Psycho-Babble Social Thread 622576

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN

Posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 18:30:07

HELP PLEASE .. THE VULTURES ARE CIRCLING. cf

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree

Posted by gardenergirl on March 20, 2006, at 18:44:36

In reply to HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 18:30:07

cf,
Please call 911, go to the hospital emergency room, call someone you trust or otherwise get help. Do you have a therapist or doctor you can call?

Please contact someone and then let us know you're safe, okay. It's the not the time to be alone or to try to handle this alone.

I care about you and your health and safety.

gg

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » gardenergirl

Posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 19:13:11

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on March 20, 2006, at 18:44:36

GG - Can't do that. I just took something to relax me. Just heard some 'bad news' and a bunch of stuff has been going wrong. I'm ok tonight. I can't stay online .. the people out here that are 'supposed to be helping me' are supposed to call me. I began calling them Fri and am still awaiting. If online, they'll say they tried to call and couldn't get through. Yes, I need your support. But, no hospitals. Maybe I'm being a real *ss right now, but hospitals have never done me any good; just made things worse. I just need you guys right now. Okay, can't I just have it my way once, just once, pls, I trust you all. I'll check back in an hour to two (napping). I promise. lovecf

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree

Posted by Deneb on March 20, 2006, at 19:19:42

In reply to HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 18:30:07

Hi Corafree,
Corafree,

Please don't die, we care about you here. Life can be fun, you just have to ride out the bad parts a little while longer. It will get better. No one wants you to die Corafree. Please don't hurt yourself.

What makes you want to kill yourself?

All problems have solutions. There is no need to resort to killing yourself. Get someone to help you problem solve. It will be okay.

(((((corafree)))))

Deneb*

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger*

Posted by lynn971 on March 20, 2006, at 19:50:45

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree, posted by Deneb on March 20, 2006, at 19:19:42

"This too, shall pass" Please do not do anything to harm yourself. You are an important person.

love,
Lynn

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree

Posted by SLS on March 20, 2006, at 20:32:54

In reply to HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 18:30:07

> HELP PLEASE .. THE VULTURES ARE CIRCLING. cf


It's not time for you to go yet. We all know that.

Anxiety and/or anger are often big contributors towards producing a suicidal state. What can you do to minimize them?

This is a good place to vent. What's going on with you?

Sometimes its good to journal your thoughts and feelings. Write down anything and everything that comes to mind. It's a good way to purge yourself of negative energy and process issues.

Are you at all spiritual?


- Scott

 

Stay safe please » corafree

Posted by gardenergirl on March 20, 2006, at 20:53:50

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 19:13:11

Okay, I hope you are able to relax a bit and get some relief from the painful feelings. I don't know what happened, but I do know what a toll it can take when something bad happens when your resources are already stretched thin due to other stress.

I'm glad you are going to check in, and since I have dial-up, too, I totally understand the phone dilemma.

Whatever your plan is, can you make sure at least that you don't have access to the means?

I'll look for your post. I won't be online much longer tonight, but I know that there will be folks here. I look forward to seeing your post when I check in again in the a.m.

Take care.

Sending comfort and safe hugs if you wish.

gg

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » Deneb

Posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 21:10:45

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree, posted by Deneb on March 20, 2006, at 19:19:42

It's been an hour and I'm checkin' in as promised.

>No one wants you to die Corafree. Please don't hurt yourself.

What makes you want to kill yourself?<

It's my fam' and friends ... I feel like they're 'feeding' off my grief. I'm not important enough to them to even waste their money (and they are all well-to-do) on a phone call.

My ex lives nearby and has recently said, 'I don't know why somebody doesn't just shoot you in the head'. I 'told on him'; I mean told my children. Then, they (but one daughter) turned on me. The whole abuse thing feels like it's happening again.

I hate having made this move. I should have thought about myself instead of my mother's needs.

Everyone (but my one best support; second daughter) acts as if I no longer matter, I should have gotten over it by now, and they don't even care anymore. My other daughter and my son and my ex, say, 'No one likes to be around you because you are depressing'.

Learned today my mother is selling the last of my father's things. That's a long story, but she no longer feels like a mother at all. She just buys/spends and is enjoying her life w/o him. She has never comforted me since Dad passed away. In fact, she literally (with her arms) pushed me away.

I have no one but my two IRL support persons, my youngest daughter and her husband. They are both very very busy. She has just gone back to work and I will have no one to talk w/ daytime.

The REBA out here in the 'boondocks' su*cks. They are already treating me as if I don't deserve quality care. I spent the last five years receiving the same (or better) from another county next to this one. I've only gotten worse while in these systems!

What is up w/ their excuses all the time, 'we're too busy'. Are we just supposed to accept that? I left five messages Fri and two today, all unreturned.

I just don't matter .. is the message they send.

My case manager (already met my second one after just one week) said, 'people feed off the one that grieves most when a loved one passes away, that it eases their grief', and that's exactly how it feels. My reaction to reaching out and being slapped is high, high anxiety.

A hospital will treat me like a criminal and take away my cigs, and I'll appear much, much more anxious once in that situation. Being on any kind of 'locked unit' doesn't work as 'I revolt against the idea that I must be punished for my sad feelings'.

My P was an *ss so requested a diff. and wasted my one and only 1hr appt on him. My (new) case manager seemed so eager to help me, then just cancelled a very important appt.

They staffed me w/ a young sweet girl that just sat there listening and saying over and over 'that must have hurt'. I need someone who can see past my hidden agendas (I know I must have them; I'm sorry.) So far as I've researched, they have no 'benefit specialist' or 'patient account rep' to assist you w/ different modes of financial assistance. I've lost nearly $1200 by moving here. Since the NB, my pro-active skills have diminished. Since the NB, the amount of stress I can handle has diminished.

I have wondered, was there some permanent damage done? No one has ever talked to me about it.

My fam' knows the one my Dad wished to help was me; but he didn't put it on paper. So they appear happy about that; minimize my very close relationship w/ him (except for one younger sister); like they were jealous of our kindredship and are now happy seeing me suffer.

bestgetofflineabit, promise to repost in another hour .. thanksyouall, cf

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree

Posted by Phillipa on March 20, 2006, at 22:14:34

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » Deneb, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 21:10:45

Corafree you may get angry but you have been E-mailing me but you didn't say you had a suicidal plan. I know you have plenty of valium, pain killers and I know you combine this with alchohol at times so I begging you in front of babbleland to call the emergency room ASAP. Love Phillipa

 

Please stay ..........

Posted by muffled on March 20, 2006, at 22:23:56

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree, posted by Phillipa on March 20, 2006, at 22:14:34

Please stay corafree. You matter. You are a person of value. This bad time shall pass. You'll be able to help others. Cuz you understand. Please stay.
Please.
It'd really hurt you helpers if you went.
It'd hurt so many babblers if you went.
Stay with us.
We maynot be perfect, specially me, but here we are. Helping each other , in this crazy world.
And sometimes its so damn hard.
So hard.
But theres good times too.
And beauty.
You just can't maybe see it now.
But you will.
Again.
You take care corafree.
You matter.

Muffled

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » Phillipa

Posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 23:18:08

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree, posted by Phillipa on March 20, 2006, at 22:14:34

I did email you and tell you.

I could take all four bottles of what I have, and I'd still not die! I throw it up. For some reason even tape over my mouth doesn't work!!!!!!!!!!! It won't work. I can't leave. I'm stuck here. I'm just so fed up w/ this stupid, ridiculous, cheap, phony system and all these damn drugs!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm fed up w/ the society that keeps annoying me w/ their 'don't bother me .. I might catch what you have' attitude!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I just want to die .... but I don't really want to. I want help. I don't want to go to a stupid hospital and here the same ole sh*t over and over again. I could be a better therapist than most I've met at hospitals. I could help others better than anyone has every helped me. I've gotta' get out of this stupid mess some other way.

I don't know. I'm really upset. I'm too upset to even try to do it right! So don't worry ... and I just awoke and came back to post I am fine. I don't understand what Linkadge is saying and I don't understand what to take. Maybe I shouldn't take this Abilify tonight. I didn't realize it was for bipolar and schizo. I'm not there yet .. but maybe if I take it, I will be.

I'm being hurt right now. Right now someone is doing something to hurt me. Actually, two people are. And, they just get away w/ it.

Someone .. can anyone make any sense out of anything for me? I'm scared and alone. I can't be punished for that. I won't be.

I'm so sorry. You have been 'the best' and I've just unloaded on your caring. So pls forgive me. I know you know I would you. I'll be okay tonight and post in the a.m.

cf

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » SLS

Posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 23:28:04

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by SLS on March 20, 2006, at 20:32:54

I'm too spiritual.

I think I'm being persecuted. No, I don't hear voices or see things that aren't there. I just think that's my purpose for being here. To suffer so others don't. That's the way I am treated by my family (most of them) and old friends (most of them) .. and I didn't mean to do it!!!!! And they won't even forgive me if I ask. That's persecution and that's what I think I'm living this life to do. It hasn't stopped for more than a day for a few years now. Something will happen every time I get a little happy. Today it was my mother selling the 'very last evidence that my father ever existed'. Boy I'm so happy for her. You see, I need therapy. And I've called and called and called, and I can't get it. I did get a therapist. A tiny little girl who is all of 21 and nods her head w/ everything I say and says 'that must have hurt!" Well that's not good enough. I'm in here buried much deeper than what this nice young girl can find. Someone special, someone who can see past me, that's what I need. And, I got staffed w/ a 'little sweetheart of a counselor'! I must be 'appealing' five decisions currently. And already this place out here is growing to dislike me .. they say no, but I'm not stupid. I'm a hard one, I know. But why can't I be? Why can't I be? Why do I have to settle? Because of money. Money. If anyone can make any sense out of anything I'm saying, let me know. Everything is grey to me.

iloveyouall&ipromise'nohurtthyselftonight', cf

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree

Posted by Racer on March 21, 2006, at 0:02:08

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » Phillipa, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 23:18:08

>
> I don't understand what Linkadge is saying and I don't understand what to take. Maybe I shouldn't take this Abilify tonight. I didn't realize it was for bipolar and schizo. I'm not there yet .. but maybe if I take it, I will be.
>

No, no, no, no, no -- the antipsychotics can be GREAT when the world is overwhelming you. I've never taken Abilify, but would if that's what my doctor suggested. Please don't let the name of the drug scare you away from it. And please don't think that it will make you what it's designed to treat.

Listen, I've been in a very similar situation to what you're describing. I was treated through the County, and you know what? It totally was like a Hoover vacuum... No question. And the T I was assigned there was appalling. It's not a nice situation to be in, and I can see how having to deal with that sort of a system can certainly add to your sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

But you know what?

I'm still here. And I'm doing a whole lot better. You, too, can survive sub-optimal treatment. You, too, can rise above the quality of treatment you're receiving.

The very first thing I did, which might be possible for you, too, was to search out another option for therapy. In our area, there are a couple of non-profit agencies that provide counseling services. Guess what? My share of cost for counseling through the Agency From [hot climate] was HIGHER than my fee at the local non-profit counseling agency. Was the counseling great? Not great, but certainly better. Once I started seeing a counselor there, things started to turn around for me. If you ask, someone here would probably offer to help you research your own area, to see if something similar is available to you.

Grief counseling would help, too, it sounds like.

I'm so sorry about your family issues. Especially your ex saying such a thing. That is absolutely unacceptable behavior on his part. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.

Here's a reason to stick around a bit longer: you've got to get better DESPITE that County Care, and let the rest of the world know how utterly impossible they are.

I wish you well.

 

Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN

Posted by corafree on March 21, 2006, at 0:20:06

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN *trigger* » corafree, posted by Racer on March 21, 2006, at 0:02:08

Racer: Tks. So maybe this Abilify might help me right now. And yeah, I think it's prob' best I stick around and let the rest of the world know how utterly impossible they are! And I didn't think I could go outside the system for counseling. I thought I had to stay within it, where my P was. If they can't accomodate me w/ someone skilled enough to know when I am not being truthful w/ myself or even selling myself short (which I think I do a lot), maybe I can find someone outside the 'county'.

I've been talking w/ them all eve'.

The office where my caseworker is, will probably call me tomorrow, as they've heard from the NursesLine, which I've been talking to today, and from the county next door's benefit specialist, re: my lack of good treatment and return phone calls.

I have the NursesLine number programmed in my phone by my bed.

Thank you, all of you guys so much. You know I don't know if you'd like me if you met me, but I'd like to think so. It seems a lot easier to have friends online, for me right now anyway.

Bob, I'm sorry if I threw too much of a scare into you here.

I promise to post in the morning, but could be near noon your time.

Again, I don't know how you all got to my post ... that's a miracle right there ... but you seemed to all come from different corners and meet here, and I'm so glad you did.

God bless you all and I'll check back in a.m.

Tks so much for caring and helping me, lovecf

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree

Posted by Phillipa on March 21, 2006, at 0:43:40

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 19:13:11

Corafree there's an answere to every problem we just have to look for them. Sometimes it's hard to see beyond the now. But tomorrow will be a better day. I just know it will and the answer maybe there. And the new meds may help. Love Jan

 

Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree

Posted by corafree on March 21, 2006, at 8:36:14

In reply to Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN, posted by corafree on March 21, 2006, at 0:20:06

Well, it's another morning. I'm going to take it slow today. I awakened feeling achy and sore. My fingers are swollen. The Abilify does this??? Maybe you get used to it??? I hope.

I feel bad about my 'not well thought out' attempt to reach out and be heard. I think you all prob' know that's what I needed.

I'll try do my best today. Tks again all.

lovecf

 

No » corafree

Posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2006, at 12:19:46

In reply to Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by corafree on March 21, 2006, at 8:36:14

Okay, here's a thought, cf.
I'm thinking, and feeling more than thinking this, really, it's like a little voice telling me to tell you this ..
that people who are brave enough to feel their sadness, and the sadness and grief of others,
and express it,
and be rejected for that, because grief makes us ugly, cf,
don't you see how it makes us needy, we smoke, we drink, we do drugs, we go "crazy" ...
but we have the courage to feel what they don't,
and in feeling that, we have to know our purpose ...
we are full of love, cf, enough to be rejected and say "I understand" because this grief isn't easy for me to bear,
so I can understand how you wouldn't want any part of it,
but someone HAS to bear it for you,
because you can't do it .. you're too weak ...
your mother, your siblings, your family and those friends who've rejected you, and spoken and felt ill of you ...
they're rejecting what they can't handle in themselves,
and you've taken it all on FOR them,
so if you go, they'd have no one, they'd need another angel.

 

Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree

Posted by gardenergirl on March 21, 2006, at 13:23:47

In reply to Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by corafree on March 21, 2006, at 8:36:14

It's good to hear from you. I'm sorry you're not feeling good physically either. I don't know much about Abilify, so I don't know if it's related or not. I hope the symptoms go away, though.

And please don't feel bad for reaching out. That's a scary thing to do when those close to you, who are supposed to care for you and want the best for you reject your reaching out. That makes it so much harder to trust that anyone else would be there. But you know what? It's your family and those friends who are not there for you who are missing out.

We here at Babble are the lucky ones. We are blessed with your presence. And we're here for you. I'm so glad you reached out to us. It always warms my heart to see the community gather round someone in need.

Take care and talk to you soon,

gg

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree

Posted by SLS on March 21, 2006, at 15:25:10

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » SLS, posted by corafree on March 20, 2006, at 23:28:04

Do you feel guilty?

Guilt is a feeling that is often a symptom of depression. It sounds like there might be more going on here, though. It is good that you are receptive to psychotherapy. You know all of that already. I hope you end up with a good therapist very soon. Keep fighting. You're a survivor - that's obvious.

It's good that you reached out for help rather than isolate and risk performing impulsive acts. Continue to interact here. This is a very safe place to be.


- Scott


 

((((((((((GGALL)))))))))) » gardenergirl

Posted by corafree on March 21, 2006, at 21:31:48

In reply to Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on March 21, 2006, at 13:23:47

I'm gonna cry .. a good cry!

It did feel like you all just zoomed in from different corners of the earth!

How did you all find me?? (Is there some networking going on behind the scenes here? Hmmm.)

:) cf

Yes I do feel physically horrible, but I feel mentally 'happy' thanks to all your reminders and blk&white truths that had all just turned to gray. I did sort of run to the computer.

I apologize for my language. Think I left a letter in where there should have been a *. Or maybe that was the least of your concerns Dr. Bob?

cc: of post replying to Racer

All ..

I'm having bad side effects w/ this 5mg Abilify. I ache all over and have a fever. My eyes are burning and sore. My hands are so swollen that I'm fearing I'll need to cut a ring off one finger.

I don't feel stoned, no involuntary movements, no hangover, or anything really 'off the wall'.

Just feel like have a really bad case of the flu and want to just lie down and close my eyes.

I had this same 'eye thing' when I tried Trileptal. I noticed a bit of a headache midday today. I had HAs all the time when tried Lamictal. Seroquel left me 'way hung over'. I believe these are all in class w/ Abilify. Nurse from the nurse's line mentioned Geodon(sp?) was in the class. I've a couple friends that did not do well at all on that.

Anyway, this nurse's line (the best thing I've found out here) is 24-hrs and I'm to call if develop hives, rapid heart beat, higher fever, or increased anxiety.

Called for my P and gave info, and another P apparently said to take half of the 5mg until mid April when I see my P again. Ps weren't concerned at all about these side effects??!!

I took it at hour of sleep and I awoke around 5a! I don't need to wake that early! I have a hard time becoming comfortable (back injury) and falling asleep; usually don't until 12a or so. I should sleep until at least 8a.

Maybe I should take the half now, or maybe I won't take it at all.

I have an appt across the metro tomorrow and need to feel well enough to get there!

Now I remember how difficult it was to try different meds while I was still working.

All of you that I am so thankful for, pls forgive me if I don't reply to messages this eve'. Feel awful 'funky'.

Because of you all, I am 'thinking there is hope' tonight, even tho' I feel like 'poop'. (Did I really say poop?)

Tks you all.

I may have been somewhat out of line last eve. I know I cursed and tried to use a * for a letter and was typing so fast that I did spell out the entire word.

I guess I have to say I'm thankful that the 'computer age' is here; an odd thing to say for an ole' hippie like me! (No, I'm not old(?), and don't have long grey hair and a 'cool' cane!)

lovecf

 

Re: ((((((((((GGALL)))))))))) » corafree

Posted by gardenergirl on March 22, 2006, at 9:43:38

In reply to ((((((((((GGALL)))))))))) » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on March 21, 2006, at 21:31:48

> I'm gonna cry .. a good cry!

Sometimes that's a very healing thing.

> Yes I do feel physically horrible, but I feel mentally 'happy' thanks to all your reminders and blk&white truths that had all just turned to gray. I did sort of run to the computer.

I'm glad you're feeling mentally happy, and I hope the physical symptoms remit. And I understand the running to the computer. There have been times I've been very upset, either with my husband or about something I just knew he wouldn't get. I always know my Babble friends will understand and will support me and help me. I remember the first time that really mattered, and it was such a warm and tender feeling. Since I'm a cryer, it of course brought tears to my eyes. :) I'm glad you found comfort and support here, too.

> I apologize for my language. Think I left a letter in where there should have been a *. Or maybe that was the least of your concerns Dr. Bob?

It looks like the automatic asterisking system took care of it. No worries.
>
((((((((((corafree))))))))

Take care,

gg

 

Re: No » Susan47

Posted by corafree on March 24, 2006, at 1:59:41

In reply to No » corafree, posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2006, at 12:19:46

Susan47:

I can't believe that you 'get me and my life' so well. I must have really spilled my guts. I ran to this computer and just layed it all out on all of you.

You're right .. in my fam', I've always gone to the extreme joy or to the gut-wrenching sadness for my fam' to 'get a clue' about what is happening, and it's no deliberate display .. it's innate in me. I've expressed they're desires because they didn't want to be held responsible for rocking the boat. Oh yes, it is soooo hard to 'hold it all' that sometimes I just collapse, as I did.

I think my father knew this to be true about me, and that was why he loved me so much. He and I were the 'free spirits', almost kindred spirits, but, but, I put myself out there, when even he didn't. Maybe he saw this the way you do. Maybe that's why he loved me and why I miss his love so much.

Another online friend recommended I read the book called 'The Family' (Searched and found one by Mario Puzo .. not sure if that is it or not. Apparently it's about the different roles the members of a fam' play.)

When you said,

> we are full of love, cf, enough to be rejected and say "I understand" because this grief isn't easy for me to bear, so I can understand how you wouldn't want any part of it, as they didn't.<

You may give me a little too much credit.

Sometimes I've lost my temper and said, "Why won't anyone validate this grief .. I'm grieving too long? ... But I didn't see you grieve at all! ... Where is your sadness? ... What are you so scared of? Do you even know? Do you think you will die if you feel?" My mother has very many times told me, "Don't cry." I think she really believes that crying will harm me.

It's funny (not), when I display no feelings (hold them in somehow? put tape over my mouth? just promise myself not to speak for 10min! or exhaust myself to sleep!) they're sort of lost!

I'm always saying, "I'm sorry for crying or I'm sorry for needing you or just sorry, sorry, sorry."

Then I (yes), and they (of course) feel I've done something wrong, so the whole thing shifts to being about me having a mental illness.

You've lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders tonight and it sure feels good. I don't want to be perfect like them .. it wouldn't be real.

Lately I have felt 'persecution'; like I must pay for something that is wrong, but I can't figure out what it is I've done. It is horrible thinking that fam' or friends (ex) (Oh, but I would welcome them back.) enjoy seeing me in pain. And, I've thought kind of what you just said here so well. And, I've also wondered if that is why God put me here. This is near 'supernatural'.

Yesterday all I could think about was how everyone here had come to my aid. See, I feel bad about that. It's just become a habit.

It is very sad that good people cannot see how much they are 'breaking' another's heart.

Yes they do think I'm weak and crazy and prob' lazy because now I'm not working. I think I'll step back for a few days now and give myself a break.

Again, yesterday, I was awaiting phone calls, trying to talk w/ P .. w/ case manager .. asking for a T closer to my age, and taking care of some other responsibilities, and apologize for not getting online (Did I at all? It's late. Back hurts. Trying to make sense.).

I think I posted that I was ok. I should have responded then to followups. Do I have to say, "I'm sorry?" (I'm hearing, "NO YOU DON'T!")

Your post was like a poem .. I'm printing it and keeping it in my nightstand drawer. You validated me; something my fam' and some others will not do.

I hope my new T will help me to see that these things about me are good. If not, I'll just have to read your post everyday!

Thank you, isn't enough.

lovecf

 

Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN » gardenergirl

Posted by corafree on March 24, 2006, at 2:49:33

In reply to Re: HAD, I HAD, A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on March 21, 2006, at 13:23:47

GG:

And, YOU were 'Johnny on the Spot!'

I'm glad babble fixed my *.

<They're missing out.>

Thank you so much. That message makes me realize that I need to believe and use this knowledge to heal.

lovecf

 

Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » SLS

Posted by corafree on March 24, 2006, at 4:15:07

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by SLS on March 21, 2006, at 15:25:10

Scott:

> Do you feel guilty?

I feel guilty for any pain I cause others, or time/attn I take from others.

My physical injuries limit my ability to do a lot of things for myself and don't like asking for help. I used to run. I have breakthrough back pain 2-3x a mo. and cannot afford surgery. I know I've disappointed my mother. I feel she had this 'big dream' for me .. I should have been so outstanding!? She has never once shown any acknowledgement of my having a mental problem. I will prob' live out my life alone now; five long-term relationships .. people say I expect too much. My life has been a bridge for others to get from where they were to where they are now.

I don't want to hurt those that love me and need me (three children). Even tho' two of them don't often visit .. I think I'm in their back pockets. My nonsupportive daughter runs into trouble around every corner; wouldn't want to set a precedent.

Been seeking relief for so long. I had intended to be a wise, warm, wonderful grandmother. There's that saying, lie in the bed you made; but it doesn't feel like 'I made life'. It feels like my life made me!

I've always believed hell does not exist, and I have a lot of difficulty seeing evil/bad in other people.

I pray for relief from physical and emotional pain. I don't trust anymore; used to w/o batting an eye. The world saddens me now. So many people seem to be 'playing a game'. An outstanding man was left to pass away in a small grey hospital room. This isn't right.

Shall I stay and grow old and more ill? How will I pay my way if I intend to not seek a partner? I'm at an all-time low when it comes to 'hope' and an all-time high when it comes to sadness.

Scott, I don't know what I did wrong. I would have to have done something wrong to feel guilty. Significant people in my life have made it clear that I have not 'made a life'.

I've sincerely apologized to people in my life whom I may have hurt.

> Guilt is a feeling that is often a symptom of depression. It sounds like there might be more going on here, though. It is good that you are receptive to psychotherapy. <

Because I've always felt there was something more going on w/ me, I'd asked for 'that kind of therapy where you go back to your first bad experience' (Don't know what it is called.), but am not going to receive that through county, unless we do a timeline re: grief. I grieve a lot and not just re: death.

> You're a survivor - that's obvious. <

Yeah, I usually 'keep coming back', but I think losing my father is making this 'comeback' tremendously difficulty.

There's something I learned about myself in the last year. Most folks think astrology is bad. I don't. I went to an astrologist in Sedona and had my chart done. She said, "You have a chart that is similar to what we believe Jesus Christ's chart would have looked like." I mentioned this to a different astrologist where I live and he asked me for my info and to do a chart. He said, "I see what she's talking about." He didn't elaborate. My rising and sun signs are head and heart. Five, at least, and maybe six, of my planets are fire signs.

> It's good that you reached out for help rather than isolate and risk performing impulsive acts.<

Do you think I'm just seeking attn and, if so, why would I do that? Maybe it's because I'm scared? I think, 'I really want to live!' I think something good 'might' be coming my way (I guess there's a tiny bit of hope). Probability not good based on last 30yrs tho'. I don't think I could handle just withering away.

U didn't really ask for all this?! Whoops .. I better get some sleep. I'm sorry.

Tks for zooming in from afar when I needed you.

cf

 

Re: HAVE NO PLAN » corafree

Posted by corafree on March 25, 2006, at 1:02:16

In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » SLS, posted by corafree on March 24, 2006, at 4:15:07

Scott:

You were the last to post on my thread and I'm following another thread you are posting on that's very interesting.

When at first you asked if I felt guilty, I thought 'duh ? of course !', but then I realized you were really serious. Hope didn't dodge the question or confuse.

I went thru DBT until we came to Interpersonal Relationships, which I began to sorely dreaded, and fortunately, the group broke up at that very same time. So much for DBT. I'll have to say I did learn some good skills for handling stress. I was instructed to actually call my T and have her 'talk me down' if I was feeling suicidal.

I've had grief counseling after Dad passed away. About 4th-5th session, to my surprise, we were going to do a timeline; beginning w/ the first time we felt 'any sort of grief'. I never went back or completed all the sessions. I should have and prob' still can. The T was a marvelous counselor and would take time for everyone one-on-one.

Do you think CBT would work well for someone w/ terrible back pain, excruciating migraine like headaches, and memory difficulties? You need those faculties to be pretty sharp, for CBT to work, right?

I'm going to talk w/ my new T (when meet her) re: revisiting my past and possibly doing a timeline. I'm not sure I'm well enough or strong enough or aware enough to gain much from the 'thought therapy' common today.

I do take total responsibility for my decisions, so don't ever feel anything you may suggest would come back at ya'. In reading your posts, I can tell you look at things from all angles and that's doesn't come easy to me.

Anyway, if you have time, maybe you could babble me. Or can you not babble if you're not a babbler?

I just opened the 'rat study' page and it's scary; don't have to wonder, think many lives have been hurt. I hope science is moving forward, fast.

If a drug might develop into a full blown illness/disease, because it is given to a person predisposed to develop that particular illness/disease, how can that be good?

I ask because I think it's likely a psychiatric med I've taken in my life has changed me in some way forever. Which one, or two, and how, I can only hope my children will know some day.

Maybe I should try and stay off another AD; just take my trazodone for sleep. My T would have to be 'a darn good one'.

bestwishes,cf


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