Posted by shar on August 11, 2000, at 13:01:41
In reply to Re: Welcome, posted by dj on August 11, 2000, at 11:42:43
I will agree with all of the above. When I was married there was nothing my spouse could really do to help. I suppose to me, listening without trying to fix things would be really helpful.
Occasionally, if someone gently nudges me to just get out of bed and come and watch tv, I appreciate it as long as there is no hidden agenda that I should be effusive, or happy with them and forget I'm depressed.
Another thing that would work for me was distraction. Like playing cards, or something I usually enjoyed. I might even feel "up" while that was happening, but (in my house) there was the expectation that any up behavior meant I was no longer depressed--not true. So, people would end up getting pissed off at me.
I think it would be hell to live with someone like me. I don't know that anyone could do it (long term) without getting depressed themselves.
You are a very loving, caring person to take these steps, and you are welcome here.
Shar
> >Is there anything I can do for him or for us to make these recurring episodes easier on our >relationship?
>
> Some suggestions from: http://www.undoingdepression.com/faq.html
>
> "7. How can loved ones help a depressed person?
>
> What the depressed person needs most is understanding, patience and acceptance from those close to him. I have a self-help group that meets every week. We have put together a fine list of how loved ones can help:
>
> Try to be considerate, thoughtful, and empathetic. If your spouse had a broken leg, you would expect that their abilities and energy would be restricted, that they would be in pain, and that they can't heal themselves more quickly just because you want them to. Think about depression the same way.
>
> Don't be provocative. Every relationship has the little hot buttons that can start a fight at any time. Dirty socks on the floor, the remote control misplaced, the car low on gas. You know what your partner's buttons are. Don't push them while he/she is in a depressed state.
>
> Small acts of kindness are appreciated, and do help, even if the recipient doesn't reciprocate. When I retreat to bed, my wife makes a point of breaking in to kiss me good night. Even though I sometimes don't act very glad to see her, I would feel worse, lonely and unloved, without her attention.
>
> Easing your partner's burden in small ways can help a great deal. Offer to do the shopping, empty the garbage, do the laundry, take the kids out for pizza. It communicates more than words the feeling that you understand how difficult these mundane chores can seem at times.
>
> "Advance directives" can be a contract loved ones arrange while the sufferer is not depressed, describing what to do when depression sets in. It can be in stages: stage 1 - leave me alone; stage 2 - be kind, patient, and attentive; stage 3 - insist I call my therapist; stage 4 - take me to the hospital. One patient loses her ability to see color when depression sets in. From experience, she has learned to let her husband know when this happens, because she won't let him know when it gets worse.
>
> Take the trouble to educate yourself. Learn all you can about depression. Be willing to talk to your friend's therapist. It is amazing how seeing information in print, or hearing from an authority, can change your perspective. Learning the facts helps you help your friend, and also shows that you care enough to take some trouble."
>
> From a quick scan of what Kath wrote this seems to match and you are doing the educate yourself route. Having hung in as long as you have is a very good sign. The sight cited above and the book it comes from offer some very good insights into the dynamics of depression from the perspective of someone who deals with it both personally and as a mental health care profesional.
>
> Sante!
>
> dj
poster:shar
thread:42576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000811/msgs/42607.html