Posted by Frankie on March 13, 2002, at 21:23:09
In reply to long post, sorry, lots of problems today, posted by trouble on March 12, 2002, at 4:15:13
> Hi,
> Saturday I posted on PSB that I've been doing so well that I've been skipping therapy, but it turns out that the opposite is true, RATS!
> I've been talking about my disorientation but I've been ignoring it too. Then today I lost 500 dollars in cash, 2 weeks wages, enough to keep my utilities from being turned off. Luckily I lost my wallet in an affluent neighborhood, where people can afford to do the right thing, so I got it back, cash intact.
> But during the time of not-knowing I realized if it did't turn up I wouldn't have the resources to cope and started making plans to kill myself. Luck was w/me there too, and I automatically went to the phone and called my psychologist.
> This is as close as I've ever felt to being a candidate for hospitalization, but I've fought that all my life. Killing myself over 500 dollars is very skewed thinking though, if worse comes to worse I can file bankruptcy, which is another thing I've spent my life fighting, but people do that everyday and still manage to live through it.
> I don't know if the disorientation is psychological or Wellbutrin/Gabitril/Provigil related. Saturday I spent 40 minutes driving up and down a street trying to remember which house I was supposed to clean, and finally I pulled the car over and said this fear is not helping, be still and breathe, and that's what I did til I felt ready to try again and this time I found the house in less than 3 minutes. That sounds psychological, right? So I can just hear my pdoc, what do you expect me to do for you? I'm seeing him tomorrow, and I think he should give me 2.5 mg Xanax, prn until the BuSpar kicks in (which I predict he'll put me back on, just guessing). What do you think?
>
> Also my psychologist pointed out that this is a pattern, that whenever I skip therapy a few times I'm usually in a crises mode, and he's right, I feel too f*cked up to deal w/therapy, I'm trying to get my life on track! So I hypothesize, like I've been thinking that this disorientation is happening b/c I'm supposed to understand what it feels to have Alzheimer's, that this is not so much suffering as it is a purification for a higher purpose. And once I really understand what it means to have Alzheimer's my friend God will step in and give me back my mind. My psychologist said, um, I really wish you would have called me sooner. 'Cause I thought I was getting dementia by osmosis, working w/this patient the last couple months, but just saying those words out loud made me wonder how can I be so sure of this, it probably started in the bank last month when I sat there for 3 hours going over their mistakes and ended up paying them 700 dollars, though I thought the bank was going to give me 480$, and the whole world became so blurry and unintelligible I just sat there thinking if I had a husband you'd never get away w/ this. That "if I had a husband line" comes up during hard times and could be an indication that I'm losing touch w/ my own inner resources. I ought to write that down. Maybe someday I'll be a therapist too, I sure can fling the bullshit.
> Anyway my psychologist said from now on not to wait, but the minute I start feeling "iffy" to call him. Instead of withdrawing from the world and hypothesizing, I should engage w/my helpers and get some perspective. That's my new slogan, "Don't Hypothesyze; Strategize!"
>
> Whew. Any tips for dealing w/my pdoc tomorrow would be most appreciated, you know we have a stormy relationship.
>
> thanks for reading,
> trouble
Trouble,Sounds like the stress of life is bringing you to the breaking point. I will try to help. I believe you are on the right track, pursuing the anxiety issues in your life. I see that you are on Wellbutrin, Provigal, and a stabilizer. I would reccommend you try to acquire some Klonopin from the doctor. Xanax is not as effective for the amount of time that Klonopin is. Or, try a stronger stabalizer, or a higher dose of the one you are on. You need to crack the stress and anxiety in your life immediately, because depression will not improve until you do. Suicidal tendencies can come from high anxiety levels that cause severe depression. I tend to think they have you overtreated for depression, and undertreated for anxiety. I hope this helps you out.
Frankie.
poster:Frankie
thread:97566
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020313/msgs/97850.html