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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jammerlich on October 26, 2006, at 13:33:26
I am tired of feeling 5 years old all the time.
I am tired of wanting what I cannot have.
I am tired of the constant ache that comes from not having a good mother.
I am tired of trying to make the mother I have feel loved.
I am tired of not having a sanctuary.
I am tired of being seen as the helper.
I am tired of holding it all together.
I am tired of feeling: scared, alone, vulnerable, invisible, lost....
I am tired of thinking about ways to kill myself.
I am tired of not having the energy/courage to go through with it.
I am tired of being nice.
I am tired of saying what people what people want to hear.
I am tired of myself.I am so very, very tired.
I took a lot of something to help me sleep. Enough to hurt my? I doubt it. Enough to make me sleep until tomorrow? Hopefully.
Posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 20:11:38
In reply to I am tired, posted by jammerlich on October 26, 2006, at 13:33:26
Are you saying you took a maybe overdose? I can understand the tiredness you feel but others feel the same way. Can you call a crisis line or your pdoc if you have one? Love Phillipa
Posted by jammerlich on October 26, 2006, at 20:21:20
In reply to Re: I am tired » jammerlich, posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 20:11:38
No, Phillipa, that's not what I'm saying. Sorry it came across that way. I'm fine.
Thanks for responding, though. I was starting to think no one saw my little post. Doesn't help so much with those invisibility feelings. Thank you for seeing me.
Posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 22:16:54
In reply to Re: I am tired » Phillipa, posted by jammerlich on October 26, 2006, at 20:21:20
Just glad to know you're okay. Now what were you expressing sadness and lonliness. I'm losing my touch for picking up on other's feelings I guess. Love Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 27, 2006, at 10:23:26
In reply to Re: I am tired » jammerlich, posted by Phillipa on October 26, 2006, at 22:16:54
Hi Jammer,
you're going through some rough stuff right now. It's okay to take it easy for a little while. Please take care of yourself- you're important, and it's okay to feel tired every once in a while. I hope you feel better after some rest?-Li
Posted by jammerlich on October 27, 2006, at 12:53:28
In reply to Re: I am tired, posted by Lindenblüte on October 27, 2006, at 10:23:26
Thanks, Li. It seems like, no matter how much I sleep, I just don't feel rested. And I'm just so lethargic. A three-toed sloth would be too lively a companion for me right now.
I had an "emergency" T appt this morning about some of this stuff - the "crummy mother" hole and wanting what I cannot have - and it helped a little. At least I got to talk about it with someone in real life. I cried wet spots on my shirt. That's a new thing for me. Tears don't usually get that far in front of other people. I would have liked for her to hug me today. She did pat my back as we were walking into her office, so I guess that's something. CRAP!!! I do not want to want or enjoy those things from her.
Posted by LJRen on October 28, 2006, at 0:41:50
In reply to I am tired, posted by jammerlich on October 26, 2006, at 13:33:26
> I am tired of feeling 5 years old all the time.
> I am tired of wanting what I cannot have.
> I am tired of the constant ache that comes from not having a good mother.
> I am tired of trying to make the mother I have feel loved.
> I am tired of not having a sanctuary.
> I am tired of being seen as the helper.
> I am tired of holding it all together.
> I am tired of feeling: scared, alone, vulnerable, invisible, lost....
> I am tired of thinking about ways to kill myself.
> I am tired of not having the energy/courage to go through with it.
> I am tired of being nice.
> I am tired of saying what people what people want to hear.
> I am tired of myself.
>
> I am so very, very tired.
>
OH MY GOD!!! DITTO!!!!! Somebody has written down the words that have played in my head like a broken record.To sleep is to escape. Sleep is my/our salvation.
Thank you,
Ren
Posted by LJRen on October 28, 2006, at 1:07:36
In reply to Re: I am tired » Lindenblüte, posted by jammerlich on October 27, 2006, at 12:53:28
> Thanks, Li. It seems like, no matter how much I sleep, I just don't feel rested. And I'm just so lethargic.
Again, I'm right there w/ ya baby. My mom is always on me to get out of the house to meet new people, try new things... if she felt like I did, she'd understand it takes an act of God just to get out of bed everyday and into work.
> I had an "emergency" T appt this morning about some of this stuff - the "crummy mother" hole and wanting what I cannot have
Do you mind me asking... what is the "crummy mother" hole?
And the wanting what you cannot have thing I'm an expert at as well. It's always love isn't it. You want love, affection from parents, friends, men/women partners, but you never really get it.>I cried wet spots on my shirt. That's a new thing for me. Tears don't usually get that far in front of other people.
Was the same way w/ my last therapist. Could never let that wall totally down in front of her. Don't know why.
>I would have liked for her to hug me today. She did pat my back as we were walking into her office, so I guess that's something. CRAP!!! I do not want to want or enjoy those things from her.
Ya know, there's nothing wrong w/ wanting hugs. There is something very powerful about the human touch. I know I personally crave hugs myself but rarely have anyone around to receive them from. I doubt there's any scientific proof of it but I'm a firm believer that there is a transference of energy from one person to another during physical contact whether from a hug or something else. Therefore, it is completely understandable that people such as ourselves who feel so worn out would yearn for hugs from those we are comfortable with. So, try not to beat yourself up so much for wanting something like that. Besides, wanting a hug from your therapist doesn't seem all that inappropriate. Then again, there may be more to that situation that I'm not aware of.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you struck a chord w/ me tonight. Perhaps there's a possibility we can help each other out.
Take care,
Ren
Posted by jammerlich on October 28, 2006, at 19:19:57
In reply to Re: I am tired » jammerlich, posted by LJRen on October 28, 2006, at 1:07:36
Sorry you're so able to identify with these feelings. It sucks, doesn't it?
The "crummy mother" hole is what I've been calling the big emptiness and pain I feel inside because I didn't have a very good mother. I sort of feel like I'm the little bird (wasn't it a bird??) in the Dr. Suess book that went around asking everything and everyone, "Are you my mother?" Only, I'm asking, "Will you BE my mother?"
I never really thought about it in those terms, but I think you're dead on about there being a transference of energy when people hug each other. I have a special friend who makes me feel lighter than air when she hugs me. On the other hand, I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me when my mother hugs me. I hope I'm not sucking all my friend's energy away when she hugs me. Maybe I shouldn't hug her quite so much, just in case.
Posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2006, at 19:20:04
In reply to Re: I am tired » jammerlich, posted by LJRen on October 28, 2006, at 1:07:36
Hugs are theraputic. If you attend an AA meeting, or NA , or any of the others. The members usually hug one another. And babies being massaged and held they grow and gain weight faster. And a massage will help your mind too. A hug will take a person who is afraid and give them hope and courage. The physical touch is important to all. One of the things I always did was ask first if it was okay with the patient. If it was I sat on the side of their bed and put their arm on a towel on my leg when starting an IV. They immediately relaxed and a bond was formed. Touch is so important. And angry person will melt with a hug. Love Phillipa
Posted by LJRen on October 28, 2006, at 23:33:26
In reply to Re: I am tired » LJRen, posted by jammerlich on October 28, 2006, at 19:19:57
> Sorry you're so able to identify with these feelings. It sucks, doesn't it?
Yes, it does suck. Sometimes it hurts so much it feels like my heart will implode in on itself.
> The "crummy mother" hole is what I've been calling the big emptiness and pain I feel inside because I didn't have a very good mother.
Ah, another name for that feeling.
After my near fatal car accident at 17, my mother finally realized she had been treating her only child like sh*t. Now 19 years later, we have a close relationship but she will never have a nuturing, tender heart. Still today she continues to blame me everytime I feel bad. Everything bad that happens to me is always somehow my fault.>I sort of feel like I'm the little bird (wasn't it a bird??) in the Dr. Suess book that went around asking everything and everyone, "Are you my mother?" Only, I'm asking, "Will you BE my mother?"
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I feel sorta pathetic. Here I am a grown adult wanting a loving mommy. Talk about wanting what you can't have.
>I hope I'm not sucking all my friend's energy away when she hugs me. Maybe I shouldn't hug her quite so much, just in case.
I often feel guilty about even turning to my friends for emotional support b/c I feel I am inflicting myself on them. I know I'm not fun to be around very often, and I don't want to be responsible for bringing others down with me.
Man, what a miserable trap we're in.
Ren
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