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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:40:25
Well, I do know what to do, but that is what is scaring me :-( I have had a relapse and have been very, very depressed the past few weeks. Lots of SI, which I have never really experienced before. I had been on Lexapro for about 11 weeks (after 1.5 years on Paxil CR which was making me sluggish and blah and it didn't seem to be helping anymore so I raised Lexapro with my pdoc and he thought it was a good idea) and thought I was doing well, but I guess not. So, my doctor put me back on Paxil (but the regular this time) and for well over two weeks all I could think about was wanting to die. The thoughts would just come into my head and it has scared the crap out of me. And, to top it off, I got a stomach virus on Thursday and threw up and had diarrhea starting at about 4 a.m. lasting almost all day. Couldn't even keep a glass of water down.
I think I want to go to the hospital, but am afraid of the repurcussions. You see, I am 45 and have always been very independent and have always been the one to take care of everybody else. Anyway, I told me mom that I might go to the hospital because I have been feeling so down (didn't go into too much detail because I get the lecture that there are people out there who are truly suffering or she starts in about herself and all the misery she has been through, etc.) and she said she wouldn't visit me because she would never step foot in another psych ward again (my sister-in-law was [I say was because she took her own life) schizophrenic and my mom had to take her to the hospital a number of time. I am afraid that my family will disown me if I go. I am afraid my pdoc will fire me if I go. I am just so afraid.
Don't know why I am posting this. I just needed to tell someone. It's hard to talk to my family and friends about this because they have never seen me like this before. I need to rest and heal and feel "normal" again. But, what if I never feel "normal" again? Maybe this is it for me.
I'm scared.
Posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:44:08
In reply to Scared and don't know what to do (TRIGGER), posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:40:25
Just wanted to add that I have absolutely NO intentions of acting on the SI. I would never do that to my family and friends. I am just afraid of the thoughts.
My mom came over to stay with me so there is someone with me. And, when she goes home, I will be calling a friend to come over and stay.
I just needed to talk about the scary thoughts because they are so unnerving.
Posted by Phillipa on April 7, 2007, at 23:02:25
In reply to Re: Scared and don't know what to do (TRIGGER), posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:44:08
I'm sorry you feel so bad. If you need to go to the hospital for you then do so once you're better your family will understand and it's you who has to live feeling like you do. Good luck and please stay safe. Love Phillipa
Posted by sunnydays on April 8, 2007, at 9:59:48
In reply to Scared and don't know what to do (TRIGGER), posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:40:25
((((((annie)))))))
First of all, I don't know your family so I don't know how they would react, but I doubt your pdoc would fire you. I'm sure he has had many many many patients over the years go to the hospital. Don't necessarily go expecting it to help the thoughts go away, but it will keep you somewhat safe. Please go if you feel you need to. I know it's scary. Imagine all of us here at Babble holding your hand, if it helps.
sunnydays
Posted by scratchpad on April 8, 2007, at 16:57:05
In reply to Re: Scared and don't know what to do (TRIGGER), posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:44:08
I'm sorry you're having a bad time, Dreamboat. When medications fail us it's a very scary thing. I hope that you are feeling better today.
Scratchpad
Posted by Kath on April 8, 2007, at 17:31:40
In reply to Re: Scared and don't know what to do (TRIGGER), posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:44:08
Good that you posted. Please let us know how you're feeling, OK?
((((((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))
Why do you think your pdoc would 'fire' you?
I hope you're feeling way better soon. You're in my thoughts.
luv, kath
Posted by Fivefires on April 9, 2007, at 1:44:26
In reply to Scared and don't know what to do (TRIGGER), posted by dreamboat_annie on April 7, 2007, at 22:40:25
Sorry to hear ur feelin' sooo bad dreamboat_Annie.
I seem to have increased ideation when on same ADs, Prozac too, SSRIs; don't know why.
Your mom sounds like mine; really hurts.
I've had all but one good hospital experience.
(Breakdown wasn't good.)
There have been times since, I've wished I could afford to go in for 're-eval, re-coup, re-charge'.
My Dad would always support me in these times; I still miss him so very much.
(((((dA)))))&prayers2u, 5f
Posted by dreamboat_annie on April 17, 2007, at 21:37:38
In reply to Re: Scared and don't know what to do (TRIGGER), posted by Fivefires on April 9, 2007, at 1:44:26
and support. I am starting to feel a bit better and thinking more rationally. I saw my pdoc on Sunday (yes, he sees patients on weekends once a month - he's so nice). I was really sick with a gastrointestinal virus and threw up so much for days that I think I was in a really weak state and feeling hopeless. I have now eaten solid food for two days in a row and it all stayed down - Yahoo!!! I was really scared for awhile there. I am still feeling quite weak, but I am actually letting my body heal (for once) and trying to take it easy. My pdoc says I am suffering more from exhaustion and burnout than depression (although burnout is a form of depression). I brought it on myself. I can't seem to let go of my workaholic tendencies and I don't listen to the signals my body is giving me. My pdoc has put me off work for a couple of months and has told me to call him any time I need to between appointments. I am so afraid that I have damaged myself beyond repair, but I need to take it one day at a time and try not to worry.
So, again, thank you all for being there. I'm sorry it took me so long to express my gratitude.
This is the end of the thread.
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