Posted by sweetmarie on March 22, 2001, at 14:43:50
In reply to Re: treatment resistant depre Scot, Sweetmarie, posted by Lorraine on March 20, 2001, at 20:52:47
> {There were a couple of people on the last ward I was in, who had been there over a year, and since his (specialist) plan is to keep me `in` until I`m better, I have visions of becoming one of those saddoes.}
>
> How long does you pdoc tend to keep people in? What's the average?I honestly don`t know, as I have never been treated by this geezer before. He isn`t my regular psychiatrist - he`s a specialist that I have been referred to by my regular psychiatrist.
I suspect he wants this so that he can treat you aggressively, changing meds frequently and monitoring the side effects.
Yes, I imagine you`re right. Also, experience has shown that major drug changes can leave me practically catatonic, which neither myself nor my family (esp my family) can cope with. They are my main carers, and find it very heavy going and stressful, especially as it` been going on for so long.
When people suggest to me that I just "accept" my illness ("So, OK, you can't leave the house. Well, is there a way for you to get comfortable with that and just accept those limitations?") I grit my teeth, then I smile and say sweetly "that's not an option". My depression is hybernation and if I go there and just sit with it for a while it is brain death, slowly but surely all of the lights in my brain go out one by one. So for me there is no other option but to fight the disease everyday whether I feel "optimistic" or not. I fight because there is no other alternative.I know exactly what you mean. People have suggested that I accept the way that I am, and live my life around it. As you said, this simply is not an option. I have virtually no contact with friends (and haven`t had for over 3 years), I have no social life, I rarely get out of the flat, and frankly this is not acceptable to me. Up until 3 years ago I worked, which was a daily struggle, but I managed it by the skin of my teeth. It`s been said to me `well, you used to work`, or `you used to get out and socialise`. This is certainly true, but it all felt like climbing Mount Everest in bare feet and carrying a 10 ton back-pack. I`d put on my `mask`, act as though I was perfectly O.K., and I pulled it off very well. Inside, however, I was totally crippled with pain and used to get home, fall on my bed and just cry and cry. The pain now is unbearable, and just hideous. But, like you, I keep on going (despite my protestations to the contrary), and will continue to do so. I must have some resolve there somewhere even though I don`t feel it. This specialist reckons on getting me well in about a `year or so` (quote). I only wish I could believe that. But I know that I`ll try, because as you said, there really is no alternative (well, there is one, but I`m certainly NOT going there).
All good things,
Anna.
poster:sweetmarie
thread:55847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010319/msgs/57190.html