Posted by Mark H. on March 17, 2000, at 18:55:07
In reply to Clueless, posted by Cass on March 17, 2000, at 18:03:31
I don't know if I made it clear in my earlier post that I cross-posted Tom's message here. Do not assume that he has read your comments unless you have written to him at the email address given in his posting (tfo@cbsnews.com).
Cass -- I was corresponding with people on the sleep forum who were freaked out about having sex while they were asleep. One young man sounded like his partner didn't mind and even enjoyed it, but he would have no memory of it at all when she would tell him all the things he did during the night, including oral sex with her and intercourse. Another woman complained that her husband would fondle her while he was asleep and make rude comments (in keeping with the reptile brain at work when his consciousness was catching zzzzz's). A man wrote that his wife says he masturbates in his sleep, and she found it "offensive." Most of the people I corresponded with were in relatively benign situations. I had two concerns: that sleep sex, if untreated, could lead to non-consensual sex and be interpreted as rape; and that sex that involved REM-breakthrough violence (intended against an antagonist in a dream) could lead to injury or worse.
In most situations of sleep-acting of any kind, including masturbation, petting, intercourse, sleepwalking, talking, moaning, laughing, singing, crying, flailing about, etc., the sleep partner mainly needs to realize that his or her partner is NOT acting consciously and does NOT choose his behavior. Patience, humor and forgiveness are in order; separate beds may be necessary.
My first wife was a mousy, geniusy librarian -- tiny and shy, quiet and soft-spoken. In the middle of the night, while sound asleep, she would curse me out in a loud voice using language I had never heard from a highly educated woman. Why get mad? It wasn't really her. It was good for a laugh, and my job was to sooth her until she could regain some peace in her sleep.
Since this forum has infinitely more open, articulate and experienced people on it, I was hoping some of the regular readers might have had sleep sex experience and could help Tom with his research.
I emailed him privately this morning suggesting that a more relevant and wide-reaching theme would be the sexual dysfunction that literally millions of us who take psychiatric drugs experience. I have no idea whether he is interested or not, but it would certainly apply to a large section of his audience, and he probably wouldn't have to leave his own office to find someone to interview on camera.
I apologize if I've caused any confusion by cross-posting Tom's letter to the sleep forum -- I don't know if he is even aware of this forum. Whether you wish to contact him is entirely up to you; if you do, you need to take the initiative.
poster:Mark H.
thread:27311
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000312/msgs/27382.html