Posted by shelliR on October 18, 2001, at 21:11:05
In reply to Re: hanging in there » shelliR, posted by Lorraine on October 11, 2001, at 11:36:11
Lorraine
> My husband was such an "eligible bachelor"--you know, on the right track, heading for success, conventional, good provider, good gene pool for kids. All this "picture perfect" stuff scared the putty out of me b/c I was not very conventional and wasn't looking for an eligible bachelor. Plus, my husband wasn't needy. In my previous relationship (with a great guy who has remained a friend)I was a giver and everything was kind of messy--he had no "career" track (he's a janitor now) and he was kind of messed up in a fairly delightful way. When I got together with my husband, it was a big fork in the road for me--to follow my ambitions into law and be involved with someone who wasn't one of the "walking wounded" but was actually capable of giving back in a fairly powerful way. It meant giving up my image of being "f**** up" and becoming a highly functional competent human being. This notion, of sort of giving up my past and walking into the future, was very scarey to me. A life plays out and in retrospect either road may have been good. But taking the road I did required me to push all of my abilities to the limit and seize the day. So I'm not one of those people who has regrets about the things they haven't done, the opportunities that they let pass them by because they were too frightened to risk failure. I risked everything, but then again, to a certain extent I destroyed myself in the process, by pushing too hard, taking on too much stress and ultimately collapsing into a depression.
>
I didn't realize that you thought that you had pushed yourself into depression. I thought you thought it was more hormonal. Were you still working when the depression hit? Is that what you meant by pushing youself into depression?
> > > > > >Have you taken the Myer Briggs? I am a INTJ.
> > > So am I and so is my husband.
> > > > But I have never been attracted to an extraverted man. I do think it might be easier for me to get along with a INTP because I would think that our Js might clash a lot. Have you felt the tug I am talking about at all with your husband?
>
> I don't think my Js are very similar to my husband's Js. He is compulsive about time and things being in their proper place. His "schedule" of activities is a bit amazing. I'm more prone to be late and like having unscheduled time. The only time this conflicts is when he tries to fill up our "social" calendar or when we are on vacation and he want to "accomplish" the city we are visiting (hit all the museums etc). The way we have dealt with this is by recognizing that we are separate and don't have to do the same things even on vacations.So what is the "J" part of you? I always thought of Js as showing good taste and judgment, but also tending to be more critical. Where does your J come out? Does it have anything to do with pushing yourself. I know you are very picky about your house (colors, etc).
>
> > >[re your therapist] > It's very complicated. She has been able to teach me to get myself back on track and that is very satisfying to me; going around in circles of course is very frustrating.
> It almost sounds a little cognitive therapy in approach, although I'm sure she delves into your past as well or maybe she's just organized in her approach.Well, it gets very complicated because I don't remember much at all about the past, especially my family. Zero. No meals together, etc. Some bad memories, but not horrific. We've done some work with the kids, first with my last therapist and then some with this one. And the little ones are in a good place. I'm not so sure about the 8 to 10 year olds. They don't want to talk.
>
> > > > Actually, I think it is very special that you work so hard to have a good marriage, and the working seems to very much pay off.
> It's important to me and, you know, once a gulf begins between two people, it is easy for it to widen. Especially when you have kids that demand a lot of your time.It seems like kids both widen the gulf, but also bring parents together, because there is always that to share.
>>
> Will the Atarax be enough to knock you out? Is your sleep difficulty just staying asleep? I know you are doing the valium--have you thought about Neurontin? I only need to add valium to my nighttime cocktail when I was on Parnate, which was much more activating than Nardil.Well, it's about what Elizabeth talked about. It's not that it's so stimulating; it just disturbs sleep patterns, like my waking up after three hours. Aterex is pretty good; with neurotin I retained fluid in the same way as lamictal.
>> > > >I may print up wallet size samples that I could send out, but it's been nice lately--I e-mail everything to people now (price list, directions)--no more snail mail.
>
> This idea is actually a great way of doing it. "Let me send you out some samples of my recent work since I've switched to digital"I wish there was something else I could say besides digital. Writing it up was fairly easy, and I did use digital. ("are printed digitally using archival ink on heavy weight archival mat surface paper and Piezography™BW software.") Maybe I should leave the digatial out and just talk about archival paper and ink and Piezography BW software when people call?
> > > I rejoined my writing class. I think I shocked them a bit. The theme of my first poem was suicide. The second about being seduced by depressionl. Guy who runs it makes a big point about presentation. I wanted to sort of sink into the chair, but he made me move and talk about my kids and then read--which pretty much had me reduced to tears. Reading is such a vulnerable act, you know.How did you start with the writing class ? How many people are in it?
>
> It's a remarkably personal class and the people are very interesting. Some actors, a comedian, ---mainly though just good writers. A lot of the work brings me to tears, it is very deep. The guy who runs it is from the Second City comedy team. He really requires that you approach this stuff from a deep voice and if you are lucky enough to have written from that place, then he will require that you read it from that place. Sometimes when people read their work the start to cry and he says "it's ok to cry, just breath" and then at most maybe someone will extend a hand to touch the person's arm. I had forgotten how deep this class was. It's what I love about the NDMDA meetings I go to as well. It is life at a deeper level. Anyway, it's a big move for me to get myself back into writing. It requires the discipline of daily writing--let's see if I can do that. Plus, he has me writing from different voices--the child, the mother, the whore, the madonna, the hag, the crone. It's amazing how hard it was to write from the child.
Were those the voices he heard in your writing? Was the child so hard because of your burning? Were you a regular, normal kid before that?Shelli
p.s., my pdoc added concerta to my mixture. I got very spacy today, so he is cutting down both the nardil and wellbutrin. It is unusual for me to hear a pdoc say it sounds like toxcity and want to bring my meds down instead of insisting that I'll get used to them. I almost went into the hosptial to add the concerta; instead I am seeing him almost every day, outpatient.
poster:shelliR
thread:67742
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011015/msgs/81629.html