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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on March 21, 2006, at 23:20:29
Today has been ok and I've been busy, but I'm in a deep, dark funk. I even know why; but, understanding doesn't really seem to help much.
One thing is that I'm going with my best friend and her kids (3 and 5) to Sea World this weekend. I love being with my friend and her children are adorable and entertaining, but it just hurts so much to be with them. She is such a good mother and I absolutely ache that I didn't have what she gives her children emotionally. Her oldest is about the age I was when the sa started and that hurts too - he's so little and vulnerable and innocent.
The other thing is something I've written about relatively recently on the psychology board - the woman who was my teacher 20 years ago and is sort of becoming a friend. I told her about the sa - even showed her some of the things I've written, which is something I've never done before - and she was wonderful about it. Said I was like the daughter she never had and that she wanted us to see each other every week. She said I had a "forever friend" and that nothing I could say would ever cause her to run away. So I trusted a little more and told her I SI sometimes and that was like hitting a brick wall. At that point she said that "for now" she'd be around as much as I wanted her to be; but, if she saw she wasn't helping or was making things worse, she would back away because she couldn't sit around and watch me self destruct. That really hurt. I thought I was doing a good thing by bringing it out into the open. Up until that point, I'd only told a very good babble friend about it.
So, I didn't see her or talk to her last week and this week isn't looking great either. I know part of the uncertainty about this week is because something is going on with her son and she may need to leave town to check on him. Of course, that's how things should be; but I still want to throw a little girl tantrum over it. And I guess it hurts because I don't really feel like there's anyone in my life who would drop everything and come to me if I needed them.
To make matters worse, I just had an awful fight with my husband. I had to come back to writing my post. It's been over an hour since I started writing it. I think I've been locked out of the bedroom (and people wonder why I don't want to have children - I'm MARRIED to one, for goodness sakes). Actually THIS is one of the times I wish someone would drop things for me. I'd at least like to call someone for comfort. But it's late and everyone has work tomorrow.
Posted by special_k on March 22, 2006, at 0:01:49
In reply to Sad, sad, sad, posted by jammerlich on March 21, 2006, at 23:20:29
Hey. ((((Jammerlich)))) I'm sorry you aren't feeling so good :-( Sometimes talking about things can help a bit...
It hurts me to see little kids too... Toddlers especially break my heart. Because I think they don't know what hurt is yet... And one day they will. And kids around 5 or 7 'cause thats about how old I was... I understand that kind of pain. To see little kids. And feel sad that my childhood wasn't better. And to worry for them. They are kind of triggering, eh?
That is really nice how you have developed a friendship with your old teacher :-) And that you could talk to her about the SA. I think it is important to talk to people about stuff like that.
The sad truth is that... People can vary with how much of that kind of stuff they can handle. It isn't about you that you did anything wrong or anything like that... But everyone has their own issues. Some people can't hear about it... Because it is too triggering for them (if they have been there) or just because... they don't know how to handle it. they just can't quite cope with it. they don't know what to do...
With the SI... It sounds like that might be what is going on for her then. Maybe... She knew someone who used to do that who went on to suicide. And so now... She is afraid of getting too close to someone who is at risk because she can't bear to go through that again. Does that make sense? That she might not be able to deal with it precisely BECAUSE she cares about you so much?
It can be hard...
Sometimes... There are different things that you are best to talk to different people about. It is very rare (in fact probably impossible to sustain long term) to come across a person who you can share *everything* with. Because... Everyone has their own stuff going on... And sometimes there can be some kind of conflict... And it can be hard. Sounds to me like... You might want to talk about SI with other people who are able to deal with that. Who aren't afraid of that. And with her... Just enjoy the connection you do have. And talk about the things that are helpful. Sounds like she has been a terrific help to you around the SA stuff.
> So, I didn't see her or talk to her last week and this week isn't looking great either.
Maybe when you do meet up again you could try and talk about this just enough to sort it out a bit? It might be that... She isn't an appropriate person to call in an emergency (in the SI sense). It may be that... She isn't an appropriate person to call if you are in the ER. It might be that... You can enjoy the time you do have together. That you can get some healing and feel less shame around the SA. Every relationship (that is going to last) has to have boundaries... But they can be hard. It sounds to me from what you have said that she may have been really very close to someone who she had to pull back from because she saw them just getting worse... And that was too much for her... That isn't a comment on the other person any more than that is a comment on her limitation.
It can be hard...
> I know part of the uncertainty about this week is because something is going on with her son and she may need to leave town to check on him. Of course, that's how things should be; but I still want to throw a little girl tantrum over it.
Sure. And that is okay. I often get upset about things I rationally know I *shouldn't* feel upset about. I think that just means that you can understand their needs from their perspective... But that doesn't do anything to change your needs from yours. (((((j))))) people do piss off at the most inconvenient of times sometimes :-(
> And I guess it hurts because I don't really feel like there's anyone in my life who would drop everything and come to me if I needed them.
yeah. hurts me too... nobody did that fo rme as a kid :-( and i don't know if i'll ever stop hurting over that :-(
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 22, 2006, at 7:27:14
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad » jammerlich, posted by special_k on March 22, 2006, at 0:01:49
it is okay to be sad sad sad..
loving people can get lost behind the hurt.
talk to your husband ..ask for what you need.
dr phill..(can i put that as a joke?)
so many rules..
jyl
Posted by Phillipa on March 23, 2006, at 17:48:09
In reply to Re: Sad, sad, sad, posted by justyourlaugh on March 22, 2006, at 7:27:14
I'm sorry you're hurting and it is a loaded topic. And Spcial K mad have hit the nail on the head. Love Phillipa
Posted by Damos on March 23, 2006, at 19:05:03
In reply to Sad, sad, sad, posted by jammerlich on March 21, 2006, at 23:20:29
This is the end of the thread.
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