Posted by Blah on October 6, 2002, at 20:36:07
In reply to Nardil, posted by cosis on August 21, 2002, at 17:46:28
I've suffered from Depression and Anxiety my entire life. My Parents were very emotionaly abusive in inconsistent ways, and I had no friends at all in school, in fact I was tortured on a daily basis. I started deep analasis 3 times a week at 5 years old. It helped some, but I have been in some form of treatment ever since. I am now 28. I have tryed over 10 antidepressants including one triciclicate, prozac, zoloft, paxil, serzone, effexor, welbutrin, trazidone, rameron, and some more I can't remember. These antidepressants not only didn't work, but each actually hurt with cripling side effects. I have also tryed 2 stimulants.
I have always had terrible problems with depression, anxiety, concentration, negative thoughts, social skills, insomnia, motivation, and other problems my whole life, and have been fighting them my whole life, but its just gotten worse and worse over the years. I now live on SSI, I haven't had a romantic relationship in over a decade, and I have no energy or concentration to do any of the things I want to do. For a year or so now being around people has been the only thing that made me feel better, but now even that feels empty or hopeless most of the time.
I'm on .5 of Klonopin twice a day, and I started Nardil a little less than 3 weeks ago. I'm at 45mg now, but will probably go up to 60 tomarrow. When I can get up a good mood the Klonopin helps a bit but not much. The Nardil has done nothing so far (no side effects either though, which is good considering my past history). Within the last few weeks I've lost what little hope I had left, because of events in my life. I feel no woman can ever want me, that no one could ever care about the things i've always wanted to do, that I am too far behind in life, a total loss of energy (not that I had much to begin with), fantasising just fills me with feelings of guilt or pointlessness, and just total hopelessness. But in the end these are only the enevetable result of my lifelong mental illness. I know I have another 2-6 weeks before I may show results and I will hold out, but everyday is just something to be struggled through as I wait for this "miraculous change" that is supposed to occur. Also, when talking bout antidepressants people keep saying things like: "I have my life back," "I'm me again," "I feel Normal again." I've never had my life or happieness or funtionality, EVER. It's always been nothing but lonelyness and pain, it's just gotten worse over time. Can this or any drug really help me achive the confidecnce, possibilities for joy, and social conection that I've never really known. I've always had both hypervidulance and mood sencetivity as long as I can remember. I'm not sure what I'm asking, really I just need something to keep me going while I wait for Nardil to work. The MAOIs are really my last hope. I don't know how much longer I can go on. I have a therapist I like, but after my history she can only do so much. I'm checking out a day program at a hospital, but I've had so much therapy already, and the idea of entering such a comprehencive program seems like more time spent after bad.
PS
If you reply: Please no talk of CBT or DBT I tryed it and found it counter productive.I am not willing to have ECT which I belive to cause brain damage, and which is temporary anyway.
Please no self rightious talk of self-esteem or loving myself. This only fills me with more shame, and really doesn't say anything since no one has perfect self-esteem.
Sorry bout my bad spelling I didn't spell check.
-Thanks
poster:Blah
thread:117296
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021006/msgs/122579.html