![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 5 to 29 of 42. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on June 23, 2013, at 16:25:17
In reply to Re: It's time..., posted by alexandra_k on June 22, 2013, at 21:23:15
meh.
i get two shots at it.
so that means one shot of me being me.
then once more again if i need to figure out a compromise.
no point getting hung up on trying to figure out what i think they want without letting them see me first.
'cause i'm not that bad.
ahaha.the thesis is turning out to be a real pain in the *ss.
http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=1570
sigh.
well... not quite that bad... but who wants to read it. i mean... really...
and so i think that it is sh*t and have this compelling urge to start again
and again and again
making it different but not necessarily better.the thing to do...
is to be all like 'okay, i'll submit this - okay?'
at which point they HAVE to read it (to yay or nay that)
and tell me why the hell not if the answer is not
and they have pride since i'll be all like 'and thanks to my wonderful advisors' and so on...
so they won't let me submit utter sh*t.
but they also won't really read it before then.but I HAVE to finish. just... because. because of all the freaking people in the world who got herded through in 3 years and their advisors wrote most of it for them and they get to be Dr. so i'm stuffed if i'm not going to be Dr.
but my supervisor is notoriously hands off... which is why he's so good... because he actually gets on with his own work. sigh. like how the temptation (when teaching) is to spend all your time on that... helping first year psychology majors improve their essay on Descartes...
and the point is that on the way the point was lost.
for now that is what i tell myself: if i don't manage to focus on finishing... just doing what i need to do to be allowed to submit... then what makes me different from the security guards who are so focused on protecting property that they chase everyone off campus? from the librarians who are so focused on making the library look tidy that they disturb people trying to read? who are so focused on making the library look welcoming that they set up group work desks and group study rooms to the point where it isn't quiet enough for focused reading? from the academics who are so focused on making the hallways look tidy that they disturb people trying to work? who are so focused on hierarchy's that the people who don't need offices (because they are incapable of working independently) have them while those who do (because they need silence to work) have to try and find quiet corners of the halls?
that is what you get when you try and turn a tech into a uni... and around 2/3rd of the lecturers STILL not having their PhD's done (despite other people pretty much working full time to do them for them) and a whole lot of envy that a first year might complete faster than them...
ffs.
yes people.
that is what academia is about.
totally.
you f*ck*ng nailed it.
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2013, at 1:17:45
In reply to Re: It's time..., posted by alexandra_k on June 22, 2013, at 21:10:43
> we aren't so particularly interested in the super high achiever in most everything they do
> I think what they are most interested in
> (That frightens me, actually)
> Is the happy healthy well rounded person
> WHo will be happy enough living in some small rural community town
> FOREVER
> Like the traditional English GP.
> So someone who isn't terribly ambitious
> Who isn't terribly smart (just smart enough)
> Someone who is properly embedded in the community
> (Family ties)
> Someone who is properly embedded in the community
> (Valued in the community for what the community values - e.g., club rugby)Of course I wonder about how posters experience this community. Do you feel it's interested in you? Do you feel you have to be happy healthy well rounded? Do you feel you can't be ambitious or smart or disconnected or uninterested in club rugby?
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2013, at 6:50:00
In reply to Re: this community, posted by Dr. Bob on June 25, 2013, at 1:17:45
nah. i'm pretty good.
i found these today. lmfao, nz...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye3Lsh_bcuc
Posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2013, at 0:03:32
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2013, at 6:50:00
i woke up yesterday to find i didn't get a work and income payment so i was unable to pay my rent.
i went in to see work and income...
studylink doesn't consider me a student anymore because i'm not enrolled with a tertiary provider in nz.
work and income nz doesn't consider me looking for work because i'm working on my thesis.
i got all agitated and ranty on them.
there was a poster on the wall about how you should know where your kids are before you back up your car.
you need to tell people not to run over their own children
oh
my
god.security had to mechanically open the door to let me out. why would they lock me in - i don't understand.
agitation...
agitator...
people don't like it. i see now the danger in labeling agitators as mentally ill. it seems like a lisence to ignore what they are saying. don't pay attention to her, don't worry about what she is saying, she is mentally ill. don't listen to her saying that reduced class sizes will help with literacy development. she's mentally ill.
i woke up today and went in to the local community mental health clinic. they saw me after only around a 30 minute wait. they listened empathetically. they got a psychiatrist to see me. the psychiatrist filled out a form which supports my applying for a sickness benefit (so i don't need to look for work). and gave me a 7 day prescription for valium (which will last me about a year).
holy f*ck.
what went right?
she also said that i need to live my myself if at all possible. that i need a low simuli environment. MDD. episodic. DID.
i feel raw. i don't know what to say.
i feel like someone has gently scraped me all over. including my insides. not that that makes any sense at all.
they had a massage chair in the waiting room. the first time i used it it was f*ck*ng AWESOME!!! the second time... not so much. mechanically creepy. i would love to try the squeeze machine.
that is all.
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 2, 2013, at 0:24:24
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2013, at 0:03:32
> they had a massage chair in the waiting room. the first time i used it it was f*ck*ng AWESOME!!! the second time... not so much. mechanically creepy. i would love to try the squeeze machine.
The squeeze machine?
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on August 3, 2013, at 23:27:49
In reply to Re: this community, posted by Dr. Bob on August 2, 2013, at 0:24:24
yeah.
except not, really. it looks mechanical / creepy:
http://www.grandin.com/inc/intro-squeeze.html
i want a big blood pressure cuff that i can crawl inside. then pump up to inflate. so it would squeeze me all over and not just compress the sides.
compression gear (skins, 2XU etc) works pretty good, too. but you habituate to it. and they cut the pants too high and constant abdominal pressure can be painful sometimes.
i tried rolling myself up in gym mats, but i'm too big.
i guess a straightjacket had the same effect lolz.
medication... not so much.
foam roller... helpful.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:10:10
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 3, 2013, at 23:27:49
i wrote a letter. to the ministry of social development. telling them about the 3 occasions this year i woke up to find a payment i'd been anticipating not having been deposited into my account. requesting that reasonable effort be taken to inform students (living off loan living payments) and beneficiaries (living off government payments generally) of cessation of payments in advance to payments ceasing.
i asked them how they would feel if they got one of those green cards they loaded money on to so you could buy food from evil supermarkets that sell over priced poison sprayed cold stored out of season sh*t. or trans-fats to meet ones calorie requirements. rather than being able to buy local produce from local farmers in the local farmers markets. i asked them how they would feel if their payment didn't come through and they needed to produce a letter from their landlord saying that they hadn't paid their rent. i asked them when the last time was that a government worker tried to live (honestly) off a welfare payment.
i think a minister did once. but maybe this is made up rumor distortion... i can't be bothered to look it up... he lasted a couple days. then his kid got sick. and he realized he couldn't afford to take her to the doctor. and he realized he wouldn't want her seeing that doctor anyway. so he cheated. that might have been part of the campaign to get free doctors for children under 5...
probably it will just bite me on the *ss. i said f*ck a lot. near the end. when i was asking them how they would feel. when i said that i appreciated it wasn't any of the particular peoples fault that i was talking to in my efforts to try and sort this out... but how frustrated and angry and desperate i felt... to not be able to meet basic needs of food. that bus drivers won't accept food cards. that i needed to bus to the library and the gym.
i just want to collapse. go to hospital and let some other bastard sort this out for me. but there isn't anyone. there isn't any sorting this out.
the people here... the people i'm living with... they would help me if i let 'em. but i won't let 'em. because then they will have power over me, you see. that is meant to be the thing about welfare... it is centralized. you don't have welfare at the discretion of individuals and their individual whims. you have centralization such that there can be prioritization and mechanisms in play for fairness and such. i thought things were supposed to be... in this country... such that you didn't have to stay with a partner who turned out to be physically or emotionally abusive. you could leave and know that you could still put healthy food on the table and have a physically and psychologically safe housing. you didn't have to be controlled by others. like... well... like people used to have to be. like most women are in fact all around the world.
but most people have ties. friends who will carry them when there are gaps (i've got myself a 3 week one though i don't know how studylink will be able to justify 1 of those weeks when pressured). but even if you have friends who WILL carry you... the point is that they shouldn't f*ck*ng have to. this is why we pay taxes for f*cks sake.
i need to get into the city... i can't rely on government payments so i need to max out the amount they will contribute for weeks in advance and bond so i have a little security with respect to eviction. hard to find a place that will take you on... since they know that work and income tends to do this and work and income requires a quote so it is impossible for you to rent without your landlord knowing you are with work and income (in which case typically the flat turns out to be taken).
this is a b*llsh*t system.
b*llsh*t.
i worry that i'm going to go spastic and f*ck*ng thump someone.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:05
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:10:10
the problem is that where i am at now... without bus tickets... is a prison.
i can't walk anywhere useful. except the supermarket. which is no longer useful.
there is no respite from the f*ck*ng motorway
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:57
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:05
all that is left is to give in to the f*ck*ng tv and the sedatives.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:53:31
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:15:57
it is the entitlement that people don't like.
i'm not allowed to feel entitled.
other people are allowed to feel entitled on my behalf.
and if they feel that way inclined then what is happening is not acceptable.
but one is not allowed to feel entitled on ones own behalf.
one needs to present with humility. that way others are more likely to feel entitled on your behalf. and if you are humble and someone else is entitled on your behalf then you get assistance. but if you are entitled on your own behalf you will only get blocked.
even when the government talks about how as a citizen of this country you are in fact 'entitled' (their words) to this and that... you are also 'entitled' to ask what your 'entitlements' are - and government workers are under legal obligation to tell you... but their telling you this is their feeling entitled on your behalf. which is acceptable. it is only when you internalize it on your own behalf that you have crossed the line. you are allowed to use it to help others... but you have to be embedded, you see. you have to have to have to have to absolutely must have other indivdiuals who will help you or carry you or otherwise... you will die. or you deserve to die. because you simply aren't allowed to be independent, you see. unless you are rich. and then you get privacy, too. and only then.
whether they will or whether they won't inform you of your entitlement is at their discretion. the fussy little manipulations they can or cannot make depending on their inclination and level of intelligence. 'no, we can't help you with that'. is one answer but 'no, we can't help you with that - but if you spend your food money on that then i'll give you a food voucher' is another. 'no we can't assist you with transport costs' is one and 'no we can't assist you with transport costs - but if you paid more rent to live closer we'd help you with your increase in rent' is another. and they aren't legally obliged to tell you about the second unless you specifically ask, you see. so it all comes down to their discretion.
it means that if you have your priorities in order (like myself - food is pretty important. rent is pretty important) then you find yourself struggling a great deal. but if you totally f*ck up your priorities so you spend all your money on a bus ticket and then you go cry about your stupidity to work and income they will feel sorry for you and give you a food voucher. people probably get a darwin award bonus if they actually do succeed in running over one or more of their own kids. you want me to know where my kids are before backing up my car? what? all of them?
just like tech. priorities... i do not understand.
i told you to wait there for me for 20 minutes but you got bored and lonely so you came to find me awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww how sweeeeeeeeeeeeet.
when you are filling in the online form... if you want to change a contingent like a physical address it won't let you you have to go in and see them... but if you want to change essentials like race or DOB or your name at birth that is just about altering the online fields.
the lady on the phone today was fixated on how she can help me with food vouchers. i told her 3 times that the bus drivers don't take food vouchers before throwing the phone across the room.
how do people deal with this sh*t?
i do not understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 1:00:39
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 0:53:31
ah. they deal with it by running over their kids. of course. how stupid of me.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:12:57
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 5, 2013, at 1:00:39
I read this book ages ago. When I was just starting out. And I rediscovered it today. I... Didn't know what I was reading before. I have more context for it now. And it is helping by describing a bunch of notions I had a vague idea of (but should have known by now and hence too embarrassed to ask - yes i can be stupid sometimes)... Reasonably simply.
ALTRUISM
putting others welfare before your own.
Darwin award - right?
Or maybe not...
Frank offers some wonderfully simple examples of how different co-operative (or un-co-operative) strategies might evolve.
There were a couple paragraphs that I can't find right now (becaues I don't have a f*ck*ng library card and googlebooks is being un-co-operative) but he is talking about the benefits of co-operation. Most theorists are fixated on the benefits of co-operation (I've been thinking to myself over the last couple years). The idea being that what I can achieve individually is not as good at what I can achieve as being part of a team.
And the problem... Is that... I simply don't buy it.
A certain person said: We are obligate co-operators. We haven't been able to go it alone for thousands of years. And I wondered about the people who go off in the desert for 7 years... or whatever. Robinson Crusoe. I bet there are more than we know of. I mean... If they truly went bush then we wouldn't know, right?
But then I thought that I suppose they profit from society, still. I mean... They were fed and clothed as infants. And someone taught them a language... So I suppose we are all dependent on the products of society in those ways. And when you go off you take a bunch of stuff with you rather than inventing it in your lifetime. Swiss army knives, at the very least. Probably hooks. Knowledge of foraging and hunting... And stuff...
Anyway...
Frank said that there wouldn't be any point co-operating if the product wasn't better than what you could do by yourself.
And of course: It's obvious. Not entirely sure why I thought anyone was denying it.
It depends on your ENVIRONMENT - of course. Hanging out in a group of 6 future 'inter-professional health professionals' and taking 20 minutes to put 5 labels on a basic cell makes me feel un-cooperative. Mildly psychopathic. Whereas when it comes to my thesis... I'm feeling strangely co-operative when it comes to that... Not with those same people (still feeling un-co-operative) but with a certain other group of people... I feel co-operative, indeed. And if anything... Like I'm actually asking them to carry me a lot of the time :-( Which is why I feel un-cooperative again and run and hide...
:-(
(which is of course why THEY are / were paid to teach ME)
He said more but I forget...
Stuff about group selection. That finally made sense to me. What it was supposed to be... WHY people don't like the idea.
There are 'fitness traps'. Because of individual competition certain traits are selected... And then because of the way things evolve the whole group (and the individuals in the group) end up worse off. For example: peahens prefer peacocks with huge tails. The peacocks with the hugest tails get more mating opportunitites with 'higher quality' peahens (don't even get me started on 'higher quality'). So over time the peacocks tails get huger and huger... And all the peacocks are worse off because they all have freaking huge tails which just screams EAT ME to all their predators.
Maybe... Foot binding. (Marital advantage to those few who adopt it, everyone adopts it and everyone bears the cost and no-one gets advantage. But still too costly to defect). Female circumscision. These examples are controversial.
But the idea of group selection is the converse - a trait that is good for the group evolves even though it is costly to individuals. And the idea is... that can't happen. Because the unit of selection is the individual - not the group.
Unless you want to do something funky with between-group competition. (Because individual / parts of the individual / groups of the individuals - are just relative places on a hierarchical scale of parts-wholes surely... perhaps... Tell me a funky story about high fidelity inheritance)
aargh.
I can't function in this present environment I've found myself in. And... I never really could.
Now... I'm really not terribly sure about this... But thinking... Thinking... There are different child raising strategies... When child mortality is high it makes sense to have lots of children. I think that is the thought. And when child mortality is lower... Anyway... Sigh. Most people are finding it hard to find a job these days. It isn't just the economy... Or maybe it is, I don't know anything about economics. But older people aren't 'old' like they used to be. They are still effectively doing their jobs. We can't make them retire - because they are healthy and functioning highly at their jobs. But so there are less jobs for younger people. There are... Less jobs. And more kids. Every kid and their 13 brothers and sisters wants a job.
So what you need now to get an entry level position is much higher than it used to be. Now you need a degree in teaching... Once upon a time you went to teachers college and were paid to be an apprentice teacher for 3 years and you did a lot of that in schools and you did some stuff at the college. Things like being a kitchen hand... You now need a degree for. Farm hand. It means the people who get those jobs are a few years older and they have a few 'placement' experiences as part of their education. They have also paid thousands of dollars to do their 3 years at tech or uni (it is called these days) which is what is required for an entry level minimum wage position washing dishes.
hmm...
What you need to invest is more than it used to be. The mushroom child raising strategy isn't as effective as ... Investing everything you have in just the one. The latter is risky... Death... But mortality is low these days... Maybe they'll get a job before you retire hahahahahhahahahaha.
I don't cope well in environments where people are... Where people were raised by their peers. Their siblings. If you wanted food... You needed to be the cutest or most gregarious or whatever so that someone gave you special treatment. Survival of the fittest that way. Like the birds... Feeding the loudest crier. So they all cry loudly and it doesn't signal need anymore. You can't defect and survive. You can't.
What is wrong with me is what is right with me. In SOME contexts.
Apparently: Person - environment mis-match is NOT sufficient for mental disorder. Conflicts between the individual and society is NOT grounds for mental disorder UNLESS:
the behavior is due to DYSFUNCTION WITHIN THE INDIVIDUAL.
this is because psychiatry is about changing the INDIVIDUAL and not SOCIETY. not the ENVIRONMENT.
I think psychiatry is (for a large part) a mechanism of social control. That can... Sometimes be used for good. Doctors... Not just psychiatrists... But Doctors more generally get something along the lines of... Conscientious objection. Discretionary empathy. With political clout. For instance... The power to get young guys sent home from war as unfit to serve if they really needed (physically or mentally) to not be there anymore. Flat feet mother f*ck*r. Back pain. Check out the disks on MRI!! Stuff like that. Abortions. Euthenasia. Some kind of compassionate discretion. It is scary who has power and how they use power. But It is good that there is this additional compassionate mechanism.
Like the doc who is supporting me in saying that medically I am not able to seek or take up work right now.
Because my overseas program of study isn't recognized... And so on... So 'health' is kind of my last shot...
I'm not anti-social. Opposed to group work. And so on... But... Well... My desire to co-operate / go it alone does in fact vary depending on the nature of the task / my assessment of the ability of the others I'm meant to co-operate with. That is... Normal. Yay me. I'm okay. Of course I am. I'm okay. ANd you'r okay. And of course they are okay too. In their own special way.
The introversion / extroversion thing doesn't work for me because it is too 'pop culture'. I need to be careful with 'meme' (and the idea of evolution of mental disorder) for similar reasons...
High / Low stimulation... Differently reactive nervous systems... maybe I can use that. Biology doesn't seem to have trouble with the idea of behavioral adaptation (e.g., 'headstanding beetle behavior') so why have trouble with the idea of maladaptive behavior (e.g., mental illness)? why is the latter specially dodgey??
Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:20:31
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:12:57
you know why you don't run over some of your kids?
because YOU CAN HEAR THEM
Posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 23:18:33
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 5:20:31
the letter to the ministry was a great idea. things are sorted now. nobody seemed offended by my swearing... they seemed genuinely empathetic... they are going to forward pay / back pay so there is no gap in the transition. i think i might even have a slight increase which will help me get to the library.
everything is going to be okay.
:-)
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 8, 2013, at 11:22:14
In reply to Re: this community, posted by alexandra_k on August 6, 2013, at 23:18:33
Posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:34:29
In reply to Re: :-) (nm) » alexandra_k, posted by Dr. Bob on August 8, 2013, at 11:22:14
you are still here - right?
i'm not going to idealize you, because i'm not going to devalue you, either.
at least... i'm going to try very hard. sigh.this idea of 'better or worse' people is hard for me... i'm not entirely sure why. maybe because there are many examples of judgements we have made in the past that we think of as unfair now.
I've been reading Wilson's 'Sociobiology'. 1975. He is talking about ants. I need to read it again... But he talks about how some of the individuals just do move faster and are more productive generally. You can track objective pay-offs. These individuals seem to have a social facilitation effect. The other ants kick up their performance another notch when they are around that ant.
Then of course the idea is that the same thing applies to people.
I"m not sure what it is... But some people seem to have something... An ability to make fine grained discriminations that other cannot? An ability to focus their attention to notice things that others do not? An ability to kick others into gear? Something... Some things...
An exuberance?
An energy?Apparently it is a view that mental disorder is one of the things that makes us distinctively human. That it is something about the kinds of minds we have that makes us prone to the kinds of disorders we have. This is controversial, I suppose. Especially for those people studying animal (e.g., mouse, rat) models of this or that or the next thing...
Someone... I forget... Reckoned that the thing about gifted individuals was something to do with their emotions. Emotional excitability. It gave them motivation. Drive. Obsession. Enthusiasms. Then you have the 10,000 hours to expertise idea (pop culture, but whatever). Not as sufficient, but as necessary.
But this kind of excitability... Can go horribly wrong, it seems to me.
Reactivity...
Something.
I have no idea what I'm talking about.
I never thought of different anti-depressants targeting different niches (symptoms, I suppose) of depression... I guess I thought there was a flurry of excitement as each new one came out... But the idea that things then settled into some kind of awareness of a niche is new to me... I don't know anything about medication. Or about biochemistry. I don't know. It is a shame, really, but there it is.
Economics gives us objective pay-off structures. That is nice. It is hard to translate pay-off structures to fitness benefits. Or seems that way to me. Problematic...
To be valued most within a group you need to demonstrate committment to the group. You can't be luke warm. Gang members who get 'Mongrel Mob Forever' tattooed across their face and trusted by the gang. Because their fate is bound to the fate of the gang. They have inherited the gangs enemies and without the support of the gang they will surely suffer. They can't defect. They have demonstrated committment.
Choosing to do a PhD in philosophy isn't quite as bad as that... But close. Too... Arrogant? Too... Senior? To begin anything again from the ground up. Too... Specialist for other people to have any idea what the f*ck you can do and what the f*ck you can offer.
And I have no way of telling them. Because every single day... I'm f*ck*ng astounded at how most people seem to have an inability to do things that are EASY for me. And of course the converse is sometimes the case... But it makes communication hard.
I can fix the internet though, of yes I can. It isn't acceptable that it has been dodgey for a month... Down since Sunday. I don't understand how poeple can piss about and do nothing... Spend so much time sorting things out which involves nothing being done... How are people so f*ck*ng effective at wasting time???
YOu do need to go around with an 'I'm cranky and don't piss me off or I'll f*ck*ng snap at you' expression - or people will bog you down and suffocate you in their nothingness. Their idle pratter about... Nothing. You need to show people that things need to move - chop chop or people will revert to their usual state of comatose sluggishness...
Irritability at the world is simply a necessary precondition for anything getting done at all. Most people are... Inert. HOly f*ck*ng crap people.
I...
Need to get out of here...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:41:26
In reply to Re: :-), posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:34:29
and then of course i think about my supervisor... and how to his eyes i'm just as lethargic and complacent and dull-witted.
which helps with the appropriate sense of compassion, i think.
i don't know what to say.
Posted by Dr. Bob on August 16, 2013, at 2:15:54
In reply to Re: :-), posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2013, at 23:34:29
> you are still here - right?
>
> i'm not going to idealize you, because i'm not going to devalue you, either.
> at least... i'm going to try very hard. sigh.I'm still here. But I wasn't here for a few days, so you can't idealize me. But I'm here now, so you can't devalue me, either. :-)
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on August 16, 2013, at 2:25:40
In reply to Re: still here, posted by Dr. Bob on August 16, 2013, at 2:15:54
sigh.
yes, i suppose you are allowed to walk away sometimes.
as long as you come back.
eventually.
ty.
Posted by SLS on August 17, 2013, at 5:07:44
In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 16, 2013, at 2:25:40
> sigh.
>
> yes, i suppose you are allowed to walk away sometimes.
>
> as long as you come back.
>
> eventually.
>
> ty.A_K, I would like to express to you the same sentiments. You have added a richness to these forums that cannot be replaced. It is my hope that you don't walk away - except for an occasional sabbatical.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2013, at 21:10:53
In reply to Re: still here » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on August 17, 2013, at 5:07:44
> > sigh.
> >
> > yes, i suppose you are allowed to walk away sometimes.
> >
> > as long as you come back.
> >
> > eventually.
> >
> > ty.
>
> A_K, I would like to express to you the same sentiments. You have added a richness to these forums that cannot be replaced. It is my hope that you don't walk away - except for an occasional sabbatical.
>
>
> - ScottI don't know what to say... Thank you, Scott, that is very kind of you. I am really glad that I've been given the opportunity to get to know you better. You have been around for longer than me, I see. Sometimes I miss out on getting to know people who are known well. Because I hardly ever frequent the meds board, I suppose.
And then...
I suppose I did to my last t what I was afraid he would do to me. Just kind of ambled off... And disappeared. I don't suppose it is fair of me to ask Bob not to do that but keep that option open for myself. I suppose. Hmm. I feel sheepish. But of course I'd still rather he didn't.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 18:25:39
In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2013, at 21:10:53
lecture starts around 8 minutes in.
her enthusiasm is catchy. i am going to have to study science next year, after all, i think. i mean... i'll focus on my thesis for now and whatever will be will be... but i'll make sure i meet application etc deadlines.
i went to one yesterday... it was on hydroponic people. at least, that is how i'm going to think about it. people who had intestinal failure so needed to be fed via iv. a lot of metabolism happens between mouth and bloodstream.... out mouth and gut / gut and bloodstream (nasal feeing). i guess that can be measured by seeing how people respond to iv feedings. and nasal feedings. wow. pretty. f*ck*ng. cool. (sad for them, obviously).
(i have no idea why i'm thinking of them as 'hydroponic'. i guess it is just the notion of precise quantities, whereas actual food (e.g., fruits and veges) have so many unknowns going on with pesticides and seasonal variation in sugars etc).
i think i might have some scientist in me, after all.
apparently the notion of group selection is problematic... goodie.
stuff to be doing...
spending time at uni helps me feel... human. getting excited about hydroponic people or beautiful biomolecules and seeing theorists recognize the excitement... is the most wonderful kind of catchy feeling in the world. it is rare... i didn't realise? forgot? just how rare that was...
life... for me... is about doing what i can to maximise time spent with people who have that similar excitement... who are part of the project of maximising that in the world... hoping people catch more of it...
rather than setting out to prove how smart one is / how stupid others are... or whatever... i don't know.
happy.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 20:48:43
In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 18:25:39
it is about the pursuit of excellence.
whatever the activity. i said that to people at the tech i was at in a different part of the country... i said (to the management people) that i didn't understand why it wasn't about the pursuit of excellence. why people weren't being encouraged to be the best x they could be. they said 'not everyone can be the best'. i said - i didn't say that everyone could. but i don't understand why everyone can't be taught to / take up the task of being the best *they can be*.
the best kitchen hand. the best chef. the best mechanic. the best engineer. the best... whatever. it doesn't freaking matter what.
and then: your conscience is clear. and you can pat yourself on the back for doing the best you could. and really, nobody could ask any more of you. you can be proud of youself.
what more is there to life?
figuring out what is preventing you from being the best you can be. and of course figuring out what is preventing you pursuing the aspects that you feel passionately about. or that you used to feel passionately about before other people killed it - or before you (in internalizing those messages from other people) killed it.
i will never get to the olympics... but i take much pleasure from the *pursuit* of perfection in olympic lifting. not just my own performance... but my own performance opens up a beauty in others performances that i wouldn't appreciate if i wasn't on my own path. all of us... as a species... the pursuit of perfection... we can all take part / be a part of that... just by doing our best. not everybody can be the best. being the best is largely determined by factors outside our control, though (so one can't appropriately be praised or blamed for that). one has rather more responsibility for whether one takes up the *pursuit*, however.
what is the meaning of life: engaging in activities that are meaningful. what makes them meaningful? well...
some things are intrinsically valuable (valuable for their own sake). we do have this idea of losing perfectly... and losing badly... losing perfectly is fighting right up until the end and losing because of factors... outside ones own control. photographs of defeat in the olympics (for example) are beautiful when we see the person really striving and giving it their all. there is something beautiful in the striving... when one side has an easy win and opponants gave up.. it spoils the game, rather.
what prevents people from this?
how do we fix it?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2013, at 21:22:19
In reply to Re: still here, posted by alexandra_k on August 17, 2013, at 21:10:53
> I don't suppose it is fair of me to ask Bob not to do that but keep that option open for myself. I suppose. Hmm. I feel sheepish.
And that is, perhaps, the story of my life. My father did that. Or, at least, that is indeed how I felt about my Father leaving for quite a number of years.
And most of my social relationships... Sort of peter out. I don't tend to keep in touch with people when I don't simply run into them. I thought maybe there was something problematic about my ability to properly hold people in mind when they weren't there or... I don't know what it is. But I know I am really very bad at keeping in touch. And there simply isn't an excuse these days with Skype and email etc.
The people I feel the closest to are the ones who put up with that tendency in me. And when we do meet again we just kind of pick things up how they left off.
But I... Do amble off rather a lot. ANd I opt out of a bunch of in-person interactions, too. Social anxiety... Things seem too hard to me... So I don't do them. Like how people get together and spend all day getting all dressed up for a theme party (for instance) but the only way I can bear to go at all is if people don't give me a hard time for not really thinking about it... Then just showing up. Otherwise... I can't do it at all. Too much... Social pressure? I got a hard time to start with for not making more of an effort to dress up etc... Till I put my foot down on 'quit it -- or I won't come at all'. I just... Can't.
Can't.
I don't know what it is.
I suspect the latter is a different problem.
Thesis is story of my life. I hope it isn't too late.
I think... I feel sad that my future is probably going to be one of me being considered a crazy person on welfare... If all goes well... Mentally disordered so I can't work so on sickness... I...
I cant' survive outside the university.
Philosophy is...
Well... There isn't another home.
That is what it is.
The love of learning for learnings sake.
The opportunity to learn...
Everything.
(in as much as possible within the limited amount of time I have on this earth)
I don't understand people saying that life would cease to have value / meaning if it didn't end. That doesn't make sense to me. People who think they would be bored... Need to get out more. If my life lasted forever... There would be forever + 1 bits of information for me to learn. That equation doesn't make sense - but I'm sure the idea is clear... SOmething about provable things that can't be proven... Something somtehing.
devil is in the details of cousre.
sigh.
I wish there was a lecture like the one I posted... For every field. So I could get a sense of all the fields there are.
Problem is that every research group probably has their own story...
Then my job... Is to use the information they have learned... To attempt to answer some of the big qeustions. The big questions that are thoght to be intractable to science. That can't be directly tested. That involve integrating information from a diverse range of fields / research groups where those people aren't even aware of each others existence...
Before alzheimers or dementia. Preferably.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 24, 2013, at 18:19:28
In reply to Re: still here » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on August 17, 2013, at 5:07:44
well, where did you go, then?
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