Posted by not exactly on February 4, 2003, at 9:49:55
In reply to Listening to Cocaine, posted by fachad on February 4, 2003, at 8:10:11
Wow. That's quite a story.
I, too, hated cocaine. Tried it a few times back in my street-drug experimentation "phase" back in the late 60's / early 70's. Couldn't understand why such a stupid drug was so popular. I didn't even like the acute "up" part of the experience. It made me feel uncomfortably "out of control". I'd act without thinking, say the wrong words, pace around, tap my fingers, and generally do things without any reason/intent. It felt "wrong" even while it was happening, not just in retrospect. Unfortunately, I never made the connection you did. My lifelong depression continued untreated for another 25 years.
My epiphany came from a different DA-enhancing drug: pramipexole. I volunteered to participate in a double-blind antidepressant evaluation trial at a local "mental" hospital, not because I thought I was depressed, but because I was curious and thought that the experience might be "fun". Of course in those days, my concept of "fun" was different from most people's - an "interesting diversion", but not something to be truly enjoyed (whatever that might mean). I figured I could "fake" enough symptoms to qualify for inclusion. But when interviewed for the study, I found that I could answer the questions honestly and still give the "impression" of being depressed (I had always been good at "quizmanship", and certainly understood what depression was - I just never thought it applied to me, since I was obviously functional and not wallowing in despair).
After the questionnaire was completed, the pdoc said "Well, you are an ideal candidate for this study, since you have suffered from Chronic Major Depression for your entire life, and have never been treated for it." Talk about a paradigm shift - this was a doozy! Maybe reality didn't suck after all. Maybe it was "all in my head"! Rather than being devastated by this information, I was actually pleasantly surprised and hopeful. Unlike "sucky reality", I believed that depression could be "cured" (at least symptomatically).
Weeks later, when the pramipexole kicked in (fortunately I didn't get the placebo), I suddenly felt like "the fog had lifted". Is this how others experience life? I started to be able to experience real happiness (not constantly - I was never manic on the stuff - just from time to time in a way that felt "appropriate" and "normal"). Coping with life's everyday hassles became so easy that I felt like I was "cheating", since I could still remember how it had always been a struggle just to exist.
When the study ended and the drug was discontinued, my depression rapidly returned. But now that I knew a better life was possible, the state became intolerable for the first time. I've often described the experience with the following metaphor:
Imagine you had been born in a cage and had lived your entire life there. You couldn't see out of the cage, and no one ever told you there was a big wonderful world outside. You didn't even realize you were in a cage because that's the only thing you'd ever experienced. One day, someone came along, opened the door, and said "OK, you can come out now." Once outside, you suddenly realized what you'd been missing, and how awful the cage had really been. Weeks later, when the memory of the cage had started to seem like just a bad dream, you are told "Sorry, it's time to go back in your cage." No! Anything but that!
At that time, pramipexole was still an unapproved experimental drug, so it couldn't be prescribed. I spent the next few years "clawing at the door of my cage", trying one unsuccessful (or worse) AD after another.
I've managed to "escape the cage" a few times since, but it never lasted very long, and the "cage" has always been nearby and threatening. But I haven't given up hope. The quest continues...
- Bob
poster:not exactly
thread:138954
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030204/msgs/139308.html