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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by capricorn on November 22, 2006, at 8:21:02
Saw care co-ordinator today. she broached the subject of my possibly doing some voluntary work.The thought scares me. I'm terrified of getting things wrong and having to interact with people . I wanted to say 'no!' and to be fair she said i wasn't being pushed into it but i felt i had to agree to see the person who sorts out that kind of thing
because if i don't i'll be letting people down.
Also everyone will think i'm just lazy but i'm not.I am quite willing to do things if there is not too much pressure and having to deal with people. Within my own little safety zone i'm ok ie family/other people at day centre but people i don't know thought of working with them frightens me.
It's different trying to help people online no pressure no thinking am i going to f***up will i get in trouble for f***ing up.It's so hard to say no sometimes for fear of disappointing and letting people down .
I can still remember all those years ago in the spring holidays of 1975 and it was time to go back to school for A level term .I had overdosed end of the previous term 100 aspirin just couldn't face going back it was on the tip of my tongue to scream 'no!
but all i could meekly say was 'yes' because my father expected it of me . I was totally
struggling to function but i said 'yes'. Stumbled through a week of not being able to think just wanting to sleep not coping with the studying just wanting to curl up in a ball and shut the world out and i ended up first in the school sanitorium then my first
in patient admission.I go and see my mum every monday to try and give Nick my brother a break. Some Mondays i just don't want to because i feel so sh*t but i do because he's there dealing with most of it himself and if i didn't turn up i would feel guilty for not doing my bit.
On those days i plaster on the smile pretend everything's ok. 'How are you doing?'
'I'm doing ok'('actually i'm not but how can i say i'm feeling crap. That i had to struggle to make myself get dressed and go out. That my place looks like a bomb's hit it. That
it's all feels so pointless. That if i didn't have the cat to think about i 'd be quite content to stay in my pyjamas all day and not go out of the flat at all)
Then when it all gets too much emotionally i'll end up losing the plot unable to think straight/irrational/ paranoid as can be/angry to the point that it mentally and physically sucks the energy out of me/wishing i was dead or in a coma.
Posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2006, at 11:58:42
In reply to Scared - repost, posted by capricorn on November 22, 2006, at 8:21:02
Capricorn I feel the same way. People are pressuring me all the time to volunteer and I can't help myself how can I help anyone else? I can't find a med that helps. Then maybe I could go. Is there an answer? Love Phillipa
Posted by capricorn on November 22, 2006, at 14:51:28
In reply to Re: Scared - repost » capricorn, posted by Phillipa on November 22, 2006, at 11:58:42
Over here the government is big on pushing work as b all and end all of everything and making out the mentally ill are unworthy/lesser citizens if they do not. A lot of the movers and shakers in the mh field
have fallen head long for this right wing propganda.
One way is to gradually ease you in through voluntary work.
I think paid/voluntary work is great for those who feel able to and want to do it. However many of those experience problems because of fluctuating symptoms that affect their ability to work consitently and the problems that arise because of bumpy transitions between being in work and being on benefit.Also firms are not always accomodating to say the very list.What gets me is that now at nearly 50 they are thinking about that i should do voluntary work because they say i'm intelligent and yet from 18-48 there was f*** all support and understanding
just so called mh professionals treating me like i was awkward and demanding for asking for more/more appropriate help.
Now thanks to the previous pdoc i had it's been accepted that my treatment was a four letter beginning with S and ending with T and whereas they were prone to being curt and abusive they are now willing to be more caring.However actual practical help within that framework of behaving towards me in a more caring and less abusive way? Simple answer-N0!
I'm still wrestling with issues some of which stretch back to when i was a slightly spotty teenager and before.
Not once have i ever got any decent help for those problems.They want me to do voluntary work on their part because it fits in with governments social policy
and therefore their's.
I would haved loved to have been helped enough with the problems that impinge on my ability to work to be able to do so but it's never happened.It's not the lack of intelligence or good intelligence that hampers me but the social phobia/the general anxiety/the irrationality and paranoia and difficulting coping that happens when faced with emotionally stressful and threatening situations.
Get me on a good day 'you might think fairly average looking,overweight,articulate and intelligent but somewhat shy and awkward.
Don't think he's got any problems.'Get me on a day when i've just been emotionally stressed and worked up and words are spewing scrraming level angrily and irrationally and paranoiacally out of my mouth then you would see little of the articulate,intelligent person described above.
If i feel threatened,stressed or invalidated or sometimes frustrated (over something relatively minor to most other people)it's all too easy for me to get this way.
I am aware that if i agree and can't cope with the stress i will end up losing it. I am also aware
that if i do- compassion and support will be far out weighed by condemnation.I learnt that unwelcome lesson years ago during the second week of my first ever admission.
After a week of settling into the admission ward they told me i was to be send to OT to help make dolls houses.On being told this i went into a state of intense panic as i have always had major problems with things requiring manual dexterity and visuospatial skill eg carpentry/metal work/drawing/constructing things etc and on top of that i couldn't do the things i was usually good at because i felt so crap.
I was dragged from in front of the hospital bus and frog marched to see what looked like an eldely pdoc(might only have been 50 or so but 40 looks old when you are 18) with this disapproving look on his face. There were no questions as to why or any attempts to understand just being told
scathingly 'You're an awkward and troublesome teenager'.Although they are now after much overdue time better with me, the scars and the fears run deep on my part.
For every part hurt from past abuses there is fear of further rejection.
My care co ordinator says 'phone me if you need to ' and i think she means it'.However there is always the fear of being trivialised and invalidated and therein rejected and also years of shattered self esteem that holds me back because 'it's just me being silly' and that's not a reason to phone.
Posted by ClearSkies on November 22, 2006, at 15:15:14
In reply to Re: Scared - repost, posted by capricorn on November 22, 2006, at 14:51:28
Capricorn - thank you for reposting. I have not worked for a year and a half and it preys upon my mind that I ought to be doing something. Volunteering is suggested invariably as a way to get myself out and with others.
I had such an upsetting experience when I volunteered to help locally with post-Katrina evacuees. A housing charity was matching people with suitable places, and I was asked to answer the telephones, and route incoming calls to the right people in the agency. I thought, "I can do this" - no face to face's required. After 5 minutes on the job I was being asked to screen applicants for financial credit. Not only am I not qualified to do it, but I was aghast at being baited with one volunteer position and swapped for another.
I left the offices in tears, angry and upset with myself for not being able to help even in a limited capacity.
I would say now that I am wary of being given opportunities like this. It's as important to match our qualifications for unpaid positions as it is for paying jobs.
take care
ClearSkies
Posted by Gee on November 22, 2006, at 15:40:43
In reply to Re: Scared - repost » capricorn, posted by ClearSkies on November 22, 2006, at 15:15:14
I'm not that old, but I've done tons of volunteering. It's actually what's got me through a lot of the hard times. I've had bad experiences where people put me in rolls that I'm not able to do, but it's usually a learning thing. OR I try to make it one. I've learned that you have to be able to say, no I can't do that, and most of the time it's okay to say that. Volunteering one on one can be a lot easier than with a big group. Like going and reading to a kid in school, or playing a game with a senior. I've learned that I like the big group stuff and I like being in charge of things (maybe it's just the attention but...). Take small steps. Don't rush it. It can be very hard, but very rewarding.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 23, 2006, at 8:58:16
In reply to Re: Scared - repost, posted by Gee on November 22, 2006, at 15:40:43
Hi Capricorn,
it sounds like a big change, but do you think you can make it a compartment of your life- I will do this activity X hours a day or X hours per week. I will do this activity because my caring care coordinator thinks it will be good for me. I will do this activity, knowing that it will be different than the last time I did something similar. I will have different responsibilities, and I will work with different people. They don't know me, and that's good, because I have changed since the last time I did this kind of thing.I know you're scared, but this may be an opportunity to empower yourself. To start and work diligently on a task, knowing that somedays it's going to be really hard, and somedays working will come easier.
I don't know you too well, but do you have high standards for yourself? Unreasonable expectations? This might be an opportunity to figure out what you can do, and to give yourself credit for trying something that terrifies you.
I know that you are resistant, but is it possible that your care coordinator sees something in you that you cannot see in yourself?
whatever you decide, please take care, and keep posting :)
-Li
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