a thread-killer at some point? If you take all that stuff personally you just wouldn't last here at Babble.
Whew, thanks.
Posted by Susan47 on January 26, 2005, at 6:04:13
In reply to What Does It Mean ***Loads fo Triggers***, posted by AdaGrace on January 24, 2005, at 18:05:31
Oh yes, your posting of this thread... you just love lectures, don't you? You keep giving yourself up as fodder for us, AG, why are you so hard on yourself? Are you drinking to depress your appetite and stay skinny? Because you know that's gonna make you poufy in a about a half a dozen years.. OR LESS. SO QUIT THAT.
And no crying, either. A good night of crying makes me so incredibly unlookable-at the next morning it's unbelievable, and you'll get there, too, in a few years, the more crying you do, the worse you'll look. See, you can predict how you're going to look. And you already know it's your lifestyle leading you down there right now. So, it's still your choice. I hope you don't make the decision you can't live with.. on the other hand I think you should live it up a little right now while you're still young enough to enjoy your body... but I'm wondering if you're scared (which I am, definitely, scared shiteless) of losing it all to age because when you REALLY had it, (I've just shifted the "you" form of you to the "I" form of you...) you weren't happy with the person/people you were with, they didn't make you happy at ALL, and you never really had it all, you just had little bits of everything here and there, and you just really really want it all, just once, please God.
And once again, I'm ending up talking about myself.
Sorry AG.
This is the end of the thread.
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