Posted by adamie on September 5, 2001, at 9:42:58
In reply to Re:More accurate view of ECT..PhoenixGirl, posted by Phil on September 5, 2001, at 6:55:18
If one is able to live in order to keep trying medications then that is fine. But the mind torture is too severe and too much to bare. I cant even do all the little things i did before. Washing dishes is hard. I just want the time to pass. I am sick of this. If I were better surely I would want to keep trying meds but I am not. I am not well enough to even complete the simplest assignment in class. all i do each day is wait til i get better. i cant do much. i am sick of this. i could live with just not being able to enjoy things, but the mind torture is too much at times. it shouldn't be painful to exist. I thought about it as much as I can and I want ECT 100%. I dont care if it could cause sometimes long lasting memory loss. I have no memory with this damned depression. I have known my fiance for 9 months and due to the depression I cant recall anything. I dont know what we talked about for those 9 months. I am not able to even imagine her most of the time. If anything ECT would greatly restore my mental abilities. my IQ would sky rocket.Yesterday I had to go to the doctor to get a new med. I forgot my health card. Luckily i was excepted anyway. Along the way though I got off the bus at the wrong stop. But before that I got off a bus that was going where I wanted, i thought it was going somewhere else. then after I got lost somewhere and had to call my mom. then after I finally made it. then i dont remember what happened. I later went to the pharmacy to get my prozac but I forgot the prescription at home. And today I forgot to bring enough money to buy allergy medications. I am tired of living like this. EVery minute shouldn't be painful. boredom is fine, but the mind torture is too much. I wish the damned doctors would let me get ECT. Some cases are too severe to keep trying damned meds. 1 month to see if each one works. And then you try another, another, so many choices but so what. All those choices cost time and suffering. I dont want to have to keep waiting just to see if some med might work. 3 made me worse. 1 i dunno what it did. one made me very suicidal. ECT should be a first line treatment for severely depressed people. not the last damn option. i just hope i'll survive all this. too many yucky thoughts of possible suicide.
I am not a religous person. I dont know what comes after when i would die. my fiance is perfect but i cant feel anything. i wish everything was better. i dont want to die but i feel so sick at times. crying often and just feel horrible. maybe i will possibly be able to get ect soon. i hope the doctors will allow it.
poster:adamie
thread:77709
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010902/msgs/77812.html