Posted by Noa on October 19, 1999, at 9:02:58
In reply to Re: Whatever, posted by Noa on October 19, 1999, at 1:40:44
Janey, mood is everything.
Last night I was a bit pollyannaish, I think, because my mood was good. Today I feel like grossness personified. I was thinking yet again about your post re: feeling like a failure. I feel that a lot, too, but when my mood is good, I can defend against it better so that it doesn't consume me and paralyze me and eat me from inside. Other times, I am not so well defended from that core self concept of being bad, no good, disgusting, repulsive, etc. etc. When I am in my worst depressions, I am convinced of those things. When in a good mood, I can see them as self perceptions related to my long history of depression, as well as resulting in the lack of empathy my mom had for me when I was a kid.
Ok, so today, my mood is "eh". Today is my morning off, and I have no clean clothes to wear. I was planning to be up at regular time, do laundry, collect stuff to go to the cleaners, etc. But I couldn't get up on time. I struggled with myself about calling in sick, and decided not to because there are people depending on me to be there today. I rushed and got two small loads in (I have to go out of the building and around the corner to use the laundry machines), got myself a cup of coffee and a bagel, and zoomed right back here to connect to you guys. I feel gross. My apartment is as gross as one could imagine. REALLY GROSS. Since I haven't showered yet today (waiting for clothes to be clean), my person is gross, too. Ironically, I have a gross next door neighbor. He is developmentally disabled. A few months ago the neighbors all got together to complain about him to the management, because the smell coming from his apartment was beginning to become intolerable. I was the only one not to sign the petition. I felt a less adversarial route should be attempted first. So I advised the manager to insist that the neighbor's closest relative come to talk about how to deal with it. I told them he is likely eligible for some kind of home care services. Anyway, his mother and stepfather came from out of state for the "smell summit". They sent a letter to the neighbors telling us that a homemaker would be visiting regularly to clean the apartment and advise him on regular hygiene, etc. With my not going in on the petition, one of the neighbors was irritated with me. Now, because my own apartment is super, yes I'll use that word again, gross, I always slink in and out, making sure to NEVER leave the door open enough for anyone to see in. But I started getting really paranoid and noticed this one neighbor, the petition leader, trying to sneak a look inside my den of grossness. Oy. I also worry that some plumbing in the building will break and the super will have to come in to my apartment to fix it and will see how disgusting it is. I want to clean it, and have several times, it just keeps reverting to its state of wildness. My therapist calls it my "lair". It is a bit like the hideaway of some animal that hoardes trash and junk. Total chaos, mixture of recycling, trash, dirty clothes, papers, important stuff, nonimportant stuff all mixed together covering every spot of floor and furniture. I haven't used my kitchen in many many months, what with the piled up stuff in there. I use plastic forks and buy as mucn prepared foof as I can (also not good for finances). It has progressed I think from a symptom of my depression to one of OCD or something. It is way too overwhelming to deal with. My personal habits have become so incredibly gross and I am amazed at it myself. But it is like I dissociate about it all. I survive by not really seeing it. ANd I live this dual life--inside the apartment and outside, although now my car is starting to look like my apartment, too.
So, Janey, a long-winded way of telling you some of the ways I feel like a failure, too. writing this has been helpful. I laughed at some of it as I was writing, and humor is always healing. Coming out of the deep depression makes me face the mess, literally, and figuratively (all the friendships I have abandoned, financial problemsm, etc.) that my life has become, and what is more depressing than that? But I still do believe (pollyanna here) that there is hope. I get that belief, in large part, from my connection with all of you here on this board. Gotta go, late for putting the wash in the dryer. Oy, I am going to be late for work, which always makes me hate myself a little, as it confirms that feeling of failure. So hard to break away from Babble.....
poster:Noa
thread:13268
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/19991016/msgs/13417.html