Posted by Libby Bonine on March 14, 2002, at 18:27:25
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Some days I function. Some days I don't.
At least once a week I question whether I can manage to keep my job.Prozac successfully treated my first major depressive episode and after that, my depression went into remission for several years, so I was able to establish myself in my profession.
My job performance got progressively worse with each episode, but I'd always been a strong performer... until episode number four. That one almost cost my job. The decline was so rapid I didn't recognize it. In less than a month, I went from getting a lifetime achievement award to being on probation for substandard performance! I'd gone from performing well in a very demanding job to being unable to drag myself out of bed long enough to even call in sick. I went to see my psychiatrist because a friend, who had seen me both well & sick insisted...strongly.
My psych asked me why I was there & I told him it was because my friend thought I was depressed.
He asked me the usual "depression questions" and when he asked how I felt about my future, I said, "Like I don't have one."Then he asked if I thought I was depressed & I said I didn't... Why? Did HE think I was?
"Oh, yeah," was his answer...Effexor and a four-month sabbatical got me functioning again, but it was months before I had ANY confidence at work. No amount of reassurance could make me feel good about my performance. My sense of worth on the job hit rock bottom and stayed there for a year or so. Eventually, I realized that although it was true that I wasn't functioning at the same level I had been, nobody else seemed to really care. Likek anyone, I'd rather my peers saw me as outstanding, but I've come to realize that "acceptable" is perfectly... acceptable.
I've been back at work for two and a half years now. I've probably talked about quitting a few hundred times. I wish I could say it's because of my great determination, but the truth is it has very little to do with me.
I can only function because I have been allowed to. I am LUCKY enough to work for both a company and a boss that have been willing to make some pretty hefty accomodations for me. I have given me EXTREMELY flexible hours, ample vacation time & sick days, and on a very limited basis, I can even work from home.
All of these accomodations are at the discretion of an almost eerily supportive boss. She is the rarest of rare and has done EVERYTHING the company allows her to do to help me keep working.
All she'd have to do is refuse to approve my working unusual hours and I'd be sunk.In return for all this flexibility, I've given up my most treasured career aspirations. I've had to accept the fact that I'm unreliable by most people's standards - and that is a liability. Because of my limitations, I've given up on working my way furterh up the corporate ladder. I've relinquished all hope of returning to the status of a managerial position. But it's not all negative. I've chosen to allow myself to be mediocre at work if that's what it takes to stay functional. Some may see that as a cop out, but I see it as practical at this point.
Depression really can be disabling.Hope this helps...
L.
poster:Libby Bonine
thread:97858
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020313/msgs/98024.html