Posted by Angel Girl on March 17, 2002, at 9:56:39
In reply to Re: How do you deal with the loss of friends??? , posted by Shanti on March 17, 2002, at 6:56:47
> hi scott and angel girl
>
> just read your posts i would like to jump in! i too am gemini scott - do you think that sometimes has to do with our depression? because sometimes i feel like a different person, it is like there is a good me and a bad me but (and this is for you angel girl) i learned to intergrate them (still working on trust me!) because we shouldn't separate the two personalities because if we do then we are not liking the one side of us and of course it is the "bad" side. i also learned in my many years of getting better that to know happiness you must know hurt good/must know bad etc. i thought about that long and hard and figured that the rest of my life should be "good" because the first 28 years were "bad"
>
> angel girl, if your friends left maybe they are scard or they see your posts but don't know what to say and people think sometimes saying nothing is the best thing????
>
> one last thing as for not doing anything right now maybe you need a rest - yes it may be years it took me at least 10years to "wake up from this state" so to speak but you know what you will come out of it and there are days when i just need to veg out and instead of relating it to depression (one of my safe places is to sleep for many many hours at a time and try doing this as a single mother with a young child - lets just say he watched a lot of tv and 10 years later you can tell because he knows every commerical, etc but that is ok because mom is better now) now when im tired i will sleep and instead of thinking its my depression i tell myself i need a rest and then i go lay down.
>
> happy st. patty's day hope to hear from you soon
> peace
>
> shanti
Hi shantiI feel there are two of me too. But I don't want ti integrate them at all. I HATE the new me. I don't want it to be any part of me when I get better. I want the new me to go away and have the old me back but only better. Does that make sense??? I want to learn how to handle things better, how not to be so sensitive and to take things so personally. Right now I analyze everything to death, everything that people say and their actions. But my interpretation rarely matches the reality that is presented to me. My thought processes are totally different. That is what I definitely need a lot of work on. I'm very anxious for my therapy to start this Friday. I know it's going to be difficult for me but yet I'm very anxious to evolve into a well person who can look at life in a positive way and to feel the love that people say they are giving me. I don't feel that now. I don't know how to feel it. :(
I agree with you with your thoughts about rest. That's how I look at it now too. But I didn't feel that way when I was totally engrossed in it as I interpret Scott to be saying. I know how he feels, it's only a short time since I was there and to be honest it was a safer place for me. I don't handle relationships very well at all and when I stayed at home all the time and watched TV or spent all my time on the computer, I didn't have to deal with people, although I do have internet friends, albeit that is dwindling now too. But now I am forced by my employer to work as many hours as I can so I'm back out in the world. I don't like it but I know it is better for me and I have no choice, there is no option for me. But when my workday is over, I want to stay at home like Scott is. I want to shut the world off and be myself. I'm hoping therapy will help me deal with the world. Scott didn't mention anything about therapy or medication so I don't know what he is doing. I'd like to hear more about him.
Shanti, I think you're right about my friends. Due to my depression, I used to post very erratically on the other message board but I've been working on that since it has only brought me more pain with the replies I would receive. I haven't done that in 1 1/2 months. :) But, I've also been close enough with a handful of people off of the message board and have had an email/AIM friendship and sometimes the phone. But 2 of my closest friends feel that they can not be my friends now due to my depression and sadness. I don't understand how they think that by abandoning me that is making me feel any better. It brings me great pain, phenomenol hurt and anger. Why can't they see that???? I really don't understand.
My biggest fear right now is that I will alienate everybody while I'm depressed so that when I finally get better I will find myself all alone. I can see that happening. I'm very close to losing everybody now. I am completely heartbroken beyond what I can put into words. Again, I'm in tears. I am sooooo very, very sad. :(
Angel Girl
poster:Angel Girl
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020313/msgs/98427.html