Posted by harry b. on June 25, 2000, at 22:10:39
Took forever to connect this evening. Very annoying &
frustrating. If I wasn't so down I'd shut this machine
off & throw it out the window.Don't need advice, don't want advice.
One of my goals is to stop isolating and attempt to
socialize.I tried today. Went to the airport & saw people & talked,
and *everyone* asked me about my ex friend/father-figure/
surrogate family. Wanted to know how they were, what
they were doing, etc, etc.One person even handed me photos taken at his retirement
party. I wanted to look at them but knew I should not.
It was like passing a bad accident on the highway, you
don't want to see the gore but you are compelled to
look.The combination of everyone asking me how he is
(they assume we are still close), and viewing the photos
of the party that I did not attend (a self protection
strategy because I did want to go) knocked me on my ass.Big time.
All those years, memories and conversations are playing
in an endless loop in my head, along with the constant
questions of why the door was slammed in my face. I can't
stop them.Now I'm crying, feeling so rejected & outcast, and having
serious thoughts of suicide again.I hate to even post this but I need to get it out. I feel
utterly lost.Sorry for the downer, folks, but I am one f*cked up
loser tonight.Time to take some serious knock-me-out meds to get
thru the night.
hb
poster:harry b.
thread:38343
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000619/msgs/38343.html