Posted by KarenB on March 13, 2000, at 10:46:42
In reply to What's Your Educated Guess?, posted by anonymous on March 12, 2000, at 20:13:28
Greetings Anonymous,
I too have spent a lifetime hating myself and being mad as hell, in my case because of undiagnosed Bipolar II disorder, since early childhood. I can remember my first cases of physical depression and mania as early as age six.
When I am depressed, every ounce of energy is sucked from my body and mind. In this case I have hated myself for being "lazy and ineffective." When I have had mildly violent outbursts (mostly verbal) I have hated myself for being mean and have been utterly shocked at my own behavior. I tried talk therapy and worked though a lot of pain (Dad's alcoholism, etc.), rather successfully and still felt like crap. Then I hated myself for not getting better.
I don't know what is wrong, in your case - it could be many things BUT the thing that has given me hope and helped me to stop hating myself is this: Knowing that there is definitely something chemically imbalanced in my brain, knowing I am not responsible for making it that way and taking much of my recovery into my own hands. Research! You know, with the internet, you have a wealth of information in your own home. Find out which neurotransmitters are whacked. This is an incredibly painful process for most, finding the right meds but it is worth it. If you have been on seratonin reuptake drugs (SSRIs) and they haven't worked, they are most likely not working on the real problem. Mine, for example, is Dopamine. When I take drugs that inhibit the reuptake of dopamine, I feel like a human being...and, I've got to tell you, that feels good.
Best of health to you. Fight for your sanity and wellness - it is possible.
KarenB
poster:KarenB
thread:26793
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000312/msgs/26857.html