Posted by Else on November 15, 2001, at 22:21:20
In reply to Re: Delphine, posted by paxvox on November 12, 2001, at 18:54:19
Pax Hello,
I hope I somehow managed to make it clear me (Else) and Delphine are the same person. Doesn't matter, I had trouble registering under a new e-mail. Anyway.
> It was me who said you would be dead if you REALLY wanted to be. I'm sorry if that sounded judgmental, that was not the point I was trying to make.
No, I understand what you were saying and I am not offended. I know I am not that far gone. It's just that thinking I might be relieved by death when I am at my worse feels comforting. I would not do it. Not at this point. So , yes, you were right. But just claiming that I want to die makes me feel better somehow. It's just relief. Like sleep or drugs. People who really want to die, I believe, have come to a point where they truly hate themselves. I don't, I have in the past but self-hatred seems alien to me now, as does utter despair.
> About your meds: How do you get Ritalin or Amphetamines prescribed? Maybe it's where I live or something, but I don't think my Pdoc would ever give me that, even though he says I "show signs" of ADD (along with my OCD, but REALLY it's the GAD that affects me the most!).
I have been seeing my doctor for three years. It took that long before he gave Ritalin a chance and besides, this started before the Ritalin. I though my main problem was GAD too before but the clonazepam has it under control. This is depression. No doubt about it. The Ritalin is not making me high at all. I am a wreck. My memory is destroyed. I don't remember what happenned 24 hours ago in spite of the stimulants. I really think I need ADs at this point.
Anyway, maybe Ritalin is charging you up too much that even mega-benzos will not unwind you? I know your feeling of dreading the mornings, then starting to feel better in the late afternoon. You know why that is for me? I think it is my obsession with getting to sleep, and trying to get more than 3 hours without getting into my sleep-wake-sleep pattern that goes on for 90 minute cycles.
No. I sleep a lot in spite of the Ritalin. I don't feel wound-up, I feel like a zombie. I am not obsessed with sleep. I think I sleep too much but i would rather sleep that feel that way. I am not familliar with your sleep difficulties. Typically, I have trouble falling asleep but once I am asleep nothing can wake me up and I am off for 12-14 hours
> For years, I have always postulated that I would function best with some speed in the AM and some downers in the PM. Just like the "YES" song 'Close to the edge'...."I get up...I get down..I get up..I get down" And yes, I do know the other reference you mean about crashing, because that was me 20 years ago. Strange thing is, THAT was how I was "self-medicating".Trust me. I have tried so many other drugs and nothing has worked. You may think my doctor is being imprudent but this is the end of the line.
> OK, perhaps if you tried something else for ADD, like Wellbutrin. Have you ever had WB?Yes. Yes, it work at first and then it let me down; so did Effexor.
It works *similarly* on the brain as amphetamines, but w/o the addictive or abuse potential.
I can't imagine abusing Ritalin. I haven't so far and don't thing I will. I am prone to abuse sedatives but not stimulants. I am not concerned with this at all. Wellbutrin made me almost psychotic, Ritalin hasn't.
It does "reve you up" and I do have trouble getting wound back down, but that is very dose-realted, and to some degree can be regualted by when you take WB. I get a mild bezo, Tranzene, which I take in the PM before bed, but I developed a tolerance, and my Pdoc will not increase dose. He prefers "mood stabilizers" like Depakote, Topamax, Neurontin and the like, all which make me feel like crap. I ask, repeatedly, what is worse, a "reliance" on benzos, or a life of suffering? That is the nexxus where your life and mine DO come together, where I DO understand how you feel. But somehow, I keep hoping,and hanging on. Maybe...just may be that answer is around the next corner.
I also have taken Depakote and Neurontin, with no succes at all. I have manage to control my benzo comsumption to some extent although I think I will always be drawned to these meds somehow: they soothe me.Tomorrow I am seeing my doc. I will ask for Prozac because I don't see what else will help at this point. I am very angry at the universe because this was not supposed to happen. I know how hysterical I will look; always looking for the doctor's attention. But this is real.
anyway, thanks pax. Good luck to you.
> PAX
poster:Else
thread:83708
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011113/msgs/84374.html