Posted by Maeryn on March 7, 2003, at 18:06:49
I know that this is long but please if you have a moment to spare. I write things when I need a break from reality, and this is what I wrote to my cousiller and my husband who wanted to know exactly what it was I was going through. And this below is exactly what I and I am sure hundereds of others go through everyday.
These thoughts that fill my mind, my soul, these thoughts that rush through me so fast I can hardly see, These thoughts are my gift they are my curse.
There are some things that are better left unseen or unsaid, there are some things that are better left in the darkness of ones life, then there are things, thoughts that are so hard to hold with in after they are discovered that one has to share.
There are so many different people in this world and there are so many different lives, there are people who see what they want to see and there are others who are forced to see more than one should ever have to. To wake up every morning feeling like you can't live through one more day to feel like breathing is an accomplishment all in itself, to have your mind spinning in thought so quickly staring at the wall is the most accomplished task of the day, to have a ball of rage growing within your soul to the point you feel your seams slowly splitting and for what reason you are really not sure, Your body aches with grief but from what loss you do not know, You can feel your heart break and at the time could not be more loved. Your mind spins with confusion and you feel to exhausted to exist, so merely going through the motions is but all a feat of it's own. Your chest pains with sorrow, you feel so deep you can no longer move, a sadness you can not explains sweeps through you like an eerie calm. You feel so much pain and hurt and confusion and there is no direction to turn, a paranoia like no other sweeps with in your soul, everyone is talking and you will never be good enough. Is it to much to ask to do one thing and not screw it up? The negative out ways the good no matter how you try and god knows there are days when life doesn't even seem alive, Your life pauses in the moment and dwells on what should have been , You have to fix everything for others but leave your worries all unseen, not realizing who you are hurting or what your children might one day feel, You loose your cool a time or two will they really remember the bad? You love with all your heart but can hate with all your soul, the wires are so entwined I don't think anybody really knows. I am getting better and the hurt is going away, but how long will it be gone and is it gone to stay. I live my life with a companion, a companion that has made me a better person. A companion that has made me see there is a good corner after every bad, My companion has taught me that there is dawn after dusk and an outstretched hand at every fall. My companion has taught me that life is to precious to take for granted and that you should hang on to every moment like it was your last, and don't live your life to fast, because your future soon becomes your past. My companion has also drug me through the lowest most painful experiences I have ever had, and hurt all I love including me, my companion that I love with all my heart and hate with all my soul is my depression, it is my gift, it is my curse.
poster:Maeryn
thread:206927
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030306/msgs/206927.html