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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 19:50:34
Tonight I'm self-medicating with alcohol. Vodka 100 proof and lime juice, on the rocks.
The best part about not drinking much in the last few weeks?
I'm getting a buzz already.
The truth is that I'm lonely. Nothing on TV. I might as well turn on my inner TV and listen to it for a while. I'm sick of hearing a voice that says "Get up and DO SOMETHING" or worse "Why can't you freaking manage your moods" "Why can't you get the self-injury under control" Now I have a voice that says "I feel funny!" "I want to do something crazy!!" "Let's go post on the substance abuse board-- haven't been there in a while"
Tonight. I say fukitol. A healthy, therapeutic dose of fukitol. I've been fighting the blues (DEEP INDIGO BLUES) all day long. ALL DAY LONG. my 11th hour awake. and I'm plum worn out.
N'zdrovie (did I spell that right?)
Oh yeah, while I'm posting buzzed (not drunk yet) I might as well do the whole purging confession thing. I never once have smoked anything. never even held a cigarette (so pure! so innocent) BUT- I have enjoyed my share of opiate painkillers. I even have one left over from my last sugery. just in case...
And the best is yet to come. Nitrous Oxide NO!. from the whipping cream can. My favorite part of the sundae. I do this every couple of months. When I'm feeling like a glutton.
Mostly it's just binge drinking. At my worst, I sit here (alone of course) with a bottle of wine, or whatever else is handy. Feel sorry for myself and sip sip sip until it's sleepy time. Drunk dialing to my little brother, who seems to drink most nights too.
I've been told that I'm cute when I'm drunk. I get happy and uninhibited. Well, what happens when there's no happiness? The only thing left is disinhibition.
What do I want from you? Well, I want to feel bad. I want to punish myself. I'm not in a very good place right now. I'm listening to the biggest liar in the world, right inside my very own head. saying bad things to me.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 22:40:25
In reply to Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI, posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 19:50:34
Whee!
the euphoriaand now I'm numb
I can scrtch my arm up in all the glee of self-injury!!Without the pain. smile and scratch smile and scratch smile and scratch
(((grin)))
I'm a IVY-league cutter, folks. oh yeah.
sorry. it's disturbing. I'm just so excited.
Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not sorry. I have lots of trigger stuff above. Why am I posting?
DO I *want* someone to rescue me? No, I'm in no state to ride a white horse. White knight can't even pick me up. I'm too heavy. Fur Real Dawg.
I'm just gonna blab out complete bullshint (y'like that curtm, I wrote "shint". That's one of your favorites!!)
Well. Please think of this post as a glass window.
On the other side of the window is a fragile young lady. Who is abandoned. Left alone to fend for herself in the wild. Watch her imbibe. Watch her cut her left inner arm up. oohh! take good notes folks. This could happen to you! who's to say that I'm not watching you. Who's to say that *I'm* the exhibit. Maybe I'm just the audience. Maybe *you're* on display. hahahahaha(maniacal laughter) hahaha..... (hangs head in shame) guilty feelings for splatting all this fecal material onto the pure ivory background of the Substance Abuse Board. (sorry. abjectly) from the bottom of my heart. It's like watching a train crash. I just keep purging and purging and purging my stream of consciousness. Keep the fingers typing, that means less cutting is going on, you dig it?
well
toodles
-llrrrp
Posted by llrrrpp on June 13, 2006, at 7:51:15
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI, posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 22:40:25
Posted by ClearSkies on June 13, 2006, at 9:59:53
In reply to I silenced the subst use board for 2 days. sorry (nm), posted by llrrrpp on June 13, 2006, at 7:51:15
It gets pretty quiet here sometimes. I just didn't know how to reply without being negative! Also, I try to keep my words to myself if I see that some is posting while in an imbibed frame of mind.
For me the act of drinking was self injurious in itself. (Try falling out of the front door of a bar and breaking the fall with your face. My swan dive, so to speak. I do miss my original front teeth; the replacements aren't as pretty, plus I lost all the strength of the front part of my bite when the teeth snapped off at the gumline. So gross.)
CS
Posted by curtm on June 13, 2006, at 23:05:57
In reply to I silenced the subst use board for 2 days. sorry (nm), posted by llrrrpp on June 13, 2006, at 7:51:15
You didn't silence it. I was TDTP (too drunk to post)
LOL
Posted by Declan on June 15, 2006, at 2:21:13
In reply to Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI, posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 19:50:34
Do you think that the desire to be punished is (or can be) tied up with the need to belong?
It's an interesting subject you bring up.
Declan
Posted by llrrrpp on June 15, 2006, at 6:13:58
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI » llrrrpp, posted by Declan on June 15, 2006, at 2:21:13
> Do you think that the desire to be punished is (or can be) tied up with the need to belong?
> It's an interesting subject you bring up.
> Declanyou may be on to something.
Posted by Declan on June 15, 2006, at 14:21:24
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI » Declan, posted by llrrrpp on June 15, 2006, at 6:13:58
Where's that thread about not seeing women as objects? Every so often objectification comes up, but not punishment. I wish I could remember the Randall Jarrell (I think) poem that he wrote for his wife before he died. 'Beloved of the earth' was in there. Nice word, 'beloved'.
Declan
Posted by curtm on June 15, 2006, at 14:38:19
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI » llrrrpp, posted by Declan on June 15, 2006, at 14:21:24
> Where's that thread about not seeing women as objects?
You are trying to be funny because it's immediately below your post. Right?
:)
Posted by llrrrpp on June 15, 2006, at 14:57:30
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI » llrrrpp, posted by Declan on June 15, 2006, at 14:21:24
I am some body's beloved.
I have to remember that my SI hurts my loved one's body too. But then I feel guilty. And how do I cope with guilt. (not well. not well at all)
Never heard of RJ. so I looked him up
"Things went well until 1965 when Jarrell entered a long depression that ended in a suicide attempt. Six months later he was struck and killed by a car under mysterious circumstances. Mary Jarrell makes a cogent case for the accidental nature of his death, though others—without specific evidence—have declared it a suicide. He died at fifty-one."
poor thing. Now as far as that poem goes, lemme see if I can get Bob an Amazon link. no success. I will try some more research later.
-ll
Posted by Declan on June 16, 2006, at 1:07:19
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI » Declan, posted by llrrrpp on June 15, 2006, at 14:57:30
You know how I'd think about it? (From the little I know of you).
I'd punish myself by refraining from acting on impulse, and the unhappiness/frustration I felt from that restaint would be my free offering to my beloved.
Declan
Posted by Declan on June 16, 2006, at 1:08:58
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI » Declan, posted by curtm on June 15, 2006, at 14:38:19
No Curt, I just post in a hurry. Objectification interests me, having felt so alienated most of my life.
Declan
Posted by Declan on June 16, 2006, at 2:15:53
In reply to Re: Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI » Declan, posted by llrrrpp on June 15, 2006, at 14:57:30
Maybe then it isn't Randall Jarell, because I thought the poem was a present for his dying wife? There's that short story writer, a kind of writer's writer, vaguely working class, American, very funny sometimes. Truly, my mind's like a siev, which I guess is how you spell it.
Declan
Posted by KramericaIndustries on June 18, 2006, at 3:10:19
In reply to Trigger Trigger Trigger. alcohol SI, posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 19:50:34
Some thoughts...> And the best is yet to come. Nitrous Oxide NO!
The summer after I graduated from high school before going off for my first attempt at college (now in my 3rd attempt with only 3 semesters left), this dude I worked with at a restaurant also had a job at this company that supplied various gases (cryogenics supply?) to welders and other companies. Anyways the guy had access to big asz tanks of nitrous. OMG!! We would suck on those tanks for hours. Talk about loosin some brain cells...While one person was hitting it, there would need to be others around him/her so she wouldn't fall over and get knocked in the noggin with the tank. Those were some crazy sessions. Ah to be young white trash in arizona in the summer...
>The only thing left is disinhibition.One of the best parts of intoxication is making up words...whheeee....
>I'm listening to the biggest liar in the world, right inside my very own head. saying bad things to me.
It sounded like you don't drink too much these days, so why didn't you just enjoy it, instead of getting all negative?? Obviously there are deeper issues with the cutting and all, but take it easy girl, being alone ain't so bad. Life could be a lot worse than just dealing with the demons in our heads. Look at Beethoven. He was the greatest composer in the world during his life, and he went fcking deaf...DEAF!!! Yet the dude overcame suicidal ideation and kept composing. He may not have been happy, but he kept on truckin'.
BTW maybe different meds could be a consideration...Just a thought. Hope all is well.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 9:32:24
In reply to Re: A healthy, therapeutic dose of fukitol, posted by KramericaIndustries on June 18, 2006, at 3:10:19
>
> Some thoughts...
>
> > And the best is yet to come. Nitrous Oxide NO!
>
> The summer after I graduated from high school before going off for my first attempt at college (now in my 3rd attempt with only 3 semesters left), this dude I worked with at a restaurant also had a job at this company that supplied various gases (cryogenics supply?) to welders and other companies. Anyways the guy had access to big asz tanks of nitrous. OMG!! We would suck on those tanks for hours. Talk about loosin some brain cells...While one person was hitting it, there would need to be others around him/her so she wouldn't fall over and get knocked in the noggin with the tank. Those were some crazy sessions. Ah to be young white trash in arizona in the summer...okay- never did NO to that extent. just a hit or two off the whipping cream can.
>
>
> It sounded like you don't drink too much these days, so why didn't you just enjoy it, instead of getting all negative?? Obviously there are deeper issues with the cutting and all, but take it easy girl, being alone ain't so bad. Life could be a lot worse than just dealing with the demons in our heads. Look at Beethoven. He was the greatest composer in the world during his life, and he went fcking deaf...DEAF!!! Yet the dude overcame suicidal ideation and kept composing. He may not have been happy, but he kept on truckin'.
>
I do enjjoy it at first, but then the euphoria wears off and leaves neagtivity in its wake.by the way- Beethoven- not happy. Perhaps a better analogy would be Rober Schumann. He had a devastating depression. His wife, Clara had to take up performing and composing to support the family while her husband was incapacitated. Robert threw himself into the Rhine, but was fished out. Clara apparently destroyed some of his scores because she detected madness, and didn't want that to be part of Schumann's legacy.
-ll
> BTW maybe different meds could be a consideration...Just a thought. Hope all is well.
>yeah, I just saw pdoc a few days ago. we upped cymbalta from 60-90 mg, to try to get better response. I'm trying to ride out some pretty severe depression right now. (see my lovely crisis on "Social") trying to hang in there, see if things work out. I also see T weekly. Thanks for your concern & input. I appreciate it
Posted by KramericaIndustries on June 19, 2006, at 1:28:48
In reply to Re: A healthy, therapeutic dose of fukitol » KramericaIndustries, posted by llrrrpp on June 18, 2006, at 9:32:24
Poor Schumann must have been bummed when they 'saved' him. They dried him off and sent him to the asylum to rot and die within a couple years. That Clara was quite a trooper, though, being able to deal with that guy and eight kids as well as keeping up her piano chops. I wonder why she didn't stay hooked up with Brahms? Maybe she missed the drama and he was just too stable for her.
I took Cymbalta for a while and that's what my mom is on, but if I recall correctly, it wasn't that great. 300 mgs of EffexorXR seem to be working much better for me. Its just sucks about the drowsiness and the night sweats. Oh, and the dreams...So bizarre. I'm also bummed how the meds don't seem to jive with my favorite beverage, the holy Mickey's 40. After I polish one off, the next couple of days ain't too hot. So thirsty though...
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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