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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by justyourlaugh on June 10, 2005, at 1:01:40
with all the meds i am on....
i do not need a 26er a night..
half....no blackouts(2 weeks)..
i need something...booze is killing me..how can i be me? i dont want me....me is strange..
i hate the world for looking at me taht way!
i refuse to hate me!
who's voice..
where is mine?
Posted by partlycloudy on June 10, 2005, at 8:02:04
In reply to not wasted..but drinking too much..trigger.., posted by justyourlaugh on June 10, 2005, at 1:01:40
It is very strange indeed to live with yourself straight - or, as straight as we are on on meds! I have gone from not liking the person I am straight to thinking I needed the added excitement of not knowing what I did the night before - NOT. I have come to the point where I don't want to have to pay for one night's (or afternoon's) worth of drinking with another full day's worth of migraine and misery. The longer I'm on meds, the worse it gets, the less the trade off is worth it.
So, besides not liking the unpredictable outcome of who partlycloudy will become when I drink - is it going to be morose and sarcastic? Angry and violent? Maudlin and crying? - it's far better for me to be able feel my emotions naturally, authentically, and without the outside wildcard that alcohol deals me.
It's just that feeling, that plodding along like an ordinary person couldn't be what life is all about, could it? Mind altering substances are there to change our perceptions, to break down the borders between reality and the imagined. I think that every time I slip (I hate, hate, hate that word!!) it's really because I'm bored out of my skull.
For me, part of my recovery (another word I dislike) is to become more comfortable with the full range of emotions I'm capable of, without the addition of drinking. They are part of my personality, not something to like or hate about myself, but something to accept, embrace, and understand. I have spent too much time suppressing the negative emotions that life's experiences can provoke in me, that I have only let come out with the aid of a drink. I did that for so long that the only emotions left on the surface were
shame
guilt
fearand I know that I am much more than that. This is what not drinking is giving me. A chance to know the full range of my emotions without the veil of alcohol between me and those feelings. It's a frightening journey if you have been stuffing yourself down for a long time... for me the stuffing away of feelings started when I was very very young.
Let yourself feel. Get angry, sad, puzzled. Let yourself experience these things and let yourself remember those feelings.
pc
This is the end of the thread.
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