Posted by Tori on September 26, 2000, at 3:10:22
In reply to HELP - Negative thoughts, posted by Lankry on September 23, 2000, at 9:29:10
Hi Jodi,
On Saturday, on that day, I, in no particular order,
a) cried my eyes out
b) screamed
c) threw things around the house
d) didn't want to be touched by my boyfriend
e) wanted to die; planned it out; was secretly plotting how I would getmy boyfriend mad at me so it would be easier to leave
f) happier than a fly in horse poop, dancing around the house to 80's music
g) extremely 'frisky' (I won't elaborate.......)When I wanted to die, i really wanted to die, I just started flipping around with my CD's and cranked some music up. I kept myself occupied. I kept trying to find a Nirvana song called something like I want to kill mysef, something like that. I listened to Slayer. Some death metal. Then I just didn't feel it anymore...........I looked at the nirvana CD and I thought, geez, I don't want to be like that....... I got it out of me.
Then I got really stupid and silly and played all of my 80's compilation CD's (it was so bad I even had to pull out my Milli Vanilli CD just to laugh my ass off; oh yeah, I played Vanilla Ice, too (imagine in three years - Eminem = Vanillla Ice -- I can see it coming....)...sorry, got off track there....... Music, for me, is a great relief and can help change any of my moods. Basically all I do is think that "this, too, shall pass" and try to stay away from my boyfriend so I don't hurt his feelings, let myself get angry, talk to myself the reasons why I want to die, kinda self-talk myself out of it, even though it comes from out of the blue, the thoughts ... the thoughts come from out of the blue. I don't think I can 'control' them, I just think that I am good at 'waiting it through' until the pain goes away. I hope this makes sense.... later on that night I really lost it and just cried, and my boyfriend held me in his arms and cried with me, too, and I felt better. I didn't feel so alone and scared anymore.
Fortunately I started the Parnate today so let's hope it makes a difference!
:-)
poster:Tori
thread:45112
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000905/msgs/45302.html