Posted by Adam on March 15, 2000, at 10:50:02
In reply to Re: you probably figured it out......but, posted by harry b. on March 14, 2000, at 22:41:50
When I went through my "I must be gay if..." thing my doctor educated me on a rather important fact: "Gay", "Straight", and even "Bi" just aren't very useful catagories to put people in when you get right down to individual habits and predilections. There is, of course, the Kinsey scale, which has somewhat more gradation, but still. As I said above, people like what they like. If someone forced me to tell them "what I am" I think the only factual statement I could give would be "I prefer women and I have never been with a man."Humans like to catagorize, and don't deal very well with ambiguity. I'm as guilty of this as anyone, and perhaps am a little more flexible in the realm of sexuality only because my sometimes pathological intolerance for ambiguity necessitated such an adaptation. I'm happier now because of it, and I'm sure I would be more happy in a general sense if I could manage to be less black-and-white in my thinking.
Apropos, harry, you might try dispensing with the whole idea of looking at people (including yourself) as gay or straight or whatever and just think of them the way you think of people who like sushi or can't stand it, or have some other list of preferences that would be a bit silly to catagorize into constricting cubbyholes (I may be weird, but I think there's something sexual going on with sushi, oysters on the half-shell, and the like...wasabi...oh boy).
It's a tough thing to do, no question. Society, as it exists, almost necessitates sexual ghettoization, with right-wingers and left-wingers and various other advocacies variably attacking and reconciling with one another all the time. I find it quite amusing now to listen to people grapple with what they heard about so-and-so who is a lesbian (isn't she?) but hooked up with such-and-such guy that one night, and does that mean she's bi, or maybe confused, or what, because, after all, she is very pretty... I mean, who cares WHAT she is? She's not confused, it's everyone else trying to figure her out who are confused.
So, you know, you like what you like. Maybe now and then a woman appeals to you. Maybe you just prefer men who don't fit the "mincing queen" stereotype, and because of all the pejorative crap that's been thrown at you by society about "feminine affectations" you feel uncomfortable around them to boot. There are plenty of men of all proclivities who have "machismo", so you won't have a hard time findng someone there.
I'm learning all the time that if you can manage not to can and label people, you feel better about them and about yourself. It's terribly difficult not to do, and I'm hardly a big success in that regard. But I know it's true all the same, and I know it will work for you, too.
Best of luck!
> Thank You Janet R, Cass, bigbertha, NikkiT, Cam W.
> Noa, darling, kazoo, and especially Adam. I feel
> kinda validated by your responses.
>
> Adam, your post was awesome. That took a lot of
> courage. Thanks so much.
>
> I once knew a woman who felt so alone and wanted
> some form of intimacy. She said to me "I just wish
> I had someone to ask me 'would you like a cup of
> tea, dear?'."
>
> That is similar to my need. Sex can be loving, fun,
> intense. I want someone to come home to and watch
> TV with. I want a companion to sail with me.
> I want to hold & be held. I want to hug and kiss
> and hear someone snoring next to me. If there is
> sex, great. But sex is not the most important
> thing for me.
>
> I know there is no way I will be flamboyant, that's
> not my style.
>
> I don't have a family or close friends to come out
> to. I should begin with the new friend I met in
> the hospital, but, yikes!, I sure don't want to
> lose him so soon. He's very open and compassionant,
> we hug each other, but he is in his 60's
> (I think I've got a crush on him, those hugs feel
> so good) and a VERY devout Christian. I will
> broach the subject carefully to try to get his
> opinion.
>
> I'd like to say more, about not fitting in or being
> uncomfortable in the presence of other gay men, but
> I'm sleepy, so goodnight everyone, and thanks again.
>
poster:Adam
thread:26935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000312/msgs/27097.html