Posted by Racer on August 20, 1999, at 0:32:43
In reply to Update on me. and a couple other questions., posted by Rob on August 19, 1999, at 6:20:50
Oh, Rob, you do know that you have to stop, don't you? Of course you don't want to stop, but that's just the fear and the demon of addiction. No, I'm not a religious wacko, I just think of some of my own problems as being demons. I have had three demons in my life, or four, depending on how I count them. One demon was the drug demon, he's the one who made it so hard and so FRIGHTENING for me to say no to drugs, or to stop taking them. The next demon was the anorexia demon, the one that told me that he could kill all the other demons if only I'd make myself worthy by being thin enough. Then there's the BIG demon, the depression demon. The depression demon actually rules the others, because if I get control over him, the others have to hide, too.
What I know is this: if someone came in here right now, with drugs, almost any drugs, and offered them to me, I would probably say yes. That's what I know after being totally clean for over a decade, and despite the fact that I find people who take drugs to be really boring. Trust me, there's nothing more unforgiveable to me than being boring. Yet I'd make myself boring by taking drugs, if there were drugs in front of me. What does that tell you? It tells me that that demon is powerful, but that I'm more powerful. I know it doesn't sound that way, but despite my suspicion that I'd take drugs again, I'm still clean. You know why? I'm strong enough to know my weakness in this area, and make decisions accordingly. Conscious decisions, not that fake, "gee, I really didn't know that there would be drugs here, so it's not really my fault, and I can take them and make an excuse..." Decisions like not going somewhere where it's likely that I'll be tempted. Not having friends who are disrespectful of me and show me drug related behavior after I've made my feelings about it clear. I don't ever crave drugs anymore, but I also know that I am very likely to be weak in their presence.
So, fight your demon. You are strong enough. Hell, if I could do it, anyone can! C'mon, Rob, you can do it, and I'll help any way I can!
Lots of people in the recovery movements say that ADs are just another drug, signs of the addiction. Not true, ADs are going after the root cause, not the symptoms. Right now, you want to ease your pain and your fears. The street drugs and the ritalin may make you think that they can do it, but it only lasts a little while, and then everything is worse. What you need is for the windows to be opened, the light let in to show you that the monsters under the bed are not real. What you saw in the half-light was only a shadow, nothing to be afraid of.
Good luck to you, and my warmest thoughts going your way. It's even worse to go through something like this feeling alone, and you're NOT! My only regret in my own case was that I wasted so much time taking the drugs when I could have been LIVING my life, and finding so much more to be happy about.
poster:Racer
thread:10337
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19990814/msgs/10408.html