Posted by me-but-not-me on June 2, 2000, at 21:18:13
In reply to Re: I am having a life-ache...can you relate? » me-but-not-me, posted by Noa on June 2, 2000, at 12:36:08
Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate your candor and sensitivity. Thanks too for your suggestions. Thank you for helping me to not feel so alone.
I haven't posted until now because I was at a severe low point and just stayed in bed. I actually called the local psych e/r and asked about voluntary admission... I haven't yet been hospitalized and did not know what to expect. I have decided to give myself this weekend to ponder this option. I apparantly have insurance through the end of June, and they would pay all costs for up to thirty days, less $500.00. Not bad. But I can't decide.
I was not able to do anything constructive last night. I had a dental appt. yesterday and it left me feeling awful (2 full hours of root canal adventures! yuck -- but I am trying to cram all this stuff in before my insurance is up). All I could do was lie there prone. In my filthy,crowded-with-junk bed. One of the cats pissed on the floor right in front of me because the litter box had stalagmites (or stalactites, I can never get those right!) and I was ignoring (well,trying to!) his incessant meowy complaints about it. I was not able to sleep much but was catatonic most of the night, staring at the pulses of the digital clock in the dark.
One of the cats woke me early (the complainy one) and I could have gotten ready for work, but -- I couldn't make myself move. I was totally immobile. Like something snapped, and the little monkey that turns the cogs in my brain was asleep at the wheel. I just couldn't bear life itself... and since I am NOT suicidal, I am even more miserable because I feel as though there really is no escape. I wallowed in this self-pity mode for two hours more, then came to work very late. No shower, dishevelled, same clothes as yesterday because they were on the top of the pile and didn't have too much cat hair on them. These people are saints not to fire me.Talking on the phone with a doc at the psych e/r helped a bit, and chatting with some people at work helped get me out of my own head long enough to stop feeling that total and utter despair. It also helps to be able to post here, thank you for so patiently reading my drivel. It means a lot.
I will check in again over the weekend. I am house-sitting for a friend and won't be near my computer until Saturday night at least. Thank you all for your good wishes. And, I plan to try to clean off part of my bed on Sunday. It's a twin bed, and I have some major real estate going on in the hip & butt area right now so having the bed stacked with junk just isn't cutting it. I really want to put clean sheets on and actually have a good night's sleep. Wow, I guess that means I have a goal?
*Me*
poster:me-but-not-me
thread:35441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000526/msgs/35775.html