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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:34:32
how, exactly, do I make myself stop caring that my SO is killing himself? How do I "act like" it doesn't bother me that we will have no future together if he kills himself with a coke anuerism like his brother did?
I know I'm supposed to "have my own life separate from his drug use", but how do I do that, not "nag or otherwise enable" AND stay with him?
I have done a stupid thing. My ex-husband had totally destroyed my credit (in PA, they split up debt 50-50 no matter who earns more; no matter who signed all of the credit card slips). Those accounts are now in collection. They don't give me the option of monthly payments; they want lump sums, so I have been unable to pay it down. I managed to save some money for "our future", which involves a plan to move to HI. I was too nervous to leave it in the bank in my own name because the debt collector may freeze my funds. So I put it into my SO's account.
And now he's using again. The next day after I showed him that I trusted him by putting the money into his account to protect it from debt collectors, he bought more and did it in the house behind my back AGAIN. There is no end to this betrayal it seems.
After we have had conversations about this- he has told me over and over that he "doesn't want to do it anymore". He "doesn't need help to stop", et cetera. After crying together and pledging to each other that we want a future together because we love each other...
My love for him is dying, my hope for a future with him is dying, my hope for ANY kind of future is dying. We are stuck in a lease until Aug 2006 and my credit is bad, and now I have no money. And I don't have the strength to fight with him, which I know will ensue if I request the money back. Even if I get the money back, I am stuck in the lease. The savings might keep me in a new apartment for a cuople of months, but I don't make enough to pay two rental payments a month until Aug 2006!
And I am so sad that he doesn't love me the same way. I planned on changing my whole life, with great excitement, by moving with him. He is a great guy to be around (even when he's using/killing himself, God help me for saying). I just can't stand knowing that he is actively harming himself. I can't live and love someone who is choosing a short life rather than a long one that would involve me. I know we don't control fate- either of us COULD die at any time, but he is actively pursuing his death. 'Cause "it's fun".
I don't know how to get through this. I am so upset that I cannot decide how to act. I am not going to react the same way that I did before. I am not going to overreact and give him a reason to place half the blame on me (and at the time he had a right- I was acting like a crazy person). I need to be the bigger person, to be the rational one. But, honestly I am so upset that I have lost my acting ability. I don't know how to act. I don't feel at all rational.
I slept on the couch last night because I couldn't bear to have him sleeping peacefully beside me. He is unaware that I know he was using again. And I actually told him that I was sick to my stomach and didn't want to throw up on the bed. It wasn't exactly a lie, but I didn't tell him that I have felt like throwing up since I got home yesterday after work and came upon the evidence of his use the night before. The evidence that he doesn't really want the future he has been talking about. The one I really wnated with him.
And so now I am the liar. It's not a position that I want to be in. I hate this. And I hate how I feel. And I don't know how to get myself to "let him work out his own problems" while I say nothing. This causes me to bury my feelings, which I know is bad for me and is not conducive to "taking care of myself while I let him take care of himself".
It is all a great paradox and I don't know what to do or what to say in my own home. There is no "place" now that I can feel safe and be myself, and take care of myself now.
Please, any kind of advice would be appreciated....
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 25, 2005, at 18:41:07
In reply to AuntieMel? I need your advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:34:32
> how, exactly, do I make myself stop caring that my SO is killing himself?
Sorry to interrupt, but to consolidate the replies, I'd like to redirect this thread to Psycho-Babble Relationships. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050212/msgs/474910.html
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:07:45
In reply to Redirect: make myself stop caring, posted by Dr. Bob on March 25, 2005, at 18:41:07
thanks, I copied it there, too... I just know AuntieMel hangs here, and the subject is HIS subst. use...
thank you for the redirect.
This is the end of the thread.
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