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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 4, 2005, at 18:55:19
Watching too much tv news, I'm afraid. I don't know how anyone couldn't be triggered to see the awful, now *man-made* tragedy. I did the right thing, though - called my sponsor, cried, tried to meditate, then fell asleep until my cat informed me it was time for her to eat and for me to get up.
Every day is a victory for me. It feels selfish when I see how people are being scattered, their lives suspended for who knows how long?? when I have so much in my life. On the other hand, a year ago I would have responded to this week's news with a martini and a xanax.
ClearSkies
Posted by AuntieMel on September 4, 2005, at 19:22:27
In reply to Day 15 and a holiday weekend, posted by ClearSkies on September 4, 2005, at 18:55:19
You handled this exactly the right way.
And you have a perfect right to feel the victories and it's not selfish at all!! What you are doing is one of the hardest things in the world.
Feel pride. You've earned it.
Posted by TexasChic on September 5, 2005, at 19:16:11
In reply to Re: I am so proud of you!, posted by AuntieMel on September 4, 2005, at 19:22:27
Yes, feel proud. I'm where you were last year.
I hope I didn't say anything triggering to you. I never really know what's okay and what's not.
I am very impressed with your progress.
-T
Posted by ClearSkies on September 5, 2005, at 20:49:02
In reply to Re: I am so proud of you!, posted by TexasChic on September 5, 2005, at 19:16:11
Thanks, TC. You'd have to be a blood relative to be triggering, LOL! I do just fine with reading about drinking and stuff. I practically have a SWAT team looking after me at this point, between (((Babble))), my husband, my T, my p-doc, my out-patient treatment, my women's sobriety group (they are a hoot!!) and even - yes - AA. My sponsor is a lovely lady.
Funny how I never had a problem admitting I had a problem, but it took me a long time getting my ducks lined up before I could take any action doing something about it.
Thanks for the encouraging words,
ClearSkies
Posted by ClearSkies on September 14, 2005, at 16:11:56
In reply to Day 15 and a holiday weekend, posted by ClearSkies on September 4, 2005, at 18:55:19
Forgive me all, for using this board as my "public record" but I do feel the need to journal this adventure.
Campral has continued to be my magic pill in helping me maintain sobriety, allowing my mind to calm down long enough to consider how different situations trigger the drinking response in me. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. How utterly cruel that the very illness that I've been dealing with exacerbates the anxiety for which I also receive treatment.
I'm at the same time trying to taper down on xanax - from 1mg per day to .5mg. Sounds like small potatoes but I find I'm quite sensitive to its quick calming effects. Of course I am still faced with the problem of the anxiety itself - but it is drastically reduced and simplified by being able to remove alcohol from the equation. The depression actually varies from day to day, from tears to calm to something approaching contentment. I keep cautioning myself not to feel too good, not trusting that this precarious balance will continue for any length of time.
Today was a big one for me in that I picked up the telephone and called 3 women who are in the outpatient programme with me. Hearing a compassionate voice at the other end of the line has helped me so much!! I hope that in being able to listen to my companions' stories that we lend each other strength.
More as I continue...
Posted by rainbowbrite on September 15, 2005, at 6:19:54
In reply to 25 days, posted by ClearSkies on September 14, 2005, at 16:11:56
Congrats! Thats awsome
Posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2005, at 23:41:24
In reply to 25 days, posted by ClearSkies on September 14, 2005, at 16:11:56
Great! Fabulous! Awesome! Tremendous! Fantastic!Remarkable! Terrific! Superb! Breathtaking! Brilliant! Outstanding! Splendid! Marvelous! Magnificent! Exceptional! Stupendous! Remarkable!
Simply way cool!
Your beret is on the way! Thanks for sharing your wise mind tonight.
GG, who's having fun with her thesaurus
Posted by verne on September 16, 2005, at 23:56:41
In reply to Day 15 and a holiday weekend, posted by ClearSkies on September 4, 2005, at 18:55:19
I know what you mean about watching the news. My worst benders were during some disaster. I've had to eliminate the news channels on my tv remote.
Congrats on 25 plus days. I'm in the same boat. I got serious about quitting in July and broke contact with my beer buddy or "beer-run guy".
I'm now at 60 days. It's been a bit of a "dry drunk" for me at times - all I could do was "not" drink. (I mean that was my whole day: not drinking) But I'll take it.
Verne
Posted by ClearSkies on September 17, 2005, at 7:11:44
In reply to Re: Day 15 and a holiday weekend » ClearSkies, posted by verne on September 16, 2005, at 23:56:41
Congratulations, my friend. How are you feeling these days?
ClearSkies
Posted by ClearSkies on September 17, 2005, at 7:18:09
In reply to That's wonderful! » ClearSkies, posted by gardenergirl on September 16, 2005, at 23:41:24
Posted by verne on September 17, 2005, at 22:25:43
In reply to Verne! So great to see you here, posted by ClearSkies on September 17, 2005, at 7:11:44
It's been a rough two months. I somehow need to remind myself that my best day drinking is worse than my worst day sober. (did I say that right?) I can't even keep my AA cliches straight.
The worst part of being sober is dealing with the boredom, weak sense of self, and black and white thinking that goes with borderline personality disorder. At times I have to tell myself that how I feel "isn't real" and not get caught up in it.
I'm also very isolated, not in therapy, and not going to meetings. I had to dump one of my few friends because he was a huge enabler and drinker himself. I couldn't convince him to not take me on beer runs during my weaker moments. No amount of promises or "contracts" would help. If I called, he was there.
I try not to put too much stock in how long I've gone without drinking. If I don't keep it in the moment, or at least, the day, I get into trouble. It's like I get on a high horse and I'm proud of my accomplishment, forgetting that, left to myself and my own devices, I would probably drink. I've taken many a fall off that horse.
It's been rough, but I'm thankful.
Verne
Posted by ClearSkies on September 17, 2005, at 22:53:02
In reply to Hi » ClearSkies, posted by verne on September 17, 2005, at 22:25:43
I still have poor outcomes trying to attend AA meetings. Very bad cravings and deeper depression amd hopelessness, and conflicting advice from sponsors at odds with each other over what's the right thing to say . No friendships formed there though I see the same shaded eyes easing over to look me up and down, Reminds me too much of being the new kid in class at grade school. The kid you didn't actually make friends with unless the teacher intervened and stuck us together, pouting. And it was a friendship based on odd and even numbers. Couldn't have an odd student sitting there and not interacting with another!!
My true strength has been uncovered when I started 2 things: taking Campral to supress my brain's stress and agitation due to alcohol dependence; and attending an intensive outpatient programme where a group of individuals spend an inordinate amount of time together and strategize ways to better deal with our stressors. These tools have allowed my mind to calm down to the point where I'm not actually always thinking about drinking - how long it's been since the last one, where there is a forgotten bottle still hidden in the house, being alone with myself and having to find this state sufficient. Weekend evenings are the worst for me still though.
New medications make my mind race at night. An eye mask, soothing music, and an Ambien have no calming effect, My mind keeps increasing its speed. Projects, letters, recipes, chores, things I have to say to someone, things I am waiting for, Things I mean to do but have no realistic intention of really doing them.
So my crazy head is still there. The reaction of having a drink to slow the head down now longer feels feasible. Just have to wait it out. read the same sentence in a book over and over even though I can't comprehend what I'm reading. Treading water with the written word until some pill kicks in and I feel tiredness cloaking my shoulders.
This is the end of the thread.
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