Posted by Racer on July 2, 1999, at 0:54:21
Honestly, if you think this is getting boring, think how I feel about it. Since August 1998, I've been miserable. Just plain miserable. First Serzone, now Effexor XR, and still miserable. I'm not sleeping properly, at night I get more despondent than I can cope with. Sometimes in the day, I think I can get through, but the night comes and I know better. Even in the day, I think a lot about killing myself. I think about it in terms of when, not if.
The county will now transfer me to the main clinic, but they will not return my calls to set up an appointment. When I actually spoke with the woman in charge, she said that she would expedite an appointment for me, since they usually take a month or more to make. The way I'm feeling these days, I won't make it another month. I told the woman there what the doctor had said, that this was a sign that I had too many problems and that no medication would help me. I told her that I'd told the doctor that I was suicidal, and she ignored it. But it still feels as though I'm having to fight too hard and just want to give up.
The sleeping is getting worse. I didn't realize how bad it was until I stayed the night at my mother's, and was up until 5:30 AM, and slept until almost 9. Now I've been watching, and I'm sleeping from about 2:30 until 4, and then from about 5:30 until 8:30. That's the average night. Some nights are worse. Some are better. No wonder I feel so tired and miserable all day. Worse, in a way, is that I lie in bed and read for a while before trying to sleep. I'll feel OK then, but as soon as the light is out, I'm crying and miserable all over again. And since it's so late, there's no one I can call. (Thank goodness for the internet. At least I can feel as though I'm communicating my pain to someone, even if I never see anyone.)
I'm not motivated to do anything at all. All I want to do is sleep, or read obsessively. In the past week, I've had an outbreak of shingles, and also broken my foot. It really seems like a nightmare.
Please, someone tell me that it really won't be like this if we can find a decent doctor and adjust the meds. I can't begin to tell you how miserable I am. I really don't want to die, but honest to god I can't take this much more! Help me.
poster:Racer
thread:8123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990628/msgs/8123.html