Posted by dove on September 30, 1999, at 9:18:45
In reply to Re: Suicide-Another confession..., posted by Bob on September 30, 1999, at 0:03:14
I have a recurring vision of taking my life. When I'm depressed it sits in my mind like salvation. But, all my tears and apathy don't mature the vision. Sometimes I sink lower because my mind views this as failure and a deep moral weakness, that is, the inability to accomplish this act. When I come out of that dark place and regain some energy I am intent on fulfilling this end. My mind rolls the process over and over, with absolute clarity in the wisdom of doing a disappearing act. My mantra is that my children would greatly benefit from this.
THEN, I am up too high, my intellect apparently forgets and dismisses these ideas as hogwash. I turn that corner full-speed ahead. And, the cycle begins again.
Just 2 days ago, I was right there, looking forward to the future, convinced that there was hope. Pleased with this new enlightenment that would give me definition and some tools to fight the beast. Yesterday I fell down hard, I could hardly move, although I was able to still connect with my kids and love them, which is a good sign. But yesterday I couldn't see it, today I'm able to write with some clarity and hindsight.
I am angry for some reason, I am angry at my brain and the doctors and the beast. I don't want this thing, even if it has a name. Yuck! I can feel myself emerging to higher ground as I write this, I just needed to ramble on I guess.
Thank you all for being here, I cannot express my gratitude enough, for this place is a shelter for my weary mind.
~dove
poster:dove
thread:12211
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991001/msgs/12305.html