Posted by gilbert on June 22, 2001, at 22:32:46
In reply to Re: Addictive meds in general:Gdog, Gilbert JCB, posted by Sulpicia on June 22, 2001, at 17:04:48
Sulpicia,
It is almost the chicken and the egg question.....as I am sure now that my primary illness is probably not alcoholism but that drinking was used to self medicate agoraphobia, panic and some depression. I never felt good sober like many people do in AA. They get sober and start normal lives etc. I got sober lost my medicine.....booze and almost immediatley began to have problems functioning in the outside world. I believe this is why so many relapse and drink again. They never get medicated or help for the underlying illnesses. I busted my butt at AA for 10 years. I would do open talks while panicking to the point of doing damage to my heart from elevated blood pressure from anxiety. I worked the steps over and over and over trying to find comfort all the while blaming myself for not getting well or not having enough faith to turn it over. I worked with new cummers endlessly at one time I was sponsoring 10 people. Everyone thought I was the perfect AA and I was dying inside. Five years ago upon my 10th AA birthday I was so dissapointed in my progress I actually contemplated suicide. I then went into therapy and tried that for 3 years and still go but yet still I was nonfunctional due to panic and agoraphobia. I finally have started trying meds. I am still trying to get the luvox to work but am doubtfull. I have tried everything under the sun to not take benzos. Xanax makes me functional yet I still have a tremendous amount of guilt over using it. My wife loves me on xanax I am a new person. She thinks I am nuts torturing myself with AD's so I can be accepted at AA. I had to see a cardiologist because of a heart murmur. He told my doc get this guy on something to calm his heart down he is doing damage. You would think this would alleviate the guilt. Still I feel guilty like I am betraying AA. I am stuck between feeling like I belong in AA versus being menatlly and physically healthy. I even tried a beta blocker for my heart but my pulse got to slow plus it made me impotent. So I will torture myself a little more with the luvox and then I am sure will just have to take the xanax because it works. This is why I get so defensive about benzos....sometimes they are all that works. The attitude towards some of these meds can really hurt peoples feelings and chances of getting well. I finally against the wishes of my sponsor told some people at a table last night that I was on benzos because nothing else worked. I got some support and I got the usual AA oldtimer advice about how I was going down the path to self destruction. Well I have been on that path for 1.5 years at 2 to 3 peach xanax a day. No progressive usage. No using to get high. No unusual behavior after taking xanax. No withdrawal..I can stop at random without side effects. It is time we enter the 21st century and realize some people can use this stuff responibly without going down the tubes......frankly the thought of trying to just work the steps without the help of some of these wonderfull drugs including the ssri's makes me want to suck vodka for breakfast again.
Thanks,
Gil
poster:gilbert
thread:1356
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010618/msgs/67534.html