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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2009, at 4:01:42
menu rotates half as much
they lose my desserts twice as much
they have the same color scheme
(guess someone told them that particular shade of green was calming)
doctors and registrars are local
:-o
that is kind of novel
or to be fair mine are (for once in my life)
but it seems that most, indeed, aren't.doc is nice. think there is a 'turf issue'
my doc actually thought to get a little more responsive with me
via text message
once i told him i was admitted to the psych wardtrouble with night staff already
i'm doing my best not to be borderline
not to be borderline at all
no staff splitting: rule number 1
it happened anyway
i've never met anyone so 'directive'
so able to completely ignore reason
in my life
(except for my mother and step-mother of course)
the doc just needs to say 'and let things be thus'
but guys simply don't seem able to stand up to reason resistent women
what must i do to compete with that?
a little hysteria myself?????
i didn't go there.
was patient
what is three days when i have a deadline on a book contract for the first?
what is three days of being literally screamed at to 'go to bed' at midnight
when my best working hours are between midnight and three in the morning
what do i have to do that is so special before eleven am
what the f*ck??????!i was good
it was triggering
mum and dad
beautiful. thats just brilliant
i've been very very good
got the whole curling up and wishing myself out of existence thing going on
its ok
i'm not seething
one must be good
polite
grateful
idealizing
attempt something approximating attractive
i've been good
i am good
so quiet you wouldn't even know i exist.its ok.
sorted now. just now.
hasn't quite sunk in yet.if i stop repressing for five i'll realize i don't need to repress
something of a power poem
internet f*ck*ng rip off bastards...i'm ok
i'll be okay
seeing t this friday (wish me luck)i saw an inconsolable infant in the ER
crying 'mummy mummy' over and over
other lady was trying to console
inconsolable
weird... would like being held and rocking
but slightly autistic about it
'mummy mummy'
maybe that is what it is
the unconsolable
shudder
shudder
valium calls
i'm safe
i'm okay
i'll be okay
publication will suck sh*t but get it i will
goodnight.
Posted by 10derHeart on June 24, 2009, at 16:03:05
In reply to hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2009, at 4:01:42
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 5:18:29
In reply to hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2009, at 4:01:42
Thanks 10.
It is going okay, actually. Maybe because I'm in a better place than I have been on some previous admissions. In the world, I mean. Have this deadline and it really is important to me so it is something to keep me focused in on work as well as having my mental breakdown lol.
The nurses are pretty good to talk to. A couple who try - but difficulties relating. And a couple who are really just very good indeed to talk to. That helps. And a couple who give really terrific hugs which helps a lot as well. And even those who I can't really talk to genuinely mean well and seem very well intentioned and that helps, too. So... Going well, yeah.
Couple of people who are really very ambivalent about getting better. Vacillation between wanting to get better and sneaking opportunities for drugs etc. I'm part of an older set, now. I remember when... Things are going better for me, yeah.
The doc is nice. I was lucky to get him (lucky lucky any other option wouldn't have gone quite as well, I think). They are being really very good about me retaining responsibility - making my own decisions about leave and when I go for good etc. I brought it up for the first time today. Came back to my office to work for a couple hours and... I forgot what a wonderful place this is to work. I... Want out now. That is good. I halfheartedly brought up and endorsed Friday but now I'm in the spirit of TOMORROW PLEASE :-)
And come and see the doc on Friday after seeing my T for the second time. They have someone looking into 'alternative options' for me. I'll see what is there. Write something for my T on thursday. I'm very ambivalent about whether we are best to try and continue or not. Guess we need to talk about logistics such as how often he can see me and what other options I might have etc.
The registrar is there every day whereas the doc only three times a week. First time I met with her (without him) we had a good talk. Actually, first time I saw the doc we had a good talk, too. I think... They have both been pretty hands off since then 'can we talk to you for 5 minutes?' Trying not to get me attached... That is probably pretty wise. Jeepers I'm pathetic... I wish I could work with the registrar... Or him... I just want someone who wants to work with me twice a week. Someone who I can talk to who I can hold in mind so I can be as productive as I can be. God I'm pathetic. I hate me :-(
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 5:22:18
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 5:18:29
I think they are kinda like washing machines.
Or maybe it is that puppies are more like washing machines than is commonly supposed.
Don't get me wrong the heartache seems particular and not just any other can soothe...
But the paticularities seem to have more to do with the kind of relationship
For me at any rate
Not just anyone can fulfill that role for me
But different people can
I just need someone to to function
(I'll mourn past hurts and losses don't get me wrong)
But I just need someone to function
Someone... Someone...
Who I click with
Who wants to work with me.I wish I didn't need anybody. I wish I didn't.
Or I wish I could get what I needed from the world.
From my supervisors or friends or by some combination of the two.
Other people seem to be able to do that.
I don't.
Part of my freak-out was realizing that most others here do a lot more socially than me
I'm actually quite isolated - but I'm actually quite lonely
I simply don't know how to relate
Don't know how to do itI'm going to join the gym.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 7:07:27
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 5:22:18
do you think if i say 'i wish i could work with you' in a very small voice to the registrar it will work? i can do big eyes.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 23:16:07
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 7:07:27
Maybe the thing to do is to ask specifically whether there are any registrars who would be in the position to work with me twice a week until the end of next year (should be done by then). There might be a place for it if they have a psychotherapy component to their training or something. Dunno. Tried to look into psychoanalytic societies but less luck than the US (where I found some lovely retired guy who helped me find someone).
It is just that... Once a week isn't enough. If I could see my t twice a week then... I'd work through this with him. Or... I'd try anyways. 'Cause Dinah is right (of course she is). But once a week... I'll still be mad at him by the end of next year at that rate.
I guess I need to just say this to him. So then... If there is an option for me to work with someone else more frequently then (so long as we click okay) I need to do that. Or maybe... We will just work together at any rate and I'll simply be mad at him for a year or whatever... But having options (or knowing that I genuinely do) is still really important to me because when Dad left I didn't have any. And my t is an abandoning a-hole. Oh yes he is.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 23:39:38
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 23:16:07
i have to work now. i have overnight leave if i need / want but i want to go back to hospital and the last bus runs at 11pm. its 2.30pm now. i have to finish the thing i'm writing by tomorrow morning at the very latest so need to be up until its finished. i want to go back to hospital tonight so i need to work now. go on alex. work. work NOW. i'm just playing on the ((((((internet))))) i've missed it so much. my office is a lovely place to work now. have my ((((((own office)))))) rather than sharing a space and the department administrator has been wonderful with organizing (((((external monitor with external moveable stand that can be set to portrait))))) and ((((a phone)))) and ((((wireless keyboard)))) and i've done a scavenge and found cool stuff like ((((comfy chair)))) and ((((speakers for music))) and a (((decent heater))). and still... i procrastinate. i'm really lucky really. most grad students get dingy dungeons with many others and no natural lighting. really lucky indeed. why can't i work? work dammit. WORK NOW. going to do it. See ya in a couple days.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 23:42:08
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 23:39:38
Institutionalization i think they call it.
Bottom lip quivers.
No fair.
Posted by twinleaf on July 2, 2009, at 16:22:11
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2009, at 23:42:08
Oh. It;s hard to imagine the pain of going through all that. But isn't it OK to accept that you have, right now. a lot of the pain that people who are borderline have- they have never had any kind of good maternal attachment, and just can't self-regulate or self-soothe. Please don't hate yourself for that.
I HOPE you can find a therapist whom you can see twice a week and can work the attachment and self-regulating issues through with him/her, taking as many years as you need. I'm lots older than you, but when I was in my 20's and 30's I had a diagnosis of BPD also. When I finally found the right therapist (psychoanalyst in my case), it was on my third therapist try, in my early 30's. I saw him twice a week for just two years, but I felt and acted entirely different afterwards, I just didn't feel that horrible, unassuageable longing any longer. I finished my post-doctoral training, met and married a really good guy (before, I felt I couldn't possibly marry anyone, even though I dated all the time), and we have one really wonderful son, who is now a physicist at Princeton. In fact, we have a wonderful physicist daughter-in-law and a beautiful new grandson! I really did overcome almost all of the incredibly painful symptoms associated with BPD. There were many years of happiness and well-being (not perfect, of course!) What I have now is quite different- it's a depression caused by all the members of my family- including younger brothers- dying all at once- and being very cold and abusive to me as they did so, even though, as a doctor, I was trying my best to make sure they had the best and most compassionate care possible. I know I am more vulnerable than average, so something like this was more likely to happen to me. Still. I can tell you with certainty that it has been many years since I had BPD. I feel certain that the treatment I had cured me of it.
I will say, honestly, that I did have some things that helped me be more resilient in dealing with the BPD. I have a good mind, am generally well-liked, have a lot a varied interests, and had enough energy to keep going and get a good education and career. But I have to tell you Alex, I think you have these qualities more than I do. The one crucial thing is to get the right therapist! Be very choosy. I was cured of BPD, and you can be, too- you deserve it so much.
There are so many things which shine forth in your posts, even when you are feeling awful- your very high intelligence, your interests, your ability to work and accomplish a lot even when you are suffering- and a kind of intangible: your love of, and commitment to life itself. I want to add one more thing: you write exceptionally well. It is often beautiful and moving to us, even though it may have been written in haste, without much thought. It is a wonderful gift to have, and might be something you would want to develop at some point.
I hope you will be able to tell us, soon, that you have found a great therapist.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 15, 2009, at 0:29:25
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world » alexandra_k, posted by twinleaf on July 2, 2009, at 16:22:11
Thanks. I'm not quite sure what to say... I feel... Embarrassed, I guess.
I am continuing to work with my t. It was touch and go there for a while... Being in hospital for a time really helped me. Got back into my work in hospital (couldn't work prior). Then got back into my work at work with leave. Now... Well... Conferences ever since, really. Halfway through the second one now... Halfway through the whole conference thing. Exhausted. Pretty full on going from hospital to that. Kind of looking forward to getting back home now.
A huge part of it... Was having some (kind of limited admittedly) contact with the p-docs in hospital. Some sense of something approximating 'options' for therapy. My p-doc was apologetic to me about what happened... But words words more words lose any sense of meaning at times (like Bob's apologies don't at all seem related to behavior change which isn't really an apology at all as I learned in DBT). So... Hard to know. But then he wrote 'professional courtesy' emails to the docs in hospital to say that he would see me at such and such a date at such and such a time. That he had seen me. That he was there basically. A promise to me doesn't mean a great deal with the whole breakdown in trust thing. A promise to them - a professional courtesy promise - meant something, however.
So... He is there. Only once a week. But he is there. And I will cope, I guess. That seems manageable now.
I'm exhausted and I kinda want to go home.
I don't quite fit in here. Philosophy... Starting to think this isn't quite my bag. So hard... My interests aren't mainstream is the problem. And... The 'smartest minds' don't have those interests. And those who are interested in my area typically don't have the 'smartest minds'. Hard... I'm kinda marginalizing myself given my interests. I'm not at home yet.
Posted by Partlycloudy on July 15, 2009, at 7:45:28
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on July 15, 2009, at 0:29:25
Posted by alexandra_k on July 29, 2009, at 2:29:03
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on July 15, 2009, at 0:29:25
Things kind of aren't the same
Don't know if they will come to be that way, with time
Or whether things have shifted in a way that there is no going back.
I can't believe that you didn't know that I just wanted to see you again.
I can't believe that you didn't know that I needed to see you again.
I just can't believe that you didn't know.
How well do you know me?
Do you know me at all?
Could I have been so wrong?
I don't know that anything can make that better.
I mean, things are better in the sense that now you know
And now you are taking steps so that we can see each other more often
But I can't believe that you didn't know.
Do you know me at all?
How could I have been so wrong?And it isn't your fault, of course.
It's not something that I'm holding against you.
But some aspect of trust or faith or hope or something...
Is gone.
Do you know me at all?
How could I have been so wrong?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2009, at 23:02:21
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on July 29, 2009, at 2:29:03
Went to the gym last wednesday and they said I needed medical clearance before they could give me a program because of my injuries (and because a 26 year old dropped dead of a heart attack in a group fitness class (some congenital weakness) couple weeks back). They aren't liable so long as there is a medical clearance, apparently.
Got my program yesterday. The guy showed me how to use the weight machines etc. I was a bit worried because he was putting the weights on about 3, and after 4 or 5 reps with the technique he was showing me I was beyond wobble. Feeling like I was going to drop the weight (not sure if you are meant to push through that or if you really might drop the weight so shouldn't push past that). Didn't think that there was any way that I could do the 3 sets of 10 reps that I was meant to do... Figured out today that probably the reason why he was being avoidant about the `what weight setting should I use'? issue was basically because I need to start on the lowest setting (without the pin in the machine even) in order to get the reps done with the proper technique. That is cool, though, at least the program seems doable now. And with his setting them higher initially I could see what muscles the machines are supposed to be targeting (and what muscles I should tense to add resistance to).
It is kinda funny to watch the people with the machines set on higher weights do what they need to do in order to lift the weight two or three times (then look around a little to see who is impressed). I guess the idea (for me) is to not worry about the weight, and just get the technique right adding as much resistance as I can to the last set in particular. Don't want to kill myself and not go back, too.
Feel kinda good. Like I've lightly been run over by a steam roller. But just lightly. Not completely flattened. Spine and ab exercises are hardest for me (core strength). Forgotten how to do the spine stretch one already... Still, going in around 10 or 11 am seems to work out well as the buff people aren't really in there then (or are in the weights room which doesn't matter to me). I think... This might actually work out for me :-)
Day 1 and 3: Upper body
Day 2: Lower body
One RPM (cycling) group class
One balance (pilates / yoga) group class
One `catch up' day of whatever I feel I should do
One day rest.Lets see how long I can keep this up...
:-)
Turns out that there is this blow up plastic wobbly disk that people use to work their feet / legs, too. He said that it can be a bit hard to find it in the gym... But that I should invest in one for home, or two if I find it particularly useful. That sounds perfect for working the muscles in my feet.
Lets see how long I can keep this up...
Posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2009, at 23:11:28
In reply to Re: hospitals round the world, posted by alexandra_k on August 1, 2009, at 23:02:21
I'm really hoping that this will work out and that I'll stick with it. I guess a huge part of it is worrying about what other people are up to and seeing them do stuff that I simply can't do. Feeling pretty puffed after 10 minutes on the bike and some people run or use the elliptical for an hour... But I guess I've just started lol and the idea is to worry more about yourself and less about others. I think the classes in particular will be hard for that. Just set myself down the back and do the best I can. Will get better if I go. Wouldn't be any point if that wasn't the case, I guess.
Am feeling better for it, though. Not feeling quite as `creaky' as I did before (and it has only been two days lol).
Giving up smoking in two weeks on Saturday. The gum plan. Wish me luck...
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