Posted by MB on September 10, 2001, at 12:15:03
OK, I've heard a couple of people on this board discuss taking Valerian to help ease benzo tapering. I'm not taking benzos. In fact I've been off meds for 8 months. I've been trying to do it med free with therapy (psychoanalysis). I'm also in AA recovery and trying to work through "issues." My sponser is against meds and I feel guilty like I'm a bad person when I discuss the possible need for them. I think he's a moron because he tells me coffee isn't a problem. When I drink it, I see blue flashes of light and think there is an evil inside of me and immanent in all things (the shadows of the room are all wrong and macabre--just wrong like in a nightmare). I feel the evil is defiling all the innocence in the world and I want to vomit at the suffering, and I feel it all inside of me and that's it's my fault and some horrible punishment for the suffering of the whole world is falling upon me. It's less of a delusion than just a feeling of consumate evil inside of me and in everything around me. If I were a Christian man, I'd say that Satan had come to take me for murdering the world. But objectively, I know I've done nothing wrong, but my heart pounds and the room distorts further and I think I'm gonna lose my F***ing mind. This is when I drink coffee but no, he says *THAT'S* not a problem, and he's reluctant to help me quit, saying that it's not really the problem, that I'm not giving my character defects to God. Coffee's FIIIIIIIIINE, but taking psychiatric medication *ISN*T? He even mentioned I might be making this up unconsciously so I could get drugs and not work through my character defects. He's a coffee addict and a redneck philistine. Anyway, so I can't take the anxiety and rage and periods of depression where cutting myself seems the only option (I'm not cutting myself, but it's an obsession, and I know it works and I'm reserving it for last) so I've been taking valerian...a lot of it, actually. It's the extract plus the herb: 110 mg of .8% valerenic acids plus 400 mg of the herb. It seems to take the edge off. I take 20 capsuls a day. I see a cardiologist soon because I've been having tachycardia sometimes...other times a weird slowing of the heart accompanied by seeming pressure in my head and neck, painful explosive pressure. The valerian seems to stabalize the fear, the sense of immanent evil and the heart problems. But last night I had this weird feeling like God was inside of me and inherent in all things and the bliss was unreal, and it was so un-manic because I was so peaceful and calm, and I held a pair of socks and laughed for thirty minutes because it felt like I was finally awake (my true Self) and I could see that I held God in my hands. Now this morning, that feeling is gone and the rage and pounding heart and fear and loathing is back and I want to kill my sponsor now more than ever (and to all the FBI agents out there: I mean that figuratively, I'm not a murderer). Is the valerian making things worse? I feel like I'm falling apart. Most likely in a few days I'll be fine. I hope I become the Buddha again, that was cool.
poster:MB
thread:78477
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010907/msgs/78477.html