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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on June 2, 2005, at 10:42:42
hi all,
I was just thinking about my Mom as I responded to Deneb's post above. My Mom is in bad shape right now, but won't admit it & won't get help. I know she drinks too much - I'm sure of it. She also has some health issues that she just won't address. The family doctor told her she needs a surgery and she's avoiding it and ignoring him. I'm very worried about her. Every time I or another family member tries to talk to her about it, she yells at us and gets VERY mad. Then she gets morose and sulky, then mad again. It's awful. I feel like I can't help her, but if I were a better daughter, I would figure out a way. She's in her 60s now but she's very unhealthy. I'm worried for her future. I'm worried that she's going to kill herself (not suicide) by her inability or inaction -- her diabetes, weight, drinking, overeating and her other medical conditions are going to make her very ill if she won't take care of herself properly. It makes me so sad & frustrated. And I live far away so I can't even visit regularly.Does anyone have advice on how to bring up these topics with her? She always shouts, yells, gets SOOOO mad! She's full of excuses! aaarrrggghhh.
I'd love any advice. Thanks!
JenStar
Posted by Phil on June 2, 2005, at 11:09:09
In reply to how to help my Mom help herself?, posted by JenStar on June 2, 2005, at 10:42:42
JenStar,
I'm sorry this is happening in your life and hers. Maybe some sort of intervention by siblings and friends could help.
Although unfortunately, unless someone wants to take responsibility and help themselves, others are often powerless to help. All you can do is let her know you care and you're there for her.
Most importantly, taking care of yourself is your biggest priority. That's the only thing you can control.wishing you the best..
Phil
Posted by rainbowbrite on June 2, 2005, at 11:31:44
In reply to Re: how to help my Mom help herself? » JenStar, posted by Phil on June 2, 2005, at 11:09:09
i am an expert at trying to get people to get themselves help and not getting the results I want...so I am probably the wrong person to give advice but if there is one thing I have learned...mind you it hasnt fully absorbed yet....is that we can not help another unless they want it.
and another bit of advice...you will drive yourself crazy trying to help her or make her try to see she needs help if she is not responsive. It can cause your stress level to go way over tollerable levels and make you feel awful. So you have to be careful there.Im sorry you are going through this, it is really really hard.
I like Phil's suggestion of an intervention of some kind. Another possible way which could be brought up if you do do that is to say you all will cut yourself off from her until she starts making better decisions and caring for herself.
Or you could write her a letter that explains how concerned and worried about her you are and how much you love her etc.
Take careRain
Posted by Toph on June 2, 2005, at 14:26:36
In reply to how to help my Mom help herself?, posted by JenStar on June 2, 2005, at 10:42:42
Jen, in the county in which I work, our Adult Protective Services unit receives referrals on abused, neglected and exploited elders and physically disabled adults. We also do welfare checks on competent adults who are self-neglecting as you describe your mother. We would attempt to pursuade your mother to seek medical attention, and offer or suggest community services that would improve her health, safety and quality of life. Many states or local county agencies will not take a referral for self-neglect on anyone other than incompetent, at-risk adults. For your mother, sometimes someone outside the family is needed to form a helping alliance with a resistive client. Of course, a competent adult has the right to refuse any, including beneficial, interventions. Many times there is nothing that can be done for a declining senior fighting assistance - one who fears a nursing home, death or the loss of the last thing familiar to them - their home.
Try this link below to find the local Department of Aging to call and explore what they may offer in the way of assistance for your mother. I wish her the best.
Toph
Posted by so on June 4, 2005, at 10:12:07
In reply to how to help my Mom help herself?, posted by JenStar on June 2, 2005, at 10:42:42
As an older person whose life might be extended if I accepted care for certain health conditions, I can offer that my choices are mine to make. If my children or anyone else is so concerned about loosing me they would like me to make another choice, and if I don't choose to concur with their preferences, that is not my problem. If the life I have shared with them so far is not adequate, what reason do I have to believe living longer under their conditions would satisfy them any more? It is up to them to offer me some compelling reason to subject myself to hospitals, surgery, aftercare, informed consent documents that disclose risks phsyicians failed to mention during lengthy and costly consultations, and for that matter, the pain of living a long life in an ailing body. Interventions would likely result in my calling law enforcement and seeking court protection to keep them away from me. If they refuse to visit me and respect my opinions about how I want to live my life and when and how I choose to face death, then I would need to consider whether they are really all that eager to have me alive anyway, or whether they just want me alive under their terms and their conditions.
This is the end of the thread.
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