Posted by bob on May 12, 2000, at 21:40:22
In reply to Re: How Well Do You Know Your Therapist?, posted by harry b. on May 12, 2000, at 19:33:31
... well, no, not really. No begging about it.
Sure, sometimes it seems like we should be sitting at Starbucks instead of in her office.
My therapist's office is one room of her apartment. Her "waiting area" is the big, open living space with the high ceilings that are so lovely in Upper West Side prewar buildings, with the usual kitchenette just off of it. Besides playing with her cats and admiring her paintings, both completed and works-in-progress (one sat on her easel for over a year without being touched), there are the interesting yoga devices she has (including one that looks like its from a torture chamber, if you ask me!) and hundreds of books. No TV, an ancient PC (used, obviously, only for keeping her records ... and not by her, but rather the woman who does her medical billing!), and one of those all-in-one stereos (radio, tape, record player) from 1982 or so. She finally got a portable CD player and it's been astounding to watch her collection mushroom, considering the lack of entertainment/media products before its arrival. A broad range of World Music. Recent deluges of Celtic and Sufi recordings.
For someone like me who has lived his life rather socially withdrawn, spending time with my therapist's life while she finishes her earlier appointments has been an interesting exercise in coming to know someone through the things in which she submerses herself.
Especially her refridgerator -- covered with family photos (she lives alone ... and no, I don't know why) and clippings from Mother Jones or any of the Buddhist magazines she gets.
We've talked about her health problems -- some back issues, some skin issues, other long-term things that are more constant nags than anything threatening, and the alternative med approaches she's taken to alleviate what western medicine has no answers for.
Yes, there have been sessions where we've been "distracted" for the entire time, but I've never felt that my money has been wasted.
You see, in this process, I've come to know enough about who she *is*, without knowing too many of the details of her life, to have developed a deep and abiding trust. She remains a professional without being distant, and I feel that the more I've come to know -- not in my head, but in my heart and gut -- that she is a fellow human being and not some "artificial intelligence" sitting invisibile yet audible at the head of the couch, the more I trust what she has to say. This is particularly important, I think, since although she was trained in a rather classical analytic program, she approaches therapy from multiple perspectives. When she comes at me with a suggestion -- such as a different interpretation of events from the one that comes out of my disordered mindset -- a suggestion that may really sound like it's out on a limb somewhere, she and I both know who it is who's going to go out on that limb to see if the idea is worth consideration.
That trust is built just as much on what she knows of me that lies "outside" of my neuroses. I know that when she starts things off with "So how's Bob been lately?" [yes, she says it "Bob" even though I write it "bob"], I don't have to get "down to business" immediately. I know that whatever we talk about, it all proves important ... maybe not immediately nor directly, but it all contributes to the whole.
I know that she knows me well enough to point out what is good about who I am, and she's not afraid to bring those points up (without the slightest hint of sounding pollyanna-ish) to cut through my tirades of self-hate, to stop me from mentally taking a boxcutter to my insides, and bring back a measure of sanity to my mind.
I know some people think that it's not a therapist's job to provide comfort or the sort of "support" that should, presumably, be the province of family and friends. Yet another application of YMMV -- if you prefer interacting with a minimally-communicative cold dead fish who thinks that showing signs of normal human emotional responses to patients is unprofessional ... well, god bless and enjoy your therapy.
Having isolated myself so much from real human beings, I'm glad there is one human being in my life who refuses to be marginalized without also demanding center stage. She forces me to relate to her as a fellow caring person, but she keeps the focus on me. There is no way she would be able to accomplish this if she didn't respond the way she does.
So yeah, I imagine I know her better than most of you out there know your therapists. I really don't know any of the small-talk sort of details of her life, but that's not what's important in knowing someone, is it? Well, okay, it's important if you're a hopeless gossip, but that ain't me.
I am also certain that she has come to know me in ways I do not know myself ... ways, all the same, that I really need to come to know.
my two cents,
bob
poster:bob
thread:33299
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000508/msgs/33324.html