Psycho-Babble Substance Use Thread 433557

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Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble..

Posted by tanner257 on December 23, 2004, at 20:10:16

I'm watching my alcoholic son self-destruct and I don't know where else to turn; maybe someone here can at least give me some insight or perspective. My 30-year old son has been an alcoholic since adolescence. He's been in several inpatient rehabs, and is clean for a few weeks, then goes back to drinking. His 7-year marriage fell apart last summer, and that seemed to be the only thing that kept him functional. He is really floundering now: he's marginally employed, is always broke, has no car, and just lost his third apartment since May. Yesterday his attorney called us and told us he showed up in court smelling like a brewery and that he wold no longer represent him (we've been paying for his divorce lawyer). We have tried to give him financial and emotional support, have paid for therapy, tried to get him to AA meetings, have attended al-anon meetings (not really too helpful for me) and don't know what else to do. I am heartsick. I can't continue to support him financially but I don't know if I have the stomach to point him to a homeless shelter in the winter. I am torn between my need to rescue and fix him and my anger and resentment at not being able to. I know: classic codependency.
Is there anything anyone can offer? Thanks.

 

Re: Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble..

Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 23, 2004, at 23:00:06

In reply to Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble.., posted by tanner257 on December 23, 2004, at 20:10:16

Not all al-anon groups are the same. Not all support groups are the same, either. Keep reaching out. I hope you find peace. I'm an alcoholic, and everyone like me owes a lot to people like you. If I could wish anything for the people who have worried about me over the years, it's that they have something worthwhile in their own lives to focus on when I've let them down...someone to lean on when I kept them up at night. Sorry I can't say more.

 

Re: Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble..

Posted by bart on December 25, 2004, at 17:04:58

In reply to Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble.., posted by tanner257 on December 23, 2004, at 20:10:16

I am also alcoholic and whole heartedly believe what the previous person's post talked about. I had a very similar situation with my mother trying to deal with me. She has become a very active al-anon member. try different meetings to get support from different personality types. The one thing I would really like to say is that, as a member of A.A., one of the best tools I have discovered is realizing the power of prayer and acceptance. This could apply to any individual, alcoholic or not, who sees the spiritual significance of suffering. As I'm sure you know, it is up to your son to arrest the disease. I had the willingness to get better the moment I lost everything and was dropped off at the homeless shelter with no money from mom.
wish you well.

 

Thank you

Posted by tanner257 on December 28, 2004, at 8:10:52

In reply to Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble.., posted by tanner257 on December 23, 2004, at 20:10:16

Thanks for your help. Both posts gave me a lot to think about.

 

Re: Thank you » tanner257

Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 28, 2004, at 18:06:54

In reply to Thank you, posted by tanner257 on December 28, 2004, at 8:10:52

I would just like to add, regarding your assessment of your behavior (or self) as codependent...I hope you're not too quick to think of yourself as "sick" because you have such strong emotional bonds to your own child.

It's very hard to feel powerless, and to feel so strongly at the same time that we SHOULDN'T be powerless. I don't think our minds are geared to allow any of us (human beings) to accept defeat because, what is left if we do? Despair? Isn't it better to tell ourselves that we can find a solution (despite evidence to the contrary) than to give up? I think that, when we blame ourselves for things that are in fact beyond our control, or when we blame ourselves for having the "wrong" reactions, we are really trying very hard to regain control.

This is why people who are abused end up convincing themselves that they are at fault for the abuse--it's better to believe that you can do something to stop it than to think of yourself as something akin to a refugee with no safe place to go. It's the same for people with illnesses who become experts on the causes and therapies for their illness--they need to feel responsible for their health so that they don't feel like some doctor's lab rat. And it's the same for people who take care of someone who is ill or in trouble--it's just too awful to assume a passive role. We're not made to accept defeat. We're made to find solutions to problems and to help those we're close to.

Just see that you don't go through this alone. You need people to help share your burden, and you need people to help you keep a healthy perspective. You need people to check up on you and see that you're okay, too. You can't neglect yourself (or your bills, your need for sleep, your need for companionship as well as some solitude), or you won't be any good to anyone.

Last year I took care of a friend who was suicidally depressed. I fed him, I got him to the doctor, I talked to the doctor for him when he asked me to, I made him brush his teeth, I took him to the pharmacy to get his prescriptions filled. He asked me not to tell his other friends or his family because the shame would be too much and he would kill himself. He said not to take him to the hospital for the same reason. He said not to tell a soul, and that if I was his real friend, I would never let anyone find out the state he was in. So I went to see him every day, I never let my phone ring twice before answering it (in case he needed me), I went to his apartment every day to feed him and see that he was alive, and I told no one. I neglected my job, my home, my friendships, and myself in an effort to meet the impossible demands of a very sick man. Looking back on it, I think the right thing to do would have been to involve other people early on--there were many others in his life who would have helped him, and I had friends of my own who would have supported me.

This man is (thank God) alive and well today. However, he did try to kill himself twice before he got better. If he had succeeded, I would have blamed myself, and I would have had very little support because no one knew what was going on. If I had involved others, however, the burden for his welfare would not have been all mine. And, if he had killed himself, then his friends and family, my friends, and I would have all been around to support each other through that time TOGETHER.

I can't imagine telling anyone to give up on a child's welfare, but trying to save him all alone is a bad idea for sure. One person in trouble can drag anyone far, far down. If your son was a well man, if he were thinking clearly, that's not what he would want for you.

YBR

 

Re: Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble

Posted by AuntieMel on December 31, 2004, at 14:10:29

In reply to Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble.., posted by tanner257 on December 23, 2004, at 20:10:16

Al-anon is about teaching you how to take care of yourself - and how to set healthy boundaries. This can't be anything but good for you. If you didn't find a group that helped then look for another one. Don't be afraid to speak up at meetings and tell what you are going through. Everyone there has been or is going through the same thing.

As a former drunk, I will tell you that if I had people that would help me out, pay for my stuff and clean up after me I would never, never ever have cleaned up.

This doesn't mean you have to shut him out. You can very lovingly tell him that cleaning up his mess has done no good for either of you and you just can't deal with it any more. If you are feeling particularly stern you can tell him that you are saving the money that has gone towards his habit to pay for his funeral.

Tough love.. An analogy I heard is having someone you love going to bed drunk. The drunk falls out of bed, so you help him back in. An hour or so later he falls out again and you help him again. The third time you leave him there - but put a pillow under his head and cover him with a blanket.

Just don't make any "threats" you won't follow up.

And remember something my counselors said (to the family members): "Unless you tied him down and poured alcohol down his throat for several years you didn't cause this. And if you didn't cause it you aren't responsible for it and you can't fix it." She also says "Your child isn't eleven anymore. Give them the dignity to do this, or fail, on their own as an adult."

 

Re: Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble.. » tanner257

Posted by josh's mom on January 31, 2005, at 14:46:58

In reply to Please help! My son is an alcoholic in trouble.., posted by tanner257 on December 23, 2004, at 20:10:16

Hello - I feel your pain and believe me, some days will be good, some will be bad. I am in a similar situation, my son will be 25 this month and has had all the same trouble as yours - he was discharged from the military, got divorced, lost many jobs, has no car and no money ALL due to alcohol. He has the kindest soul of any human and it breaks my heart - some days I am strong, others not so strong. I have been through EVERY conceivable kind of help I can find but he still drinks - went to his last DUI appearance wreaking of alcohol. My email is faulk_land@hotmail.com if you would like to e-talk.


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