Posted by Kath on August 12, 2000, at 14:00:24
In reply to Adult ADD/ADHD Relationship Problems..please help, posted by Orion703 on August 12, 2000, at 13:12:26
Hi there - I read your post with interest, because my 16-yr-old son is ADD. I never know, when dealing with him whether he's acting (or NOT acting) like he does (or doesn't) because of ADD or because he's being lazy, irresponsible, etc.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. It must feel awful. I hope you have friends or family with whom you can share your feelings/fears/concerns.
I am wondering how old your fiance is. If he is now using this ADD diagnosis as an excuse to act as he does and thinking it's up to you to "like it or lump it", I'd strongly suggest that you give some very, very serious thought to whether or not you want to share your life with him. It's way better to take some time & make a decision NOW rather than wait, get married, make a couple of babies & THEN decide that you can't take it anymore. Right now, it's just you & him. It sounds like you're feeling pretty p***ed off & I would say, rightly so. The ball is really in your court, I think. If your fiance is fine with being the way he is, it's up to you to decide if you want to continue like this or not. We can't change other people. There was recently a stage play in Toronto, near where I lived called "I Love You - Now Change!" I thought how true-to-life. So often, we might love someone, decide to be with them, and THEN decide to set out trying to change the things we DON'T like about them!!!
Hope you can take some time for yourself, maybe even not see him for a few days to have time to sort out your feelings. Keep in mind, you don't have to HURRY to decide how you feel. Take as much time as you need to. This is your future that you're dealing with.
Keep me "posted", if you want to. I'll be thinking about you.
Warm thoughts, Kath
> My fiancee, whom I've been with for the past 4 years, has just been "diagnosed"... i guess... with ADD.
>
> Things in our relationship were really great up until about a year and a half, almost 2 years ago. Then things started to slowly.. "fall apart", if you will. I've been trying desperately hard to keep things together, because I've known all along that He loves me, he really does. It's not an excuse to fill in a void that makes me out to be dependent on him. He really tries, but from what I've seen, it's a bit too little a bit too late.
>
> So last night, we went to our psychologist, and he returned the results of this ADD questionairre. My fiancee's scores were all very high, all but the "emotive" characteristic. The psychologist told us "that explains alot".
>
> Then it seemed like our relationship problems all of a sudden became a "ME" thing, rather than a "WE" thing, and I really don't know what else to do.
>
> I mean, the psychologist basically said "This is your fiancee, that's who he is, maybe you just can't handle this type of lifestyle with him". I told him I thought that was a BIT unfair to say because I JUST NOW found out that he had -- > what the counselor called a "Mental Disorder". I did not call it a mental disorder, but the counselor said, in all fairness that is what your fiancee has.
>
> So basically, I've been trying to "put things right" for the past ... almost 2 years... and now? I mean, does this ADD diagnosis mean that my fiancee has some sort of convenient excuse to act the way he does? To me, that translates into "my failings are not my fault"... and it really does appear that he just doesn't try for the long haul. He will satisfy for he moment and forget about US for the future. He basically patches things up for the here and now and is right back at the way it was... a few days later.
>
> The counselor said "you've been with him for 4 years and you've never noticed this?" And i told him I did notice little bits and pieces and i brought them up to to my fiancee. I asked him point blank, "is THIS the way you are, because IF it is, I need to know". My fiancee is like a chameleon, he'll change when he senses fear, but when he relaxes he is right back to "HIM?" I guess.
>
> I just feel like all of the responsibility of this relationship is on ME now, because *I* didn't notice? or something. I cried all night last night. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him because I really feel that there is a weight lifted off HIS shoulders because he now has the go ahead to be the way he's being, in our relationship, and if he fails... oh well, its his ADD and i'm just going to have to deal with it.
>
> I feel this is completely unfair.
> Should I hit the "high road"?
>
> Please don't flame me, this has been like having a rock wall falling on me. This just happened last night and I'm lost as to how to put the pieces back together again.
>
> Please E-mail me and/or post here.. i'm open to anything
>
> Thanks
> YahYah
poster:Kath
thread:42692
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000811/msgs/42693.html