Posted by Tak on July 3, 2002, at 7:16:59
It took me a while to write this and its early morning so bare with me and please read till the end. The questions I ask you may have read and replied to before, but please offer some advice or ideas, all and any replys welcome. Thank You.
Ive had anxiety and depression problems for several years(social anxiety/gad for about 9 yrs. and depression on to severe depression for about 6-8 yrs, hard to judge exactly) and I I am 22. My first memory of actually being terrified infront of people was when I had to read a paper in front of the class in junior high. I know many people get nervous about that and dont like public speaking, but as any anxiety plagued person knows the feelings they have are expanded and unrealistic. It really shocked me when this happened because I was not nervous or scared until I read about one paragraph. I looked up and saw everyone looking/stareing at me(thats what people normally do when youre talking to them). So, thoughts raced through my head I could not speak, tears started to run, and I finally was able to say "I can't do this." and sat down. Good paper but grade effected by performance. The teacher also showed no interest as to what had just happened. I had friends in junior high but we soon went our seperate ways as I was unable to find an identity for myself and I lost interest in them and and the new things they were doing as we were growing up, did not excite me and I was afraid. Also, throughout my school years I was allways standing up for the kid that got picked on. Ive felt the need to help people, especially when their mind is being put through unecessary stress. Few examples: One boy, who I later became very close friends with, was always getting laughed at and talked about. One day in gym class 3 kids were verbally assualting him and violence was about to ensue. I jumped up on one of the benches and yelled at them and told them that if they touch him they have go through me too. They stopped, partly becuase I had been friends with one of them in the past, and everyone saw me do this. Also in junior high I was friends with someone who had problems at home and I guess you can say he was a just little bit different than everyone else: real talkitive, very energetic, smart, and had an extra something that made him say whatever was on his mind. One day he and I were outside after school waiting for our parents to pick us up, just like everyone else. Again it was 3 boys who tried to start a fight with him. And again I told them you fight him you fight me. They pushed him backwards, not extremely hard, and I rushed up to them and one of them shoved me to the ground. I jumped and I dont remember what I said but they backed off.
Throughout school I always had one friend at a time, the most was 3 at one time for a couple of years. I was about five and met probably the best friend Ive ever had. We were like twins who used eachothers strengths to help one another. We were two comedians every where we went and could argue to where the whole neighborhood could hear us and a few hours or just an hour later we would call eachother and it was as if nothing had happened. After 4 yrs(prek-3rd grade)he moved and like any other kid I felt empty and very sad. The next year I met someone, and again we were a couple of jokers. He then moved to Kansas and would write to me but I never wrote back.
Moving on to highschool.(1994) This was where my anxiety started to fire its biggest guns at me. I was extremely scared about walking down the halls, walking into each classroom, and it barely got any easier after my first year was over. My grades dropped, very little interaction with other students, and this was when I began to think about how do I get out of situations and just run. You can come up with some crazy ideas of how to 'escape' when all youre thinking about is that everyone is constantly looking at you, judging you, thinking, talking, and laughing at you. Grades 11th and 12th I didnt eat in the cafeteria or eat lunch at all. I just went to the library and read magazines hoping no one would sit next to me. My 2 friends at the time were outcasts. One was the boy who I defended in gym class in junior high and the other I met in 4th grade. The one I met in 4th liked to talk down on me. Over the years this took a heavy toll on my already weak self confidence. I had to tell him if doesnt stop treating me like this hes going to get hurt very badly. Wasnt those exact words but it has to do with the idea of a double homicide. I told this to him a little too late though to reverse any damage but now I know what kind of person he really is. We are still friends though but he's graduating from Texas A&M w/ an architecture degree this fall and Ive got almost 3 years left. He also started smoking marijuana last year and now hangs out with the guy he met at college all the time. He will go there for a few days or a week and smoke then come home. In a few weeks he might do it again.
I smoked marijauna weekly for 3 months starting in sep.(2000),quit for a few months and then everyday allday for about 8 1/2 months of (2001) until I got busted with 1 year probation. I was on medication then(still am) and I actually did better in during (fall 2000) semester when I would smoke once or twice a week.
I ended up in the hospital after the first 6 months of allday smoking. I have asthma and I was only using 13% of my lungs and my resting heart beat was 130. I quit for a few weeks and slowly began to smoke everyday again but not as much. When I first started smoking(sep. 2000) I was on effexor, neurotin, lithium, and zyprexa.(neurotin was later replaced by xanex) I had been given those meds. after paxil, zoloft, and one other drug didnt work the year before and because I went into a pshyc. ward for 7 days(I'll never forget that) and thats what my new doctor gave me in(late may 2000) before I smoked. Of course the first couple of days I was feeling the side effects but I could fight them and I was able to talk with the other patients and very truthfully to the doctors. This new doctor was really nice. I was put on all of those meds at once to immediately try and stabilize me. They worked and we would increase the dosages over time. I felt better but I still felt like there was more ground to be won. This is when I started smoking, and like I said it helped me get through the (2000) fall semester at school achieving 2 B's and a C. But, during the 2000 chistmas break I had several ideas of what I wanted to do(never did them) and my mom's step mother died. She might have been the 3rd mom for my mother but she was the only grandmother I knew of on her side of the family. I had not seen her in 10 years, at that time it had been 10 years since my moms dad died(he was truly my best friend). I started to get more anxious and depressed again, and I wasnt smoking during this break. So, I tried to take a few classes in Jan. spring 2001, but like the last few months I couldnt maintain the right schedule of taking my meds on time and I returned home to live with my parents(late jan. 2001). One month later I would share a smoke with one of my friends dad everyday. This friend was in alaska in college. I met some people through his daughter and one thing led to another. Better smoke but more problems. I got robbed, the guy who I was runnin with was stealing from me and another 'friend' was stealing from me. I really only had 2 people I could trust. And I am still friends with one of them. The other seems depressed and prefers to be alone.
I smoked to relax and to forget. As well as to be able to communicate with the people I was around. I tried other drugs but only a few times. I had heard of someone who was a very depressed young person and used every drug out there for several years and now his mom has to take care of him.
Now its (4th quarter of 2001) and like I said earlier, I get busted. Probation for 1 year and quitting cold turkey. I missed the marijuana at first but I was able to part from it. When (2002)rolls around I switch doctors becuase of my dad thinking I would be taken off all the meds. and be better. The last 2 visits with my doc. from the hospital we were starting to suggest another option and now I know that option was an MAOI. This new doctor took me off everything except xanex and I started taking the MAOI nardil. The transitions from 15 mg to 30 to 45 mg the side effects were tolerable and didnt last long. But when I hit 60mg I had problems. Very sensitive to light, had to get up from sitting or lying down extremely slow, dizzy, faint feeling, headaches, insomnia (on my own I started taking 4mg of xanex to help me sleep), would take me sometimes 15 or more minutes to get out of bed becuase I could not just stand up after sleeping(I would sit up in bed then turn and put my feet on the floor, stretch my leg muscles and body, lean against the wall, and duck as I walked to the shower). This lasted for about 2 1/2 months. I began to drink much more water, take them exactly on time every time and the symptons slowly but rather quickly dwindled. I still have side effects but I usually can get right out of bed. But sometimes if I get out the car or up form a sitting position too fast I can hardly hear and feel dizzy.
My current psychologist/therapist and I have begun to trace why I started having anxiety/depression.
A)Chemical inbalnce since I responded so well to Nardil. And I can talk more and express more to him. Might be Nardil and Ive just gotten closer to him, he understands me. I still have trouble in social settings. School has gotten better. I can actually ask the teacher a question now. I can interact with some of the other students.
B) I had asthma really bad (top worst 5% in a city of around 1.6 million and its greater area of more millions in the mid 80's) and it was always a guessing game of whether or not I could do this or that and what will happen if I do. Im 6 years old worrying about dying and Im always using breathing treatments and my mom was given the shots my doctor or a hospital would use to relieve me. I was given so many cortosteriod shots and medicines containing steriods that my doctor and other docs thought I would be lucky to be 5'4", I am 5'10". At a young age my fight or flight syndrome is leaning towards flight since I couldnt do things the other kids could.(little note: I played soccer for 2 years. I could run forever, lead in assists among many teams. The 3rd season comes and I cant play becuase halfway through 2nd season I start losing stamina, and other symptoms occur. 4 teams from my league wanted me to play for them and I had to tell them no. I felt like I aged 15 or 20 years and passed up on a professional sports contract).
C) My father. You never know how hes going to react to a question, problem, or opinion. Its always different. Usually you feel like shit when you're done talking becuase he's allways right and he will play devils advocate. He can argue over little things till you can't stand his voice anymore. My mom told me, "dont ever make a woman not like you." Ive learned lessons on how to be a good father and how not to react to family isues. Im not a father, I might not be for several years, but when it happens I will always remember the past to make the future better. He use to be a welder and wouldnt be home for up to 4 months at a time. At first you miss him but then you're worried about what mood hes going to be in when he gets home.
D) Seperation from family members on my mothers side.
E) My Mother. She has had some history with anxiety, and still today shows fears and the feelings she tells me that she is having indicate she still has some anxiety problems.
F) A few others but Im getting tired.
Now questions I have: What is anybody elses experience with marijuana use and antianxiety or antidepressants? What about the use of marijuana and taking MAOI's? Once Im off probation I know I will make the right choice I just would like to know about any interactions between a MAOI and marijuana. Has anyone drank beer, wine, or champaigne while on a MAOI?(Ive been told and read not to consume alcohol because of the malted barley and maybe some other ingridients. But Ive also read that some kinds are ok becuase some of the studies are old and are extremely restrictive. My first year on meds. I was taking paxil and something else and I drank 9 beers and it felt like 2 twleve packs, didnt hurt me just felt real drunk). What is anyones experiences with MAOI's? And any info on why you think that you might be ill. (Chemical balance, past, drugs, etc.).
Well, its 5:22am, no I typed more and revised some of this so its 5:47am, wait its now 6:35am and I got be downtown at 10am so goodnight and goodmorning.
ps. Germany should have won the World Cup. Their the host country in 2006 and Ive got a great aunt whose German and she has family there. So guess whos going to beg for a place to stay, help with air fare and game tickets:) She's the best. She and her husband(my moms uncle) are in thier mid-late 60's and they go to OktoberFest(She can drink becuase shes German and my mom's side can hold their own as well, not that Im bragging, its just that he is in his late 60's and still goes to beer festivals in Germany) and last year mom said he was draggin his feet. I myself have been known to consume mass quantities of alcohol. Not any more though.
poster:Tak
thread:111275
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020628/msgs/111275.html